I just wanted to say thank you to all who responded to my posts. I honestly do appreciate all the different views on the subject. I also want to apologize to anyone I may have offended. It wasn't until I lay in bed last night that I started to think how much I was bothered by the subject. And usually, if something bothers me there is more behind it than I care to see at first.

The more I thought about it, the more I can see how some of what bothers me is because I am so upset about loosing the ground BM and I gained and I'm mourning the loss of the accepting and respectful relationship BM and I had made just last year. I like to think that I have been open minded and accomodating to BM and any requests she had about SD because I want her approval so much, then here I am on this issue, digging in my heels. And it's really not like me. Do you think I can blame it a little on the pregnancy and feeling a little territorial?

I'm mad. I don't think it's fair to me, and more importantly to SD, that BM yank away a title that SD herself gave me and BM accepted and encouraged up until now. I do feel I have earned it. And I feel that BM is acting childish and thowing a fit and using her superiority over me in her power as bio mom because she's mad she's not getting her way in court. And I don't believe in rewarding childish temper tantrums.

Colorado Girl, I think you may have hit the nail on the head about the way it is approached. I think you're so right that I would not have gotten my feathers ruffled if BM had come to me respectfully and explained it to me in terms of her feelings. I can disagree with her motives, but not her feelings. And also about the lack of maturity, I should know better than to expect more from her by now.

To answer the question you asked Cruella, about how I would feel if my baby were to call another woman Ma, Mama, Mommy. I guess I can only approach this issue from that of a step-mom first, then a bio mom. So my first response is that because I know how much a step-parent can love and care for a step-child, if the other woman was kind and loving and respectful to me both in person and when talking to my child, I would be okay with it. I know the bond I have with my mom, and I anticipate sharing the same bond with my baby, and I just don't feel that could ever be threatened. Like I said in the previous post though, I promise if my feelings change I will admit it.

You did get me thinking about the future, and I will prepare for the day SD is old enough to understand the difference between mom and step-mom and makes the decision to call me by name. That I promise to never make her feel guilty for and to respect her decision. I would be kidding myself if I said I won't be heartbroken, but I am the adult and it is her feelings I put first and will continue to do.

Georgia is so right about this being one of "those" issues that tends to polarize people who feel differently about it. But I think I can understand that the reason is not because there is a wrong or a right, it's because we all form our feelings and opinions based on our own experiences and that is just fine.

Steve, I really liked what you said,

Motherhood is BIOLOGICAL, MOMhood is EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL.
Fatherhood is BIOLOGICAL, DADhood is EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL.

I think I may have been raised like you, my family has a tendancy to "adopt" people. You don't have to be blood related to be mom, dad, uncle, aunt, cousin. And my aunts could always step into the "mom" role with us kids whenever the need arised without bio mom's feeling threatened at all. Many of my friends called my mom, "Mom" and it never bothered me.

I also agree with what zenmom said, "I can't see a middle ground here. The parent who pushes either way, forcing them to call a step parent mom or dad, or forcing them not to, guilting them either way, is not putting the child first."

Not to say I will not keep an open mind and see how this develops, I still just still can't feel comfortable participating in BM's demands right now, this is what I wrote earlier;

"I hurt to think what SD may think or feel if, at the time we are expecting her first and only sibling, BM, Dh and myself all began telling SD she was no longer allowed to call me "Ma", but her baby sister can. She's 3 and is going to have to learn to deal with sharing her home with us, her family, and the attention for the first time. Dh and I do not feel comfortable starting a new "rule" in our house that will set SD apart from us and her sister."

Colorado, you are right and I needed to read your question to remember to step back and take a breath to look at what really matters to me about all this. No, when you put it that way, the fight isn't worth it for me. But also to change something just because BM is suddenly bothered by it doesn't feel like the right thing either. What really matters to me is what it does to SD either way it goes. I do not want Sd to feel rejected by me.

I don't want BM to feel disrespected, but her feelings and needs have to come after SD's, otherwise Dh wouldn't be fighting her for custody because she does not feel anything was wrong with her mom beating her, living with her ex-fiancee and his mom, having the DWI and spraying someone in the face with pepper spray. BM says she should continue to have primary custody because none of that had anything to do with SD and could never affect her because she doesn't tell SD about it.

BM's actions and attitude speak loudly saying, "I can do what I want, when I want and it doesn't matter because I have others (Myself and DH included) that will take responsibility and care of my daughter for me."

I really feel that DH and I are doing the right thing in our situation. We agknowledge SD's comments and her feelings about what Mommy has said; we have instructed her to respect her mother's feelings and wishes by telling her to mind her mother and not stating Mommy is wrong, just that there can be differences in the two homes; we are honest with SD about BM being her bio mom by telling her she did not grow in my tummy, but in Bm's; and we have not taken action that could in any way make SD feel rejected by us because we are giving her a choice of what to call me when she is with us. It is our hope that if the pressure from BM does get too much for her, we have left the door open for her to stop calling me "Ma".

As zenmom said, it seems like putting pressure either way is not putting the child first. BM has put pressure on SD on her side, and DH and I are not partipating in the tug of war with her. We're staying neutral on the issue with SD in hopes she will see that her feelings on this issue are respected. To DH and I this is not, and should not be treated as a big life issue. Big issues are not to run into the street, don't talk to strangers, don't play with knives. I do realize to BM this is a big issue, but it is not life or death, SD is not in danger of being physically hurt, and as long as we are honest, not mentally or emotionally hurt either.

To step up honestly, I want to admit another thing I realized last night. I am also thinking of our soon to come baby in this and that does affect my feelings. I did not MAKE SD call me Ma, but now that she has most of her life I don't like the idea of her calling me Shelley and this baby copying her big sister. SD is living with us full time now and what will baby hear all day while daddy is at work? "Shelley". I don't want the separation that would be made from SD having to tell baby, "Your mama" this and "your mama" that.

Believe it or not, as crazy as Bm is sometimes and as awful as she has been to me at times, I have known for some time that the children DH and I would have together may call BM "Mommy" and her mother "Nana". I guess I just think how could a very young child not with big sister doing it. And out of respect for BM I have no intention of refering to her by her first name when speaking to SD just so the baby won't call her that too.

I respect Bm's role as SD's mother too much and care for SD far too much to begin playing mind games like that. I know in part I feel hurt by BM because she doesn't care to see that I have the option of refusing to refer to her as "Mommy", but choose to out of respect for Bm and love for SD.

I know baby will know I am her mama and one day will be old enough to understand who BM is. If she calls her "Mommy" until then, oh well. I don't believe it is worth the fight and possible hurt to SD to try to explain to baby, "No, you call her ______, she is not your mommy."

I had hoped that when the time came and Dh and I had a baby together it would bring BM and I closer together. I know I will have even more respect and understanding of her as a mother, and I had hoped that becoming a biological mother myself would make me more worthy of her respect as well. She has never failed to remind me when she is angry, "you can't know how I feel, you don't have a child." Well soon I will have a biological child and I hope she is not too dissapointed that I am not going to love her child any less.

In the fairytale land I have dreampt of since SD was born, BM and I live in harmony. We accept eachother as a permanent part of eachother's lives and work together for the children, both hers with Dh, and mine with DH, and even any future children she may have with someone else. And if she was willing to be as kind and loving to my children as I am to hers, we can be Mama and Mommy together.

I'm not letting go of that dream. BM and her mother came to SD's b-day party last year and it was wonderful. BM invited me to the little party they had for SD at her mom's too, and BM even came over to help set up for SD's party with us. It wasn't until after the party that I realized that Bm sat back with a video camera and watched as I sat in the middle of the action helping HER daughter open her presents, I was being the mom right in front of her, and BM seemed to be unaffected and even happy during the entire event. BM and I shared a chair and ate birthday cake together in my home. She can be the mom I believe she should be, I've seen it.

BM and I are very different in some ways, but when we have put forth the effort to share in our common ground, the biggest of which is our love for Haylie, with respect to step or bio love, we have been successful and SD has fourished. It can be that again, and that is what I hold on to.

And poor Dh, stuck in the middle of us emotional women, with a little time will be as he always has, wonderful and accepting, taking it all in stride and doing what is best for his family. All of us.

THanks again everyone for the wonderful posts, I enjoy reading from all of you.