I am still having a hard time disengaging. I don't know how to just ignore it when all I want to do is beat people up! Good for you!

When I disengaged...it was a megshift from focusing on them all the time, to re-focusing on me. That is where I had learned how unhealthy it was for me to have allowed them into my personal space as much as I had. It allowed me the time to regain a new perspective on how toxic the culture they brought really was. It also afforded me the time to work on some deep issues of my own .

It was at that time, I was able to determine that I could no longer (for my own sake) entertain the madness in my life anymore. It was at that time I took a rest from all the drama, and began my journey to move forward and get on with my own life. That is where I put the stake in the ground and decided for myself no more. 27 years of this was far too long.

We have been put through all the things you read about from adults who have been pas'd by a Narcissistic mother their entire lives. They have embraced a legacy of hate and revenge. If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now...I never would have allowed the ex wife any exposure to my now family. Although I set up boundaries for her and cut off many of her manipulative and controlling behaviors from effecting us...she still had a sense of entitlement to my dh that stretched far beyond what was appropriate.

BM died 3 years ago, and her legacy to make his life a living hell still lives on through her children, and now the grandchildren. The only way to escape the clutches of someone else's baggage is to get away from it and prevent it from effecting your life, is by realizing it is THEIR baggage to deal with...not yours. Once I stopped picking it up, and taking the "bait" which takes on many forms...I was finally free. and my freedom did not depend on whether they change or not....that is not my problem.

The thing I didn't realize was, the ex's behaviors and attitudes of entitlement were so far out there beyond the "line"...That normal was never attained with her....I didn't learn about narcissism until I disengaged...The last 2 years of her life, we had nothing to do with her and kept her at bay...but the damage had already been done through her imposing constant trauma on me and my family..The mental and emotional abuse had already been far reaching into our lives....

The best thing for me was to disengage...I have no regrets regarding that decision...I have been able to move forward with my life and continue to work on myself and healing. I am now re designing a legacy for my own children and trying to be an example of what living free is supposed to look like...without the influence of step anything....anymore.

Rock solid are the boundaries now. i still love my step kids, but I do not tolerate their way of doing life in my home environment anymore. The fruit of it is nothing but division, hate and revenge...just like their mother... the brokenness was there long before i married my dh...and I have done nothing but try to help them for my entire married life...although it is a sad thing to witness what a badly handled divorce produced...I cannot and will not let it ruin my life or the life of my own children...

I think sometimes we get so caught up in the "Craziness of the Drama"...we do not see how serious this really is and how many lives suffer destruction because of it...

I can say that even though I have wasted so much time...I am thankful I still have the rest of my life to live out my purpose...These people are stuck dealing with a ton of baggage, and do not realize....how bad off they really are....

i am still married to my dh, but it has been rough...He still struggles with this way more than I do now. But, after 27 years of rejection and exclusionary treatment...He is starting to hear what they have been telling him our entire married life....and he is finally listening to what this really is. I guess when you are in it, it is so hard to look at it is true. That is why disengaging was not only necessary for me....but it saved my life...

The stigma attached to the title sm is so damaging...We buy in to the belief system that sm is the most important role in our lives. many of us try so hard to make it work...not realizing how broken the family is to begin with...i described it before as: "Like showing up in the final scene of the titanic...when the boat is already half sunk....and we show up with a bucket to try and help",,,

A lot of pressure is put on sm's to "fix it"...but the task is impossible because it was never ours to fix to begin with...I am so much more than this role of sm...and now that they are all adults...Their journey is their own...as is mine...I feel like I found me again and got my life back in the nick of time....not just by disengaging...but what i did while I was disengaged to work on me was crucial....

New mindset...new me...peace.