So, Friday night DH's cell phone rings. We don't typically use our cells at home because the service goes in & out. Sometimes it'll ring through & other times it won't. This time it did, & DH happened to be standing next to his phone when it rang. I knew he was in the kitchen near it but it kept on ringing. I glanced over & he just kept staring at it. I asked who it was & he stated it was the kids.

The only time he's spoken to his kids in the last year & a half (since our last court date) was when SD called on Father's Day & talked to him for about 10 min, & SS called a few weeks ago to wish DH a happy birthday.

I know he misses them terribly, so I wondered why he didn't answer. He just shook his head & said, "I don't know what to say to them". I suggested perhaps something was going on that they needed to be in touch with him about. It took him completely by surprise & he was so nervous. He said, "I'm sure they'll call the house phone. I'll just wait". No call. So, he called the number back.

SS answered & was in tears. He told DH he'd gotten into an argument with BM but never would say what it was about. He continued to tell DH, "I hate you for being abusive & for being a drug addict". Of course, DH was stunned & didn't know what to say. SS followed with, "I had to tell you that. It's been on my mind for a really long time & I just had to get it out." Very calmly he said, "Son, when have I ever abused you?" SS mentions when he was little DH would get mad & hit him. He gave an example that in the past he has admitted he doesn't recall but has heard the story told. (Actually DH was the one who told him about it.) SD was a baby & was crying because she couldn't turn her head. They'd taken her to the ER & just after they got home, DH found SS holding her on the floor in a headlock. DH spanked him & sent him to bed early. BM left DH for the first time the following day because DH was "abusive". Thing is, she left alone. She didn't take the kids. If she felt DH was abusive, she wouldn't have left her children there with him.

DH explained that SS went through a period of wrestling. He loved it. He'd wrestle his friends & he'd wrestle DH. He wasn't allowed to wrestle with SD because she was a baby. They'd gotten after him for it a number of times & this time led to a spanking.

After all these years, BM has taught the kids that when DH disciplined them (verbally or physically) he was abusing them.

Evidently, SS was looking for an apology for abuse, & DH simply told him, "Part of being a good parent is disciplining your children. I'm not going to apologize for disciplining my children".

And for being a drug addict...SS said BM has a picture of DH passing a water bong. DH reminded SS that the picture had to be at least 12 years old. He told him he could've just been passing it on to someone else. Him holding the bong wasn't proof that he smoked pot, but also told him he wasn't going to lie to him. He said, "I'm not going to tell you I've never smoked pot, but I can tell you it's been a long time since I have. I have pictures of BM smoking joints & smoking crack. I have journal entries she left at our house when she left about having such vivid dreams & wondering if it was a result of LSD use. I can tell you I've never smoked crack & I've never used LSD. I have smoked pot. It was a choice I made. It was a poor choice, but it was mine to make."

SS wanted DH to agree to random drug tests at SS's request. DH explained that his employer does random drug screens & he wouldn't have a job if he smoked pot. He told SS that as a responsible parent he would not give SS the authority to demand DH take a drug screen. He explained that it's not SS's responsiblity to keep DH "in line".

SS was also angry that DH didn't appeal after their last court hearing. SS took DH to court so he & SD wouldn't have to participate in visitation. DH told SS that as a child it was not his place to take DH to court, & he let him know that him getting involved in what should've been between DH & BM would not result in anything good. He let him know that whatever came of it would stand because DH was finished begging for time with his kids. The ruling was for DH to take an anger management course & that there would be an order for supervised visitation by BM in her home. After the anger management DH could go back to court again to unsupervised visitation re-instated. At that point, the kids were already deemed old enough & mature enough to decide on their own & they had chosen not to come, so DH never went back to have the order changed. Apparently BM has told the kids that if DH really wanted to see them he'd have gone back...again...& appealed. He explained to SS that things are the way they are now because of a choice SS made. He wanted to step up & behave like a man facing DH in court. DH warned him of the consequences, & this is the result of SS's choice. SS said he's been wanting to come stay with DH on weekends, but because of the order BM won't let him.

I told DH it's good for SS to be able to relate his choice to the consequence. I think it's best left alone until he turns 18 in July. Let him stew in it. Give him some time to let the correlation set in, & give him the opportunity to accept the responsibility for his actions. We haven't seen them for the last 2 Christmases. We can pass on this one, & he'll be old enough to come if he chooses to next year.

DH said it was clear that SS is eager to get out from under BM. She gave him a POS car for his 16th birthday & she has run it into the ground. She won't take him for his learners, so he never even got to drive his car. She can't afford to pay his insurance.

I told DH that if SS wants to stay with us when he turns 18 we have plenty of room for him. He'll have a roof over his head & a room to sleep in. DH can fix the car...I'm certain. There will be a rule that anyone over 18 in our home will work full-time & will cover the cost of their own insurance & fuel. If he chooses to go to college, we will keep a roof over his head, but he will still have to work part time to cover his share of the insurance & his fuel to get to & from.

DH asked SS about why they stopped going to counseling. SS said that after the last court hearing BM decided they weren't going back because they didn't have to. DH explained that obviously there were many issues he & SS need to work through & that he would like to start going again. If BM won't work with him on it, they could go after SS turns 18, but that he really feels it's important that they deal with these questions & problems so that they can have a healthy relationship. DH explained that the purpose of counseling was to help them rebuild their relationship...not to adhere to a court order. DH didn't mention it, but of course BM wouldn't follow through because she has no interest in DH having a relationship with his children.

All-in-all, they talked about a lot of things that needed to be talked about. Not in entirety, but it gave DH some insight & ideas about what his kids are dealing with, & what he will have to deal with when the time comes. It was a difficult discussion for DH, & he came close to tears, but didn't break down. I was proud of him for his honesty & his ability to back up his title of "Father" when I know it would've been so easy to bend for the sake of winning points from his child. I have to credit where it's due. He's never been one to fold under pressure.

I can't imagine the sting that DH must've felt in hearing his son tell him he hates him. And for that to be followed by accusations of abuse & being a drug addict. Not because they are true, but because his son honestly believes they are true.

The end result was worth it, I believe. They each said a genuine "I miss you" & "I love you" by the time it was over.

I am so hoping that this will be the beginning of the healing for the two of them. SD...she still clings ever-so-tightly to her mother...her "hero".