You all really helped me to determine what was most important last week. So I found a sex tape. (See the original post from last week here: http://www.steptalk.org/node/37426) We all have histories. I completely trust my DF. I found the tape in a place that he RARELY ever goes, which is evident by all the crap in that drawer. It was a complete mistake/coincidence that I found it, and it was completely my own mistake for having the searing curiousity to look at the damned thing.

On Christmas, DF opened my gift. He was so excited about the tickets I bought him! He said they were the best gift he's ever received. I watched him check out the 6 pairs of socks that lined the box, but he didn't have a single reaction to them. (#1 reason I knew he didn't even realize/know where the tape was)

I didn't bring up anything all weekend, but we had a few moments of drama with BM and I ended up crying/being more sensitive than usual about them. He asked if anything was wrong but we were at his family's house and I didn't want to bring it up.

We arrived last night back at home. After unpacking, we were putting things away in our bedroom. I promptly took the entire plastic drawer out, gave it to him, and said, "There's something in there that I accidentally found and I need you to get rid of it." He took it, was very confused, and started looking through stuff. He said, "Do you wanna give me a hint here?" (Reason #2 I know he had no idea)

I picked up THE sock bundle and nonchalantly-as-possible said, "There's a tape in here and I can use my imagination to guess what it is. Please take care of it." DF's face grew red, he stumbled on his words, and I just said, "Not a big deal, I just want it gone." Then I left the room. I heard him go to the kitchen garbage and throw some stuff away. Then I came back in the bedroom and he said, "I have no idea what that was, or why it was in my sock. I added it to the other tapes in our camera bag -- it's probably some video I kept of the kids so that BM wouldn't take it when she moved out."

(Okay, so DF lied here. But I understand why...I'll explain.)

I kept cleaning/putting things away, pretending it wasn't a big deal. Then I started thinking that maybe he really DIDN'T know what was on that tape. What if he really was that dumb? What if he really did put it back in with our other tapes and it would crop up sometime again in our future??? I couldn't handle this idea and realized right then that I needed to tell him the WHOLE truth (which is what most of YOU recommended) -- that I watched it/knew what it was.

I sat down next to him and blurted out, "I need you to go get the tape and throw it away. I need it out of our house and life." DF stuttered a little, then said, "Whyy?" I could tell he was horrified at that moment and that he knew what I was about to say. I said, "I watched it. I know it's a sex tape. I need to know it's destroyed."

His face got beeeeeeeet red. He got really teary-eyed. He put his hands over his face and said, "I'm sooo sorry. Oh god. You should never have had to see something like that. I don't even know what to say."

I explained to him that there's not a part of me that thinks he kept it to reminisce, and that I know he never goes in that drawer for anything. He said, "Thank you. That is absolutely the truth." I explained that I am more upset with myself that I watched it at all. We hugged, he asked me how I ever could have kept this from him for days, and I told him that I needed to work out in my own mind what was most important. To me, it was more important to spend Christmas together and not to ruin or taint his Xmas present with thoughts of BM. He then said, "Wow. That totally makes sense that you have been more sensitive the last few days about BM stuff. I'm soooo sorry." He started to get choked up. Then he said, "I'm so sorry I lied, also...I really DID throw it away but I thought I'd just take care of it and save you from even needing to know what it was." He said that he knew the tape existed at some point but never knew what became of it. He genuinely had no idea where it was stored and assumed it was long gone.

After we hugged and seemed to move on, he had another thought. He said, "Is there anything I need to know about that I should be sensitive about? Is there anything you saw that I should be concerned about doing with you...?" Even though it wasn't necessary, just knowing that he thought to be concerned about this meant the world to me. I told him the part I watched would probably remain in my head for awhile but that I would do my best. I told him I don't even want to tell him what position/things I saw. And I also told him about how it could have been worse -- it could have been someone NOT BM that I didn't even know about, they could have been doing something we've never done before, etc.

When we went to sleep last night, he snuggled me close and said, "You are an amazing person. What you did -- the way you handled this all -- explains exactly why I love you. If I had found something like that, I would FREAK out. I don't even know what I would do...but you showed me what was important. US. and our FUTURE. Everything else is in the past."