The letter to BM
Last night, I instructed all the children, my two BD and my SD that I wanted them to clean their rooms since I knew they wanted to attend a football game tonight and spend the night with friends or grandmas. While they were cleaning, I went through each of their school folders to look at grades. Well in my SD's daughter math folder was a note to her BM,,,it bascially read that she "couldnt stand living in our house. Her father has become over protective only because of me. That her father only listens to what I have to say. That I am not her mother and I will never be her mother. She wants to move out of the house and move in with her granny. That she got her texting cut off all because of me.. That she suffers from break-downs alot but dont tell dad."
My SD does not realize that I found the note. She never sees her BM, just so happend that she called the other morning after months of not calling and my SD wrote the letter. I realize she needs to vent like me. But she does what she wants, when she wants. She only got her privileges taken away from her phone due to abusing it and talking to guys she didnt know from several states. I think any mother would understand that. My SD realizes that her BM is bi-polar and I have realized that she uses that as "pitty me".
I put the letter back as I found it even though it did hurt my feelings and I tried to convince myself that is her way of getting anger out. The sad part is,,its her mother that has let her down and not been there for her. Her mother left her when she was 3. She is 14 now, I have been there since she was 9. Even though its not all been GREAT,, BELIEVE ME...
DO I let the finding of the letter go..
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If I were you
I would talk to her Dad about it.
I know that dad's have a way with talking to their daughters. Depending on your relationship with her, Maybe you should talk to her about it.
That is a tough decision and I feel for you. Hang in there.
I usually don't tell SD when I find things like that good or bad
I would just file the info away in your mind as an opportunity to peek into hers. She does need to vent. And her BM is this imaginary person she wants desperately to believe in like the tooth fairy or Santa. This is why sometimes it isn't better for BM to just go away like we all wish she would. At least if BM's around the kids have a chance to take her off her pedestal they've placed her on. Of course since our BM is totally clinically dysfunctional, it's tough b/c her presence reinforces those traits in SD. But if BM wasn't around to reaffirm her bad parenting, SD might lose perspective.
I would consider it immature venting, trying to pin the things she doesn't like about her consequences of her behavior as your fault b/c it's more comfortable. As far as it being a letter to her mom, it's likely that she wishes her mom actually cared about her feelings as much as she would like to share them with her.
My SD does the same thing. It's all my fault. But then she admits that I'm a better mom to her than hers has ever been. She uses her situation to get sympathy from others too. Whichever angle works for her that day - wicked stepmother or crazy BM.
And on one level she's right that I am the one who changed her way of living. DH does listen to me, he did adapt his parenting style to mine b/c his only model before was crazy BM. For about 4 or 5 months after BM moved out DH kept up his end of material/ activity spoiling of SD b/c that's what they were both used to. THey competed with each other for SD's happiness and then SD played into that by always trying to get them to out bid each other. "Dad took me to a movie..." "Mom took me shopping and I got a new shirt/book/gameboy...etc.
Then I showed up- single mom/college student working full time surviving on 15K gross pay a year. He saw my kids accept "No" when they asked for something at the store. He saw that we did things together at home rather than go to Chuckie Cheese or Laser Quest. We went to the dollar store for rewards rather than Toys R Us all the time. We went to he dollar movie or a matinee. We ate out once or twice a MONTH. He thought that was a better way to parent. But boy did she rebel!
Peace, love, and red wine
I found a note once too....
I found a note once that SD11 wrote just on a piece of paper. Sort of like a journal but it was just laying on her dresser. I was trying to find my brush that she always used to take. (ended up buying her one of her very own
) It was just stating that she used to have the "best life" before her parents divorced. It broke my heart. What's wrong with her new extended family? What about her step brothers?.....What about me? I took it so hard - I never told anyone that I read it, not even DH. I still get choked writing about it.
It's strange how hard we take it as SMs. Especially when our skids have mothers that don't care and love them properly. (Or maybe up to a standard that we find acceptable). My point is that your SD is probably just being a normal kid who "hates" her parents. I "hated" my (bio)mom too at one point in my adolescence. I just had a jaded view of the world at the time and was a selfish brat. Your SD just found an outlet to express what she deems "unfair".
I understand how you feel, though. It hurts our feeling almost more when a stepchild states that all that is wrong in their life is because of us stepmoms, their dad not paying enough attention, being too strict, or even that they could have their parents together in the same house again if it weren't for dad's new wife.
For me, I take it in stride. I know SDs love their mom and ALL her faults, just like they love me in all my perfection.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Super Sensitive...
I myself grew up having a SM and I can remember that relationsip in my teens being the worst. Me thinking she was horrible,,she would not tell me what chores to do but made my father tell me and I then thought my father was this terrible person, because he was allowing her to tell him to tell me what to do...But as I have grown and now have my own family and Skids I realize she wasnt asking much. She asked for minor and simple things. What she was asking of me was only things that would and did help me as a grown young lady/mother.
Well guess who I am closer too as an adult,, my mother or stepmother.. my stepmother... she is the best nanny to my children.
So I know the storm is rough now and I hope and I pray that I survive it and I guess what I am saying now is I hope and pray that both of SD's daughters will realize that asking them to do the dishes, or clean their bathroom or clean their bedroom, or put up their laundry isnt a reason for hate or to leave the house.
Ive had my feelings hurt before but not as bad as feeling rejected by someone you are raising and love each day. So I do try and put in my mind the same situation when I was that girl,,
Thank you....
So much for your comment here. Please write more about this. We all need to hear it. I know that I never respected what my mom did for us as kids til I had my own. But as a SM I fear my SD will NEVER know or understand what I did for her. We do have really good, honest, long talks but then her mom has a manic episode and buys her a new wardrobe of inappropriate clothes, or a new playstation and off SD goes away from me.
Peace, love, and red wine
In the same boat
Boy, I have been there! Found SD journal and she said that she hated me and wanted to stab me while I was sleeping. Lovely, huh? The sad part is that I really thought he had a good relationship at that point. I spent a lot of time with her and she did not see her BM at that time. I felt that I was playing a good role in her life.
I would talk to your husband and maybe think about getting her some professional help - she would benefit in talking about how she is feeling to someone she views as neutral.
Best of luck to you...and remember not to take this personal - the SM is the first to be blamed and the last to be thanked!
A little humor...
Okay, I realize this isn't the same thing, but I found my son's "journal" a few months ago and, being me, I sneaked a peek. Mostly, it was just drawings and stuff. He's only nine, so it's not like there were any deep, dark secrets in there. He doesn't even HAVE deep, dark secrets yet. But there was one page where he'd written an entry about being mad at "the witch and the warlock" because he lost TV for a week. (I can't remember what he did, but he worked his way up the punishment scale and ended up being grounded and losing TV for a week.) At first I was really hurt and a little mad, because jeez... we sacrifice so much to give our kids everything we can and it just grated on my nerves that he was complaining about losing TV for a week due to HIS bad behavior and when I was his age, I didn't even have a TV in my room, let alone one hooked up to cable. In fact, I remember only having one black and white TV in the house and it was in the living room and only got three or four channels. But then I thought about it and I realized that his world is not the same world I grew up in and that he's entitled to get mad at us just the same way we got mad at our parents when we were young. All kids get mad at their parents. Most kids lash out and say or think things in the heat of the moment that they don't really mean. Kids are just small human beings and they are even less equipped than WE are to deal with life, so of course they are going to need to let off steam, too. Getting it out is better than holding it in. If this is the ONLY sign/symptom you see, then I'd let it go and just watch the situation for now. If there are other concerns, maybe she does need to talk to someone. I don't think this is necessarily a step thing, though. I do believe ALL kids and ALL parents go through this to some extent.
~ Anne ~
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