I've never thought about our situation that way, but in our case, when DH and BM were married, BM would take off for days, weeks, months, and the last time, years and then come back like she never left. All the while, DH was the one caring for the kids, getting them to & from school, etc...being the responsible parent. It just so happened, the last time BM left, after 4 years, DH decided he was done waiting for her to come back and moved on. BM did come back when she realized he wasn't moping around waiting for her, and was truly offended that him & the kids still had lives without her. But even now, BM has skids and they have picked up & gone on without DH. They come back around when they need something & expect him to be there for them, ready to give them whatever it is they need...and he ALWAYS is! Weird!

BM came back into the skids lives in 2005, and they were tickled pink. They are now SS16 and SD13. We don't see them anymore as SM has PAS'd them to death. I've been around to witness the process, however, was never aware of PAS until I found this site a few months ago. The process was gradual, and we now haven't seen either of them since last July. DH let them live with BM when she came back around because she told them she had stage 4 Hodgkins and 8 months to live. BM & skids cried & begged for DH to let them spend those last months with her & without consulting with anyone, he let them go. Since then, BM has convinced them that DH was abusive by disciplining them. She told them that by doing so, he doesn't respect them as people and doesn't respect their wishes and choices. She has the judge convinced that he's angry and violent-tempered, and the kids have been brainwashed to believe that when he had them he never fed them. They believe this because as young children they were thin. So many stories they are convinced they remember to be true that never happened. Anyway...

I've picked the situation to death trying to figure out where we went wrong, and why we can't just all get along. It used to piss me off so bad when we'd make plans for visitation and then the day it was supposed to happen it just never did. DH was hurt & sad for so long, but you could bet that the second they'd call needing something, he'd be right there with it...for BM or skids. I always felt like I was last and it hurt so bad. I have come to learn a lot about all of us...myself, DH, BM, skids...in the years I've spent trying to figure it out.

BM and I have never clashed one-on-one. I have always made a point to hold my tongue so as not to give her anything to carry back to the skids. They have never heard me speak ill of her, and my hope is that they never will.

In making a point to try to understand her and why she does what she does, I have come to see that she struggles as an individual. While she makes me furious, I know she's doing it because she's a miserable person. She was raised by a miserable person. She doesn't work...never has. She has no motivation to get up in the mornings and make her days worthwhile. She's selfish and it comes through in the way she's used her kids to get what she wants. I know she doesn't like me, but we're always civil.

In our short times together, I suppose we are okay with each other. In life as a whole, I despise her and what she's done/doing to her kids, but at times, I really do feel sorry for her. Not because of how hard her life is or has been. She's made the choices that have led her to where she is. But I feel sorry for her because she's completely lost as a person and is completely incapable of being successful in a relationship.

Knowing what I know about her, and having witnessed her sneakiness and spite toward DH, we'll never reach a point where I'll trust her or take her word for anything. She's ruined the relationships between DH and their children. She's ruined any credibility he ever had with them. I hope that once they get out from under her thumb they'll figure it out.

Being able to see the similarities in how BM and DH were in their life together and how each of them still are helps me realize that when I felt DH was putting me last, it wasn't that way in his mind. He was simply playing the parent/caregiver part that he's always been responsible for playing, and she continues to play the selfish, me, me, me, do-whatever-I-want to part that she's always played. Unfortunately now, she's playing that part with her kids and teaching them that it's okay...

DH has reached the point, he's given up on the court system. We went in with the mentality that if we stuck with the truth, justice would be served. Unfortunately, it turns out BOTH parties need to stick with the truth in order for that to ring true. We're simply waiting it out and whatever happens at this point happens.

When BM left, she left everything behind, so we have all of the pictures from when DH and BM were together.

I just finished making scrapbooks for both kids and someday, when they come looking for answers or advice (hopefully) and they are old enough to appreciate them, I'll give them to them. I hope that the photos will give them comfort and hopefully some answers to what their lives were really like with their dad. Hopefully being able to see that he did laugh and play with them and they laughed and played with him will help them realize that he's not the big bad monster BM has made him out to be.

I made a point to be fair in highighting their memories with both DH and SM (as much as it killed me). I want them to understand that I value their relationships with both of their parents. I don't know that they'll ever make that connection, but if nothing else, they won't be able to say that I was one-sided.