lol.

DH and I were JUST having this conversation last night. My skids were incredibly coddled by BM with very few chores or expectations. We had chores and expectations when they came to our house...and they've all become hard workers...fought back against the ineptitude. I'm proud of them for that...but every once in a while there's some glaring gap in their knowledge that would be really funny if it wasn't so sad. 

Like when YSD put Dawn in our dishwasher when she was trying to run a load of dishes or when SS drove his car through our fence... 

I think there are multiple answers to this, but the blame doesn't fall squarely on the BM.

You have good BMs who are busy and overwhelmed. They act as single parents - no spouse, no CS, no nothing. They likely try, but just can't handle doing it on their own. We don't likely hear about these BMs on here.

You also have the BMs who try and their ex does everything to sabotage those efforts because their ex is absent, a Disney Dad, or conniving. We sometimes hear these stories when SMs realize they have married a guilty daddy who can't manage to make his kids do anything, and kids will do whatever the minimum bar set is when they can.

You have BMs who don't have hygeine or life skills themselves. They can't teach something they don't know. That is when Dad needs to step up and teach those skills, and reinforce them on their time. My DH bounces between this and the previous category depending on the day. We hear about these BMs and Dads frequently.

You have BMs that purposefully cripple their children as retaliation against Dad, to make themselves feel better, or to keep their kids dependent upon them forever. We hear a lot about these BMs on here, and this usually accompanies some type of PAS, which creates either a guilty dad or an ineffectual one because BM has stripped his power in the minds of her kids.

Sometimes, despite the best efforts of both parents, some kids just don't and won't learn. They won't do for themselves even if their parents won't do for them.

You can also reverse the roles in all of these, too.

My skid's BM infantilized her daughter. At 7 years old, her bm was still buckling her in the car and carrying her around like a baby. She spent so much time keeping her daughter an infant, she didn't notice or care that her eldest was eating his feelings and ignoring his hygiene. 

She did nothing to prepare my SSnow18 for adulthood. He was PASed out for 2.5 years and I think she planned that he would stick around to be another man in the house to pay her bills. But the second he graduated (by the skin of his teeth) he moved in with us.

Now, we have the distinct pleasure of trying to teach a grown ass man that showering and washing clothes are important things in life. That's on top of trying to encourage him to have goals, a plan, a launch date...something resembling adulthood. Good times.

My theory is sort of along the lines of when a spouse “checks out” of their marriage pre-divorce.

In the same vain, I think some parents “check out” of properly parenting post-divorce/dissolution of the family unit. 

1-Their BM would much prefer that they stay babies forever.  They're easier to control that way.  It also means that they don't brush teeth, SD doesn't properly clean up her feminine supplies, and SS can't wipe off a countertop.

2-She has no standards for cleaning.  Her house has *always* been a pig sty, even when she was with DH.  Clean clothes piled on sofas with pets digging through them, dishes piled in the sink.  Dust, rubbish, and clutter everywhere.

3-DH was reluctant for quite awhile to correct them.  He was never a full Disney Dad, but he was more permissive than I was OK with.

Good question!

I think there are many factors... 

1. Some BMs have to be the center of the universe and their children NEED them!

2. Some like to blame the father and use that as an advantage.

3. Some are just lazy. 

4. And in many cases it is both parents! It is easier to just do for them to to teach them. 

I agree with "momjeans", I think in our case both SS11 parents have checked out. BM lost a bunch of weight and started acting half her age after the divorce, she gets to be "single" and free 50% of the time. She flat out tells us shes not going to nag him about homework, cleaning, showering, etc. My husband has turned into the classic "guilty parent" not wanting to discipline him because he doesn't want to always be yelling at him while he's with us. 

So basically SS does whatever he wants......

Why do we only blame moms for this? Both parents should be aware of and fully vested in teaching their children basic life skills.

In my opinion, it's not just BM, it's also DH. Both parents need to teach their children skills. In my case, BM and DH were both teenagers when they met and in their early 20's when they married and had kids. They had learned little skills themselves and were both trying to live together with conflicting personalities. Then, they divorced and were in a battle for their kids' affection, so neither were dealing with teaching their kids skills, but instead were coddling them to be the parent who was more loved. Blah, I say!

In addition, I tend to think the stepmothers on this site are sort of like me. I am sympathetic and empathetic. I like helping and caring for people and I'm good at it. I'm good at general daily tasks, like laundry and feeding myself and those around me. I am a bit of a martyr. This is the opposite of DH and BM. Both of them are spacey. They may not be intentionally selfish (though I am sure BM is selfish), but being in their own world rather than listening to their surroundings (ie. their children) causes them to not recognize things that go on in their household. I think DH grew up because he had to - he had kids, but BM did not. Still, they both struggle and I think it's both upbringing and personality.

intentionally hobbling your child's life skills results in ca$h prizes.  aka extended CS.