Background: SD - almost 13; SS12, BD1 and we just announced to the kids about baby-on-the-way.

Well, grandma (DH's mom) asked to have the grandkids for Saturday night, 2 weekends in a row, the first Saturday night being the day after we had just told kids about the new baby. As expected, the stepkids have a lot of questions/comparisons about when they were babies. Now since BM and I are two very different people, our parenting of babies has been VERY different, and since my MIL are from the same type of cultural background, my parenting style and hers are quite similar and we get along quite well. MIL did not have the same kind of relationship with BM as she does with me, I was like a daughter to her long before DH and I ever dreamed of dating each other.

Anyway, three things have come up so far:
1. My MIL is not going to lie to the stepkids, so she says things like, "No, when you were a baby, your mom did it differently." But all the while, she is also saying, "I did the exact same thing for you all when you were babies, as I am doing now for 1yr old, and as I will do for grandkid-on-the-way."

2. BM once had DH jailed temporarily on false DV charges. The charges were dropped. Apparently SD knows about this although DH has never spoken to the kids about it. At grandma's house, SD saw a mother on TV crying about her son going to jail, and she asked grandma how she felt when daddy had to go to jail. My MIL says she is not going to pretend that she doesn't know what the kid is asking about, or lie to her. She told her that she was tremendously hurt, and worried about her son and didn't think he needed to be treated like that. That, like any mother would be, the situation made her very sad.

My MIL really tries her best not to say anything bad about their BM, but she recently went on a religious retreat and is now 100% against lying. She has decided that she is going to tell the FACTS as she knows them and not sugarcoat much.

When we dropped back the kids on Sunday, BM texts DH that his mother is telling the kids all sorts of lies about her, if MIL doesn't know that they will come back and report to her, what kind of person is MIL if she's turned all religious and telling lies, maybe BM and her family should tell the kids all about DH.

Now it's very clear that the kids have heard all sorts of nasty things about DH, whether directly from BM or from being around the grown adults of BM's family talking trash about him. DH refuses to directly address any of these things, because the kids have never asked him much and he thinks they are still too young and immature to understand.

3. The next weekend, SD asks MIL if MIL hates her BM. To which MIL replied that she does not hate anyone. SD tried to keep asking more questions, but MIL was playing with SS and tried to focus on what she was doing and avoid getting deeper into that topic.

Same weekend, SD goes into MIL's purse and checks through her phone. DH and I have told her many times about respecting people's privacy and not touching other people's phones because we really do not trust her with personal information. My MIL feels very conflicted about this because she thinks she should trust SD but she doesn't. She was not happy about SD digging through her purse and going through her phone, but she did like it wasn't a big deal. One major reason she feels torn is because SD pulled this card - "But BD1 goes in your purse and gets to play with your phone!" Two granddaughters, but two totally different people. BD1 cannot read or talk! But grandma is having a hard time being fair (and being forced to be equal) with 2 granddaughters of 12 yrs age difference because SD is watching her every move with BD1 and comparing.

MIL bought a toy for BD1. The stepkids played with it until they ruined it. When grandma saw them playing with it, she remarked that she didn't know they would play with that since it's a toy for really young kids, and she felt obliged to offer to buy them a toy. SD put in the request for the color she wanted, and the put in the request for the color her brother must have since, in fact, he didn't care about making sure Grandma bought him a toy just as she did for baby.

SD had also told Grandma that she wishes she can go by her every weekend since daddy is always so busy (DH works many weekends, and they are home with me and get schoolwork to do as they need a lot of help). As far as I see, it's because she is realizing just how much she can pick grandma's head for information (she NEVER asks these tough questions - to me or grandma - when DH is around), and just how much she can manipulate grandma to give her things because grandma gives the baby things. Grandma now, feels obliged to have all 3 kids over if baby is going over there, but has started asking to get baby one night during the week when the stepkids are not around so that she can enjoy the time with baby without the stress of having to watch her every move.

I know there's no solution to this situation. I certainly wish it didn't have to be this damn complicated.