when it's running on one of those wheel thingies.

This winter has been especially long for me. Since I live in Vermont, this is about the time of the winter that I'm dying for spring! Unfortunately, I live in Vermont & spring is at least another month away. (And then it's really all about MUD for a while, but I'll take that over snow & ice!) This year in particular is tough because my husband & I are on the verge of so many things. We're looking to buy a house, but there's not much on the market right now, so we're waiting for the market to open up a bit this spring. We'd like to start a family of our own & have been "working" on that, but honestly since it hasn't happened yet, it would be better to be in a house first anyway. We're dying to have animal companions...especially dogs...and we can't have them in our apartment, so we've spent years waiting for that. And we can't wait to have our own yard, a garden, compost...our own SPACE! Then there's our current issue with BM...

All of the crap my husband & I have been going through has been taking its toll on me. I've taken several days off of work due to stress & headaches. (Today is another one!) I am having a difficult time concentrating at work & having motivation to get routine work done at home. I often feel like crying & sometimes do (sometimes, unfortunately, at work). I desperately need to get out of the house to do something FUN, but there's either a lack of money, a lack of time or miserable weather keeping me from doing so. I'm planning on getting out this coming weekend if the weather permits. (Where I live, it's about a half hour drive to shopping & stuff to do. The town I live in has the basics, but that's it!) I can find stuff to do around the house to keep busy, that's not the problem. I just need to get out & have some ME time!

Anyway, dealing with BM trying to get full custody of SD8 has been consuming way too much of my time & energy. My husband & I spent most of this past weekend writing our response to the affidavit. We've spent a lot of the last few days venting about the whole thing, too, which has actually helped drudge up ammo to use against BM. All good. I dragged out calendars from the last 4 years to look at a few specific dates (thank God I'm so anal retentive in some ways!) & quickly remembered how bad things were for a very long time with BM using us. A wonderful example: June 2007. There were 30 days in that month & BM only had "her girls" 9 of those days. Why? Parties, concerts, trips, etc. were obviously more important than being with her children. And custody is supposed to be 50/50?! And all of a sudden, BM wants SD8 full-time? Yeah, I see that working! I can guarantee that if BM has SD8 full-time, SD8 will either be spending lots of time with BM's parents or even worse, home alone with FSD11. BM has not changed one bit, meaning her social life is still #1. I am afraid of what is going to happen to those girls.

My husband & I also came to the conclusion that if we lose in court & BM does get SD8 full-time, we wouldn't fight it. We don't have enough money & also, if we lose once, we don't think fighting is going to accomplish anything. We will, however, keep a closer eye on BM & make sure that SD8 is being properly taken care of. If that becomes an issue, we will reopen custody & fight...but we're going to have to have lots to back up our claims against BM. And a good, dirty lawyer. And if BM does win, she's definitely in for a rude awakening. We're willing to bet that BM thinks us having SD8 every other weekend will mean that we'll be desperate for time with her. In other words, BM is probably thinking that when she needs a baby-sitter, she'll be able to ask us like she used to & that we'll jump at the chance to see SD8. Not so! My husband wants to strictly follow whatever the court document states. So if BM wants him to have SD8 every other weekend, that's when we will have her. If BM starts asking for more than that, my husband will suggest changing custody to every other week again.

I was also pissed off yesterday after reading the document from the mediator. BM & my husband met with this guy back in the beginning of December, but just barely received the document from him. The holiday schedule they drew up was not what my husband was stating in mediation; it's obvious that the mediator made up his own schedule using what BM wanted. What kind of mediation is that?! There was no compromise made. This holiday schedule INCREASES having to deal with BM. My husband has made it pretty damn clear that he wants to deal with BM as little as possible. Also, when I read this document, I wondered if this guy was a real mediator because it was written really poorly. (He supposedly is on our state's mediation board.) My husband did not agree to what's in that document & he will not sign it, so it's not valid. I wonder if that's going to become an issue. Though I guess they agreed to try mediation before court & they did TRY it. Mediation with BM is pointless because she doesn't back down. That holiday schedule that BM wants is completely f*cked up! It pretty much insures that my husband will have to deal directly with BM for every damn holiday, often ON that holiday. It's insane. Also, the summer schedule she wants also states "frequent contact between parents". Why?! There is no need for this. BM obviously wants MORE contact with my husband. She is desperate for his attention. Since they do not get along, this is incredibly stressful.

This past weekend did have some positive notes. Saturday evening we spent time with my family, ate homemade pizza & watched a bad, but funny movie. Then last night, my husband called his father (at my prompting) to tell him about the custody issue. My FIL said the same things that we've been saying, so it was good to hear that. He knows the situation & he knows that we're in the right, so we just have to continue to be honest & do what we do. If a judge still sides with BM, so be it. My FIL also stated that last summer when they came up to visit, having FSD11 around (at that point still living with us every other week) made everyone miserable. It was good to hear that he saw the things that we've been seeing.

I know things will get better soon. The custody issue will be straightened out in one way or another. Many of our goals & dreams will happen in time....it's just this waiting that sucks!!!