wtf am i doing?
seriously, im not married yet, i have a lot to offer, and im still in my twenties. wtf am i doing spending my precious time, and energy on all of this? i love my fh very much, even with all that goes on we still are in love very much. For the most part he always puts me first, considers my feelings, and every day tries to make me happy.
But everyday, i come to work and sit and think about, WHY ME? why am i dealing with some one elses mistake, why do i have to deal with a pissy fh because his ex called to give him an ear full? i didnt knock her ugly a** up! Why am i dealing with the drama?
im sorry that this is such a negative blog, but i seriously dont know what to do. The wedding is 2 months away, and i love my fh husband more than i will ever love any one, and some how im still miserable.
yesterday, after the "my wife lets me ex get to her" i talked to fh, and said you know she was never happy before and what makes you think you can keep her happy now? you and i need bm free time, and i would really appreciate it if from now on, unless its the two times a day you 2 call to talk to ss, please dont answer your phone. let it go to vm and see what she has to say, and if its just her being drama, dont call back so that way it doesnt upset you and effect our life. The one emergency there was, you didnt answer because we were sleeping and everything was fine. There was a huge argument in between all this conversation, and a couple of times, he said, why doenst any one care about me (him) being happy? i have to keep everyone happy, you, my ex, my son. Which sent me off the deep end. why in the world do you care at all about keeping your ex happy, as long as you care for your son and do what you need to where he is concerned, i am the only woman as your soon to be wife that needs to be kept happy. Did she care about your happiness when she cheated and divorced you? Yet this is the woman who continually does crappy things yet calls to ask where i got ss bday cake, or where the nearest dippin dots is, or can she have our left over bday party supplies. Like an idiot he answers the phone every time and everytime gives her an answer, instead of saying hey idiot, call your bf, or go on google, im not your phone book like i think he should considering that at any point she wants she treats him like crap!
so, last night, my mom asks fh about monday, because fh has to work and we have ss. he looks at me and says, oh bm is keeping him. i was furious, fh and i had already discussed that i was keeping him and i was making plans accordingly. He looks at me and says, what smnikki she IS his mother, i cant keep him from her. I saw red, and i swear steam was coming from my ears! so because im not the parent, im chop liver? to me this is a matter of him not involving me in a decision that effects me. he claims that he jumped at the chance for her to keep him because he knows im working all weekend and wanted me to have a day off to go and do as i pleased. Which actually was very nice, and i know that he truly did think of me, yet rather than be happy that fh thought of giving me a day off, i didnt care i feel like by his "she is his mother comment" it completely negates the nice motive, and simply becomes an issue of him not involving his partner in a decision.
am i being un reasonable. do i care about my time with ss too much? should i just look the other way on these type of situations with ss, and gladly take my day off?
im freaking out that the wedding is in 2 months and i have become this angry, controlling, bitter person, that feels the need to go in to battle every time i feel ive been stepped on in the slightest. Usually, i am a happy, fun, life of the party type of person. I cant stand having nothing but drama to discuss with my friends these days, i feel like such an idiot. However, i still am in love with my fh, and still want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. how do i let go of these things and just know that my fh will continue to put me first, and anything he does is not intentionally to upset me?
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I understand
the feeling of knowing he was doing something nice but still being ticked that you were left out of the loop. It's very frustrating and it makes you feel like you are being bitchy- but you really aren't, we can have simultaneous and competing emotions.
I hope you can get to a point of peace and get something worked out with him that works for you as much as for him. This should be a happy, exhilarating, exciting time for you!
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards
i feel for you...
I encourage you to buy the single girls guide to marrying him,his kids,and his ex. I think the authors last name is Bjorn...I also think someone else on the site suggested this book at some point I apologize for not being able to give them full credit but it's a great book. Honestly, the only thing that is going to help you stay sane is by having an open line of communication with FH and his ex. Easier said than done as all of us know. You have to go into this marriage remembering that you're not going to be his first priority...his child is going to be #1 as he rightly should be. If you can't live with being second to him then the marriage won't work. As far as caring about time with SS too much...that's impossible. It's good to care but try not to let these little disapointments make you numb to him and your FH. I wish I had someone to point me in the right direction when I was marrying my DH. Unfortunately, i didn't and the bitterness doesn't go away hon, it sticks around and consumes you if you let it. Get help right away. Don't wait til after the wedding. Find a really good therapist, not a mediator...an actual therapist. It may also be helpful to involve the BM in these sessions since she'll be around for duration of your marriage.
Again, all these things are easier said than done..if they were easy this site wouldn't exist. But all you can do is try...I didn't try at the beginning, now I'm dragging myself out of an angry,bitter hole. I'm always bitching and venting for a release but along with venting we're doing the therapy and it isn't an overnight fix but it will work eventually! GOOD LUCK and when you feel hopeless...google baby animal pictures for a smile:) lol, sounds kooky but I did it this a.m and was smiling in no time.
~I've been drinkin down your pain...gonna turn that whiskey into rain and wash you away...~
No you are dead right.
He should not give a crap if BM is happy or not. He needs to focus on making you happy. No other woman in the world should matter but his wife.
I feel like the husband and wife should put each other #1. Theres no family if the core isn't in tact. Step or not.
~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~
I totally totally totally agree here....
We used to try to keep BM happy so her stinky attitude wouldn't affect the kids. The problem was that she would be stink anyway and so the kids hear her crap no matter what. It started to affect our marriage and in seeing that we said F-IT!!! We don't acre what she does with the kids or to the kids when they are with her because we know e always do the right thing. They can see EVERYTHING!!!! Kids are not stupid, they know what really goes on and if their mom is manipulative they catch on real quick and if she tells them we are crazy or drunks or whatever-they know different. Now, this may be easier for me than for you because we have full custody. BM only sees the kids 2 days a week if that. Just try o keep in mind that if your marriage is suffering before it begins, it may only get worse. iw ould try to sit down with FH and explain all of your feelings and fears with him-he has a right to know and maybe you two could settle some things before the big day.
"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."
we just
had a great talk...which went really well
he explained that the only reason he tries to keep her happy is to not get taken to court and drag ss through it. I explained, how is that working for you?
he realized that in fact its not, no matter how nice he is she still gives him crap, which is making our home un happy and him un happy, if she is going to take him to court shes gonna do it regardless. From now on there are no more answering of phone calls except for ss to talk to parent hes not with, and emergencies.
ALL schedule changes will be run by me first!
he really is an amazing guy who truly tries to make me happy! i look forward to seeing how things go now
That's great!
It's good that he was receptive to what you had to say! Here comes the bride.....
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards
Something else to consider...
When you talk to them about this stuff now... doesn't necessarily mean things will be different. I tried to talk to my DH about that stuff before marriage as well and he always just shook his head and agreed that things should be different, and now five years later, things are exactly the same if not worse.
And, now five years later, I'm leaving and he is again trying to be nice and agree that things should change.
Not surprisingly when a man thinks his house is burning down, he will promise the moon to extinguish the fire, but when the flames have all been put out, you may realize you are still waiting for the moon.
Step back for some time and see if things really do change the way he promised, and if you love him, it won't matter whether the wedding is in two months or two years as long as you are both happy with the results.
I've heard the "I have to keep ex happy" line so many times
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
H does whatever she suggests. Or maybe they just scheme together and I don't know about it...like the overdone wedding like graduation party. His excuse?
I have to keep the ex happy, or she'll take me to court for more c/s. Well, ya know what? His c/s is not going to run my life. Nor is his ex. Nor is his D.
I know you love the guy, but think this thru very very carefully. Things that are a problem before marriage tend to become bigger after marriage; he has his way of looking at things, and only he can change that.
Hon, if you're unhappy now, a ring will not improve it for you.