Male/Female Roles
Why is it that even though I've never given birth, when it comes to SS10 my OH expects certain things from me? Got an invite for a meal out yesterday from a friend & I replied saying that we had SS10 that weekend and so wouldn't be able to go - OH hadn't even thought to think 3 weeks ahead with the EOW arrangement & had actually agreed to go to a poker game!
One of the frustrations I have is that because OH continued to live in the marital home after he & BM split up, he has never lived by himself since becoming a parent. I feel sometimes like it doesn't even occur to him that he should be taking the lead on all things SS related as he's always had a woman he's living with to do stuff.
This also spills over into household chores - as BM never worked she did the lion's share of washing, cleaning, organising etc & he just did some cooking as he's good at it. Now, even though we both work full time he hardly ever automatically thinks to do the washing up, clean anything or even put his clean washing away (a big bug bear of mine as he just grabs stuff from a huge pile on the floor & then it gets mixed in with dirty stuff!)
I want equality, but at the moment I feel like I'm contributing more both financially and domestically in our relationship, and whenever I've spoken to him before things are different for a few days then revert to normal!
Anyone else got an OH like this? Any suggestions for how to tackle the subject that might have a lasting effect? I've tried leaving stuff for longer, but he still doesn't seem to notice & I end up caving because I don't want to live in a hovel!
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My husband used to pile crap
My husband used to pile crap on our kitchen bar. I couldn't stand it. I would tell him and tell him to get it off and put it away and he would always be getting to it. Finally, I told him I'm going to be cleaning in there on Saturday, you have three days to get whatever belongs to you off that bar or its going in the garbage. He gave me the same old,"I'll get it." Saturday came and it was all still there. I kept my word, didn't even look at it and threw it all away. a few days later he comes to me and asks for something that was on the bar...it was important...lol. I told him I threw it away. He doesn't do that anymore.
As far as the other things you mention, it is best to sit down and have a conversation with him and express to him the seriousness of how you feel about this. Let him know what is a deal breaker for you. Also let him know that you will not be babysitting his kid for him while he goes out ever again. That is his responsibility. Thing is though if you say it you have to mean it.
That's the problem, I don't
That's the problem, I don't think he realises how important this is to me. I'm not going to throw a relationship away over him not doing the washing up, but it's all the little things added together, and more importantly what that represents to me.
OH hadn't even thought to
OH hadn't even thought to think 3 weeks ahead with the EOW arrangement & had actually agreed to go to a poker game!
-----------> Hmmm, I don't know many men that do think that far ahead
If you reminded him that he has his son that weekend, would he cancel the poker game?
I think that if you and your OH sat down together and you explained to him gently that you are feeling like you contribute more and you would like a little more help, maybe he would gladly help out. Sometimes we don't realize that the other person has taken on so much responsibility and that they feel like they have too much on their plate to which we aren't contributing to with a helping hand. I would suggest you and OH sit down and make a list of all the chores/duties and assign responsibilities out.
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
I'm not sure what he's
I'm not sure what he's planning about the poker game - there was a comment last night that he'd had to miss the last one because we had SS10, so he didn't want to do it again. I'm not sure whether that means he's expecting me to babysit, or whether I'll suddenly find out he's switching weekends with BM again (which really annoys me as I like to know where we are with this stuff!)
You are absolutely on to
You are absolutely on to something that is growing at an epidemic rate. Here in this society.
It's what we call the "SOFT MALE"
This is a huge topic that I can't begin to tackle in a post.
You asked a great question.
"Any suggestions for how to tackle the subject that might have a lasting effect?"
There is an answer to this.
Your husband will not find the answers to this here in this forum. Nor can you try and set things up at home so he will be how you want him to be.
There is a class. A great class. This class is not for the faint of heart.
To explain the frustration of what you are going through has to do with his upbringing, and today's society.
Our current belief system.
He has been molded to what you have right now in your home.
Manhood is in a state of confusion
Confused men create major mistakes
Confused men settle for less
There is no lofty vision of manhood today that is compelling to men. <----- THIS IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND!
Which is the direct result in men today doing what they do. Doing what they don't do. They have no direction.
This is something he should have been taught growing up.
As an adult now, if he has the desire? He can learn to be what you are needing him to ba as your "husband".
You can PM me for more info.
I am not selling anything or have any personal adjenda in giving your husband this information.
Like Iron sharpens Iron.
This is just one man sharpening another man.
Sounds intriguing Jon-Boy,
Sounds intriguing Jon-Boy, but we're in the UK, so I don't know if this class would run over here. There's a lot of truth in what you're saying though, gender roles are confused now - women are told on one hand they can 'have it all', then blasted on the other for delaying motherhood to establish a career. Men are still often expected to be the provider, but not to follow their father's example in leaving the parenting to the mother.
It's good to get the male perspective, thanks!
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Poker game on a kid/skid
Poker game on a kid/skid night and I'm not invited? He better be ASKING my permission and ASKING if I mind watching the kids alone! And if I'm ok with it? Accepting invitations that don't involve kids/skids on those weekends better NOT become a habit.
In my situation, we have no kids/skids EOW so it is usually an automatic NO for invitations that don't involve kids on the weekends we have them. There is plenty of time to do things without them without giving up parenting time. If you have kids/skids every weekend, that may be a different story but your spouse should not automatically assume he's free just cuz you are at home to take care of the kids.
Hell NO! I woulldn't put up
Hell NO! I woulldn't put up with that for a second. They are his kids and he thinks poker is more important? He expects you to be his slave? I'd be setting that straight right away.