Transition period
After months of suggesting she is leaving, BM has her lease up end of February. She sat down with SS5/6 today to explain she is leaving the state! Yay for us, but I know it will be hard on the boys. She said she will try to visit every 2-3 months. They just got used to having regular twice a month visits, even though she cancelled once this month and once in December.
So on to the topic at hand. For about the last month I have a real hard time adjusting to them coming back home. At their mom's, they talk loudly and yell. I am sensitive to sounds, and my FH knows this. When they come home, I ask him to tell them over and over to turn their voice down. He looks at me like I'm unreasonable. Often when they come home they are excited, like most kids. But for me, it's almost too much. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I want to hide in my room and be alone.
Another issue I've started being more aggressive rather than passive about is telling FH when he favors one son over the other or that he babies them. Increasingly over the last month SS5/6 have reverted back to baby talk by saying "tv" instead of "can I watch tv. Being a teacher, I reply, I don't know/understand what you are saying. FH instead responds with yes or no to them. When I hear them say that to them, I tell them to ask using big boy words. When the oldest is in trouble or dad needs to talk to him, SS6 hangs on him like a baby. Is it wrong that when I see this, I tap SS and say, stand up and look at daddy in his eyes, don't hang on him. But if SS5 was in trouble, FH would be distant from him while talking to SS. Also, SS6 is in kinder and, as a teacher, I know parents aren't supposed to walk their kids into school. I personally think this keeps them from maturing and being independent. FH doesn't understand why I make a big deal about it. So I fibbed one day and said school sent a note that no more parents can walk kids in, just drop off through car pool lane. SS6 also can't tie shoes or zip his coat, but SS5 can. I think it's because FH babies SS6, but I'm not about to say it like that! I do, however, if he let's SS6 do it on his own.
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"Sometimes I want to hide in
"Sometimes I want to hide in my room and be alone." Yeah, I actually do that. It's a good coping mechanism for me when I feel overwhelmed or everything's just too much. I've explained this to DH and he understands. I tell him it's not because I'm upset or angry at him or SD, but I just need a moment to myself. He used to get all worried about why I was suddenly just laying on the bed in our bedroom and he'd come in to check on me over and over, but now he's used to it. I figure whatever little technique you have for dealing with the step-parent role that works for you, just embrace it. If you need to hide in a room for a while, go for it. It's better for everyone in the end (just explain it to your DH so he doesn't worry that you're pissed off
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As for the baby talk, I do the same thing! SD is in her baby talk mode when she gets back from BM's, and when she tells me something in her baby voice I tell her "What was that? I don't speak baby." She usually cuts it right out. I'm a teacher too, and I while I don't know that much about early childhood development (I'm a high school teacher) I would say that the SS6 is behind and it's a good idea for him to do as much of his own tasks (ie. tying shoes) as possible. If your school has a counselor or development specialist, it might be a good idea to get him checked out. Not because I think that he's disabled but because DH might listen to someone else telling him not to baby SS even if he's not listening to you. Good luck!
Yes, SS6 already sees his
Yes, SS6 already sees his school counselor on a weekly or so basis to adjust to the divorce and school environment. I also think he is behind because FH does a lot for him. SS5 stays home with me during the day so I am able to teach him one on one. SS5 is completely aware of what to do when he finishes eating and doesn't expect me to clean after him. SS6 doesn't do that, and when we eat, not very often, in the living room on coffee table, FH tells him to go shower but I stop SS and remind him he needs to clean up after himself. I know it's a learning process for children. We start family therapy in a few weeks, and I am hoping some of this will come up.