Can you say PAS?!?!
OK, I have to rant this morning because this has been a rough week! All week, SD8 has been rather short & defiant with me. Funny that I'm saying "defiant" since that's one of the words BM used to describe SD8 in her affidavit when she was trying to get full custody. Anyway...SD8 has always been stubborn & somewhat defiant...that's a given with this kid. But this week seems especially bad.
It seems like every thing I ask or tell her to do, she ignores. She acts like it's a suggestion rather than an order. (This is why I've stopped ASKING her to do things. My husband said I have to TELL her otherwise I'm being too nice & she won't listen. My husband usually has to YELL to get her to listen.) So all week, I've gotten nothing but attitude from this kid. I've gotten eye rolling when I ask her if she's done something we told her to do (homework, hygiene, etc.). And when I tell her to do something, she talks back. I'm sorry, but I was brought up to RESPECT adults. I wasn't allowed to talk back without being punished. SD8 gets away with this way too much. If my husband hears the back talk, he will punish her, so SD8 makes sure to do it when he's not around. Depending on the situation, I may punish SD8 for acting this way, but I've been too lax on this lately. I think it's because I wonder if I'm too strict about this. I don't want my husband to think that all I do is complain about his daughter, you know?
Also, this behavior is similar to former SD11's, which ultimately led to her not living with us anymore. Obviously, this isn't going to happen with SD8 because she is my husband's daughter. BUT I'm worried that BM is working on alienating SD8 next. (Actually, I'm sure she's been trying to do this for a while now, but is probably stepping it up because of possible future custody issues.) The most alarming part of this is SD8 ignoring what I have to say & talking back because this is how former SD11 treated me. I'm not sure if BM is telling her that she doesn't have to obey me because I'm not her mother OR if it's just because SD8 has no boundaries at BM's house. But that latter has never been a big issue in the past. SD8 has always been able to adjust between the 2 extremes.
Another thing that makes me think of PAS...once BM started the whole custody issue, she started doing things out of the norm. For several weeks, BM put "I love you" notes in SD8's backpack (never had done that before). BM got a kitten for SD8 (but not one for former SD11, who also loves cats) and stressed to SD8 that it was SD8's cat. Last week, BM gave SD8 money to order books from the school book club (something BM has never done before; she always tells SD8 to ask us to buy them). So it's funny how all of a sudden BM is doing this stuff. What a coincidence!
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Comments
Yes, BM is playing it up for
Yes, BM is playing it up for the future court dates. In my experience the only thing you can do is give the children your love and attention and continue being a responsible parent. That doesn't mean you have to make sure they follow all the rules all the time, they do need some down time to be themselves and to play. But it means that you will have to punish her when the times call for it. It's the only way to raise a child to become a responsible adult.
One of the most important things a judge will look at is the stability of life that has been provided for a child. How are the child's grades, health, that sort of thing. If you can prove that she is being provided for in a nurturing environment then that's what's most important.
Once she reaches about 12 years of age though then most judges takes the childs opinion into consideration as well. Hopefully, by then she'll know who is the better parent.
I agree, Lulubelle...
Despite how I probably come off on here in my blogs, I'm a fairly laid back type of person. (Those of you who make it through my long posts "see" me at my worst....usually when I need to vent!) My husband & I are both this way. We're not super strict, don't have tons of rules, etc. But when we tell SD8 to do something, we expect her to do it. I know kids sometimes like to push the limits, but when it's constant, it gets old really fast. And we don't ask much! SD8 has it pretty easy. We keep telling her to enjoy how easy she has it now because once we get a house, she's going to have chores to do! She thinks we're kidding, but we will give her work to do because she needs to learn this type of stuff. Even though BM doesn't have rules, SD8 has way more responsibility there because she's forced into being more self-sufficient.
And if we end up in court, you'd better believe the stability issue will come up!
One other thing I did with
One other thing I did with my skids and it really really worked! Was I created a chore list suitable for their ages and I put it on the refrigerator. I made a calendar and checked off each day that they completed their chores to my satisfaction. At the end of the week they would get a reward. I made little certificates that said, "one day off from doing chores", "1 free snack from store", "1 toy $5 or under from store", or you can give a small allowance.
I started this when I first moved in 7 years ago and now that the kids are older and their chore lists have changed for their ages we provide a basic allowance. These kids never complain and do their chores every day. To them it's just natural to have that responsibility.
And it really helps me!