Before entering in a relationship with my Dh, almost 9 years ago, I had almost no experience with step families. My parents stayed together, all our extended family also, and at that time where I am from, divorce was very rare and none of the kids and grownups I knew had split families.
So here I am starting 9 years ago, trying to do the right thing and everything is so difficult and painful. I did not understand why I just could not muster the same kind of love for SD as I had for my own. When I felt genuine care for her, all it would take was for her to hurt my own, and my care seemed to shrink so quickly. We would have a good time, then something would go wrong and I was happy when she was gone to bm for a while. I thought I must not really be that good of a person if sometimes she just made me so mad for something that would not upset me much if my daughter did it. I did not know if her behavior was normal. Reading all the stories here on ST, is helping me heal, both from the pain that was inflicted on me and from my mistakes. I finally know that what I went through was pretty normal and that I am not alone in those feelings. Thankfully partly because of DH's support of my role as a stepmom, we got through (so far..) without losing relationships and other permanent damage.
My DH....so far I have only talked about the ways in which he has been a good dad and stepdad and how he has supported me. There is plenty of difficulty and pain in other areas of our relationship, believe me....but being here on ST has also helped me appreciate him more. I guess I took a lot for granted, but reading about other husbands I really appreciate that.....he is very secure in his love for his kids and did not compensate in weird ways, he did not go for my being disrespected, but also pointed out that I had to have an active part in demanding respect, he did not let SD put a wedge between us, even when she tried, he did not undermine. What I am also learning here is that actually I am guilty of some of the above with my daughter. I have tried to compensate for my mistakes with her and for her father losing his mind.
So as I read and heal and appreciate that we've been lucky , I also post , sometimes to point out what worked for us and what did not, and maybe to help someone not make my own mistakes.
I did resort to some petty behavior, when just hurt and exhausted , but I never felt it was really ok. Steptalk is also helping me trace how I came to do these things, not to make them ok, but to understand how I was pushed to those limits. Sometimes what we do is not really ok, but it is understandable.