SS18 Lives Here No More
So I've written nearly 5 Tolstoy-length novels in the past few on StepTalk. . Of note, and tomorrow will be the first full day:
SS18 No Longer Resides en la casita de StepUltimate. Effective today.
It has been a long journey. I am here with the animals, cuddling, confident stony sneaky SS18 won't potentially be coming by - and by potential I mean he's averaged <2 nights/week @ this house since HS gradjamuhkayshun in early June.
It doesn't feel like a party - I grieve for DH's pain and I grieve for a time before he recently said some awful, hurtful things to me.
Nonetheless, I remain. Endlessly grateful to everyone on this website - thank you for the compassion, wisdom, encouragement, and calling it like you see it. My in-person community is wonderful, but only my StepTalk peeps get it (and I'm sorry you do; if I had the flashy-thingy Will Smith had in Men in Black, I would zap ya'll and we'd come "back-to" watching a killer sunrise on the beach together, hot vanilla chai latte in hand, only knowing the whole free beautiful day is before you and slightly confused as to how you got there). Thank you so much for helping me stay strong & say what I mean & mean what I say. Goodnite.
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Comments
Change the Locks
make sure the windows are locked.. Make sure he can not get in
Oh yes
He will get over it, mine did. The first few days were the worst, when he paced back and forth in front of the bay window crying and looking for her to come back. I laughed, children are supposed to grow up and move on with their own lives. He got no sympathy from me, after the hell they put me through.
Thank you
I hope you're right... I don't know this man who ignored me but looks exactly like my husband... I pray he does get past this. Unclear if he will or if this is the beginning of the end.
I hope that you and your
I hope that you and your husband will be okay.
He needs to realize that SS has to make the decision to do something with his life and if he doesn't, that is not your fault. If he goes back to BM's and becomes a bum, that is not your fault, he had other options.
I just don't understand why your husband did not do more to guide (push) if he is so worried about his son going back to BM's. Your husband made the decision to literally do nothing to help his son, while claiming he wants to help his son. Now, he is playing the victim.
I understand his disappointment and his concern, but he contributed to this situation by letting SS just do whatever he wanted. This is the consequence.
So, now what? Is your husband just going to continue to pout and do nothing? I hope he has made it clear to his son WHY he was made to move out. That it was due to his own actions, or lack thereof, and he could have made other choices and prevented this. I hope that your husband also sees his own part in this. How does he think that he is any better than BM, when he lets his son continue to act irresponsibly and do nothing except party?
Your husband and your step son seem to have the same line of thinking, that other people will (and should)carry them through. I mean, your husband admits he needs you financially, but thinks he can buy a sports car? And is upset that he doesn't already have one? What is this sports car obsession about?
I don't understand, either
My otherwise sane, logical, agreeable but also strong-in-his-preferences husband does appear to be thinking like SS. I am surprised. No matter what ends up happening, separate accounts is happening. I had already decided this but the past few days confirm the need is real.
DH is much better at math than me but likes to spend and thinks being in debt is an ongoing, normal part if life. He'd gotten a loan for a used sportscar, and we enjoyed the heck out of it for nearly two years, and just got the 60k tune-up & new tires all around when someone in a huge truck ran an intersection and "tapped" our rear bumper at low speed (<15mph) before Christmas. We have good insurance & thought it would be repaired, but sportscar was declared a "total loss" because the frame was damaged and it would cost more than 51% of what the current value was to fix. So we paid $20k+ on that car (not including the premium gas and higher insurance) and have NOTHING to show for it.
So even though we finished the 6-week FPU classes and paid off ALL debt except auto loans that same month (= a major accomplishment!), replaced the sportscar with a $14k economy vehicle I also put $2,500 down on and drive myself, and agreed the plan was to pay off the auto loans asap then put that same amount if $$ aside every month towards the sportscar. That way, we wouldn't have the same thing happen, and pay cash at a discount (= negotiating power!) rather than the sticker price plus interest. That was our agreed-to, logical, post-FPU plan. I am 100% unsure why DH feels entitled to be in debt and pay dramatically more in price so he can gratify his desire for the sportscar, but I do know that he can do all that himself with his own money now. He's going to put himself & SS on his company's insurance instead of the superior insurance they've been enjoying from my firm.
I did not know DH would go this route. I am sad, and will see how he does in the next few days while I prepare for potential separation. Either he snaps out if this, makes amends, and acts like a husband again, or he continues blaming me without me around to "enjoy" this treatment.
I feel de facto punished for ever being kind and having sympathy for DH & SS. It is revealing to be accused of so many things by the person I did these things for, out of love.
DH was livid when I told him
DH was livid when I told him that SS (then mid 20s) could not come for Christmas dinner with his family a few years ago. This was not Christmas day - it was two weeks earlier. I'd invited DH's siblings and their spouses - but none of their adult children were invited. SS had been floating around drunk/drugged, homeless, dating skank hos - I did NOT want that in my home.
DH went into that "silent sulk" mode for 2-3 days - maybe 4. I just totally ignored him. I did not justify my actions, nor did I beg him to "forgive" me. I just ignored him.
He got over it. Over the next year or so SS hooked up with a woman with an apartment, job and car. She got pregnant and they are sitll together. DH started bringing them around and I opened the door a crack. BIG MISTAKE.
The horrible home invasion/ransacking of our home that took place while we were on vacation was the final nail in the coffin though. They actually did me a favor - now I NEVER EVER EVER have to see them again. I told DH to keep them away from me and he's complied totally.
A leopard can't change it's spots.
Agree, thank you
I always appreciate hearing from you Notasm3. I always say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, so that would make you an undefeated olympic heavyweight power-lifter.
Much respect,
Give your H some time to suck
Give your H some time to suck his thumb and process while you go along your merry, logic speaking way.
It's very common for weak parents to behave like this when we draw a boundary or change the status quo. He'll soon get used to the lack of strife and having a happy home.
Thank you
I so appreciate your encouragement and hope you are right. Thanks again.
Staying strong
I am okay. Have dinner plans with the friends I hung out with yesterday; had brunch with my brother & his awesome wife (no kids, no drama = so happy for my bro he has a good woman and they are so happy together. Love my SIL, total down-to-earth sweetheart who is good to my bro). So I'm at a cafe outside in the shade, avoiding DH who should be awake by now. I am taking care of me - after my bro's house I went shopping (didn't find anything exciting but got my fave kind of underwear I usually pay a lot more for at Macy's somewhere else), now here. My gym has a comfy lounge I can also hang out in. For now, enjoying the leaves moving in the breeze, sitting in half-sun/half-shade, pretending the traffic sound is really ocean waves, drinking a super-healthy fruit smoothie, feeling sad but being grateful. Praying for DH, wondering if he'll contact me or continue to ghost me (not going there now to give him another chance). Praying for SS to wake the eff UP and use this as an opportunity to course-correct. Apparently DH will blame me 100% for anything less.
I spoke to another dear friend this morning- she's a former CEO I worked for forever ago and has been like family ever since, as well as my ultimate business mentor (I have a few). 20 years ago she had to kick her bio-daughters out for the same reasons. They are both gorgeous, amazing women today enjoying their families and their success, and tell my friend kicking them out was the best thing she ever did for them. DH slammed both her daughters when I shared that with him, totally mean, when he was angry with me (like SS17 is so much better than they are, right DH?). This friend of mine performed our marriage ceremony, and when DH slammed her dsughters it was so wrong - he should hope SS does as well as those two (I sure do!).
Will continue avoiding DH and taking care of myself today.
Pathetic DH: Mantrum Skills not all that
So I had to come home to charge my phone before I go out to dinner. My DH was in the bedroom, he said Hi, so I said Hi DH, right back, but didn't stop or say anything else. Fed the animals, hooked up my phone, and went to the living room to lie down and wait til the phone charged. DH took a shower, then came out & sat at the desk behind me. I mentioned I was having dinner with friends. He mentioned the old nanny-cam and cable were gone (I got it back in 2015-16 to bust SS staying home "sick" and getting high at our house a bunch, but SS discovered it after a month and Guiltee Daddee told me not to use it anymore) and I go, Yes, I gave it to my brother. DH had no idea I went to my bro's house this morning while DH slept, and he goes, Well it was here just a few days ago. I replied, Yes, I just took it to my bro's this morning. You need it? DH said, "No, just want to make sure I'm not being spied on."
I let that pathetic insult go unanswered, but a minute later I gently got up and told DH I was going into the bedroom to get away from his slams because I din't like it. A few minutes later DH came in with keys in hand, saying I'm leaving. I ghosted him right back- like really do you think I'm gonna ask where to? DH usually always wants me to go with him, so it was a stab at pointing out he's going Somewhere without even wanting me with, but WITH wanting to jab at me by interrupting the Ghosting to tell me crypticslly that he's leaving.
Bye, drama-king. Not playing. This is not a joke to me but DH is acting pathetic. Have never seen this aspect of my husband. Disappointing is an understatement.
He's hoping you will give in
He's hoping you will give in and let SS come back. He's trying to manipulate you by treating you like crap. Knowing you don't like it, knowing that it hurts you, knowing that it makes you angry and upset. He's telling you that this is how it's going to be unless you play by his rules and let SS stay.
How long he is willing to do it, I don't know, but he is banking on you caving.
What he doesn't get, is what he is doing to the relationship.
Didn't you say that
Didn't you say that this wouldbe his third divorce if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass? Wow. No offense intended to anyone but after the second divorce, wouldn't anyone have to start thinking about who the common denominator is in the situation?
Ultimate Freedom 4 StepUltimate
It is well with my soul.
I did not waiver, I did not cave, I would not cow, I could not submit, I did not lie, and truth was on my side. Plus I was willing to risk it, given the potential outcome.
DH apologised to me a few days after kicking SS out. SS is still being a selfish flakey immature lame - he flaked on DH again today. I will post an update but work kicked my *ss today & I am suuuuper tired, so probably this weekend. Doing a lot of OT & just wiped out.