Every time I sit down to write this, I feel a deep exhaustion, and more fear than usual of "what could be".

I am lucky that BM isn't vindictive - so far - because she could be so much worse with courts, attorneys etc. I don't know if she doesn't drag DH and I into court because she doesn't want to spend the money, or because she does not think to go that route. I don't know if it is easier for her to play the poor victim and we are the bad guys taking SD away. I don't know how long BM will only fight with guilt, pressure, and sadness. Eventually she may turn vindictive.. or get angry.

I went to the parent teacher conference with BM this past week. SD is so freakin' smart! She is in a class where they are soldering a circuit board together, then programming the board, then building a robot to work from the board! She can get college credits for 3 of her classes this year (her Jr. year), including to an engineering school! She is also now taking part in drama club and the prom committee! This is HUGE for her. She always had the academics, it was the social activities she wouldn't participate in. So this is good! Also, DH and I received the best email from her guidance counselor saying SD seems "happy" and "settled"!! Woo Hoo!! It's what we wanted!

The worst part about going to the parent teacher conference, that I thought you ladies could oh-so-well relate to, is this... BM and I went to each class together. Each teacher would meet us. "Hi I'm Stick, SD's stepmom"! "Oh nice to meet you"... and then turn to BM... "Hi I'm BM.. SD's MOM" and their response every time was "OHhhhh how nice to meet you!! SD is such a good student, so nice, smart... etc. I see where she gets her eyes. I see where she gets her "fun!" It was very difficult to go through considering everything. And very sad too.

Anyway... on to the week! SD turned 16! We had a surprise party for her and her friends on Saturday which went well, for the most part. But there were some emotional up and downs all weekend due to BM, DH being away for this big birthday, and SD's best girlfriend. SD's friends are somewhat like her mother, unfortunately. And she is seeing that more and more all the time. This latest.. SD's best girlfriend decided that she liked the boy SD liked. And went about getting that boy to "choose" her. And then flirted and teased that boy in front of SD at her birthday party. Nice, huh? I wanted to strangle that girl! Can my SD not get a break from f*cked up people around her???

Also during this past busy week.. met with SD's counselor on Friday!! Good news Ladies!! The counselor has confirmed that BM does fit some of the criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I read some sections to her from "Children of the Self-Absorbed" and she agreed that it was BM. She also indicated to me, that she feels that BM is more Histrionic that Narcissistic. She felt that BM fit 7 of the 8 criteria for Histrionic Personality Disorder. Her therapist also told me that when SD asked her if she was "emotionally abused", she did NOT answer yes or no. I told her that SD took that as "no" as there was no intent to hurt. So that's good. What the therapist said is sad to me... because it infers something else. But I'm glad that SD heard the "no" part. The therapist did tell me that SD is very emotionally smart. She is doing "the work" that people do in their 20's! But we cannot share the supposed diagnosis or talk of personality disorders yet. She is still too young, and too hurt. Even though SD has asked "what is wrong" with her mom... she has not sought out the answer too much yet. So it's not time.

Can I tell you what a bittersweet relief it is to get that vindication? Yes, it's no longer just DH and I thinking BM is a "jerk". The counselor could not give a formal diagnosis as BM is not her patient. But still...

... So now DH can, having the approval of both SD's therapist, and psychiatrist (for the anti-depressants), tell BM that we no longer will force SD to see her. Their relationship will be between them. We are trying to figure out the logistics. But it may be that SD just needs some space and will call BM when she is ready to see her. The therapist and psychiatrist did not think there would be legal ramifications due to SD's age... but we still are going to check with the attorney. We checked to make sure we aren't doing "emotional damage" to SD by allowing this. The therapist thought it may help SD "work through her grief". The psychiatrist thought it could possibly help their relationship in the long run.

This is where we are wary of what is to come. I have to work with DH to get a Power of Attorney, at the very least, for his absence so that I can act in his place. We may have to modify the custody arrangement with the courts and if we do that, then I want the whole child support issues filed at the same time.

I have discovered that I am the "worst case scenario" kind of girl. Where if I have to make a decision, I look at the worst case that could happen when considering it. If I can live with that, then I can go ahead with the decision. The worst cases that could happen with BM right now are frightening to me. But it is in the best interest of SD.

I was able to tell SD tonight and she seemed happy about it. But I don't think it is "real" to her. In her mind, she can come and go out of her mom's life as she wants. She thinks that she will see her mom at that side's birthday party for her, at her Confirmation, at Thanksgiving. She's not sure she wants to see her mom at Christmas. She doesn't even want her mom to touch her and won't talk to her at all right now. I have told her to talk to her counselor and take this one day at a time.

As far as DH and I ... we are entering unchartered territory. I don't know if BM will flip out, or cling, or disengage. I feel bad for her. Even though at school, and I was getting pushed aside at the meetings, I knew what was going on in SD's classes and life. BM didn't. And SD doesn't want her to.

The counselor confirmed that SD poured her heart out to BM and that BM could not repeat back ANY OF IT. She couldn't empathize with her daughter at all. So SD doesn't want her to know about the parts of her life she thinks BM would "take credit for" or "enjoy" if she can't share her pain. So now, she may not be part of her life for a while.

Thanks Ladies for listening ... and for being there. If anyone has legal advice, please let me know. I'm wary... and very weary.