DH came and talked to me....

So DH came to me the other day and said that he wanted to discuss the bedtime and cooking issue and I feel a little bit better however, I am still not going to do the stuff I used to do until I see some changes. He said that skids will both be in their rooms at 10 pm. Remotes will be taken away from the living room and TV off. This is for school nights only. YSS will not be sleeping on the couch either if he does then there will be consequences for that. No cooking after 9 pm anytime. YSS will have to be supervised if he wants to cook something and he needs to ask for help. We will see what happens....

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Does your DH believe these

Does your DH believe these changes are necessary or is he only doing them to appease you? That will tell the tale on the follow through...keep the disengagement going. It is for you, not for them. Doing the "stuff you used to do" helped create the situation, keep that in mind.

At least DH is talking the

At least DH is talking the talk... lets see if he walks the walk....

Yeah...we will see what

Yeah...we will see what happens but I TBH I think he is really doing it to appease me not because he thinks its the right thing to thing for this kids.

Proof again that

Proof again that disengagement works
Now that he had to deal with them alone and clean up he suddenly wants rule
Keep the disengagement up and let him appease you for the rest of your life girl

Just doing things to appease

Just doing things to appease vs understanding the very real need/benefit to kids who have a structured schedule and supervision isn't going to result in any long term fix IMHO.

He will do this until it becomes tedious then he will just go back to the laziness of letting everything slide.

It is also setting up this dynamic in your house.

SO to kids: "come on.. you need to go to bed because Tank get's mad and I don't want to deal with it." "No.. tank doesn't want you to cook after 9." "If you don't clean that up, Tank is going to be a pain in the A..."

That sets up a THEM vs YOU and will paint YOU as the bad guy in all of this. Your SO gets to sit over on the side and just blame all this on you... "I don't care if you stay on the couch.. but Tankh gets mad at me"....

So, you end up the scapegoat and DH gets a pass because he is only doing this stuff to keep peace with you. His kids' resentment of you only gets worse and the older and more set in this dynamic they get... the worse they will treat you.

What I would tell SO.. is this.

"If you think that structuring the kids bedtimes and restricting cooking etc.. is a good thing then fine. But don't do it on my account. I don't care when they go to bed, but I want time in the evening to enjoy the living room without the kids lazing about. Also, in the morning when I get up, I don't want to have to rouse a kid off the couch before I can start my day. So, if the kids go to their rooms and stay awake all night.. I don't care.. as long as it doesn't mean they are in here after a certain hour.. or keeping us up. I also am not going to be cleaning up messes in the kitchen. so, I don't care if the kids cook or not.. or when they cook personally... as long as YOU take care of watching or cleaning up."

Bottom line is that these are your kids and I know that we share the house with them during visitation. As their parent, it's up to you to set their boundaries and as a paying adult in this house, I get to have a say in whether I get some free time without kids in the evening. As your SO, it's not my responsibility to feed them, watch them or to discipline them.. that's your job. I don't expect you to raise them the way I might raise kids of my own.. but I do expect you to not make their problems my problems.. like messes.. either they clean or you do etc...