what would you think? FH text to BM

im curious how you would feel. fh says that im over reacting and i cant figure out how to put in to words that what he did needs to NEVER happen again

so last night fh and i have some beers with the neighbors and then i came home to do some stuff. FH comes home and proceeds to continue to drink. At 1230am he comes in to give ma a kiss (im still doing something--not asleep) and says that he has text stupid shit to tell her basically that..shes stupid.

back story--bm allows ss to act like a complete idiot at tball and does not make him behave as part of the team. SS has picked up the habit of spiting thanks to bm's bf, and also peeing where ever whenever (like potted plants! gross! right?) Things have been pretty peaceful but all in all this woman is just a crappy mother, and she blames all things ss does on fh. Yesterday her dumb azz locked he keys in the car with it running after tball. ss was with her, and she began to call repeatedly on fh's cell. he ignored her. She had her brother with her so she wasnt alone, she had a phone to call the appropriate people to open her car, and her brother was already on his way to get her 2nd keys, right up the street! as we left fil's house (right next to park) she saw us getting in the car and called again. fh answered and said, "why are you calling me, call your bf, this is not my issue" she hung up

so here are the text:

1. why do you always blame me for issues with ss? i am a good father and im sick of you blaming me

2. ive tried being nice with you and im sick of it. im not your rock, im tired of you being like a party im not invited

everything was misspelled, and the last one does not make sense to me. He says he was trying to say that he isnt her go to person anymore, and to stop calling him when she always acts like her life is so great when she want s to be a beotch.

my issue, i look like a fool! why is my fh texting her at 1230 at night about something stupid her dense azz has never understood before? he was drunk though, and frustrated with how she allows ss to behave, and told me right away like he had no clue there was any wrong doing.

am i over reacting? was he just being a guy that had been drinking and wasnt thinking?

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I don't like it

I would be upset too. My BF & the BM argue quite a bit. I feel like screaming "I'M THE ONLY PERSON YOU SHOULD BE ARGUING WITH!!!" It says something if they are constantly bickering. Why did they get a divorce if they still planned on continuing a bad relationship anyways.

This is how I feel typical conversations should go when issues arise:

BM: can you take the boys extra time because I need to pick up a shift?

My BF: sure, but I already have them 50% of the time so we need to make an agreement that I will not pay you CS while I am keeping them more than 50% since I already am paying you what an EOW father would and as it is, I have them EW with an extra day added in because you needed to work that day too.

BM: NO! I pay for ??? and ???? I need that money!

My BF: Well, then I'm really sorry that I cannot help you. I'll talk to you later.

(no screaming, no yelling, no driving over to the other's to "talk"/argue)

for the most part...

fh has eliminated arguing with bm.

you hit the nail on the head though with "im the only one you should argue with"....i also add to that, im the only one who should mean enough for you to put the energy in to arguing.

SMNikki

I think he was drunk and frustrated. Never a good combination. I wouldn't want it to happen again... not because it's contact with the BM... but because he needs to be more careful what he says - in writing - to the BM. But as far as him arguing with her, or whatever... that's going to happen. They share a child and do not share the opinion on the proper way to raise the child. So, unfortunately, that part won't stop. Don't be worried about it, and I hope you don't feel jealous about it. It really doesn't mean that he cares about her. It sounds to me that it means that he is reaching the breaking point of her antics. It sounds to me that he is feeling sad about the way he's being portrayed as a father. It sounds to me he's tired of having to "fix" everything. If you can, please try not not add more stress, and be one more thing he has to "fix". Does that make sense?

yes it all makes very much sense!!

thank you! im not jealous at all. i know that he truly despises her, and regrets ever meeting her. what you said really hit home so to speak...this is what i think he was trying to explain to me but couldnt find the words

also, i too was most concerned with the fact that he was doing something that when she does it to us we document it as harassment. i told him today, if he does it to her then what good is it when/if we get taken to court!

the blessing that i didnt mention...bm has no job and cant afford a new phone, her text messaging is not working or her screen is broke or something so she doesn't even know about them!

good advice!

I was totally thinking of a different response but you actually turned my thought around. Great advice that I can benefit from too! Thx!

I told DH not to talk to ex anymore

In my opinion, as long as they are fighting about stupid @#$# like that, they are still engaged on some level. Not in a sexual way. What I am saying is, he is feeding the fire. It keeps the relationship going. The best thing to do is ignore her. I think BM does this to get his attention and keep the relationship going.

I told my DH, I do not like it that we are eating dinner and she calls screaming over something stupid. For example, he told SD16 she can't go to a night club with a 19 year old. Hello? They were playing music with lyrics that say "I am an antisocial MFing cop killer. I smack my Bitch whe she gets out of line. etc."

BM calls howling so loud I can hear what she is saying. Her logic "let SD16 learn by her own mistakes." How can you co-parent with someone like this?

I told him, our dinner and other activities are ruined by these stupid calls. I cannot live like this. How dare she disrupt our happy home. We both love peace and quiet. He doesn't take drama queens calls anymore.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

I agree. It does keep them

I agree. It does keep them engaged, sometimes it is required. But with a crazy BM like ours I totally understand.

And the texts certainly make him look foolish. If I were him I would act like he doesn't even remember sending them!

I have to respectfully disagree

I have to respectfully disagree about DH not talking to Ex. During dinner? Fine, don't take the call during dinner. But any other time, including if it's an emergency at work... whatever.

How can you CO-PARENT, if you restrict the communication, or worse, cut it off?

It just becomes a power-struggle, tug of war. Who does DH talk to? Who can he talk to? Who can he talk to about his kids? Not some stepmoms... not their problem, they want to disengage. Not his BM... she's his ex.. he shouldn't continue the relationship. If he speaks civilly to BM, it's can become, why are they getting along so well. If he doesn't, his children can and will suffer. Damned if he does. Damned if he doesn't.

I agree with you. Although I

I agree with you. Although I used to think other wise. It is easy and not dire to speak with the ex when the child is young. You can send letters about sicknesses or whatever. BUT now that my SD is older, I would say since she was 7ish, we have to speak to BM. SD uses the no communication to her advantage. She lies to both sides, she manipulates the situation etc.

Now that I text BM if what SD does is questionable SD and I have a better relationship.

SD says to me " I though you and BM hate each other. why are you texting her now"

Me " we don't like each other but we don't need to. We are both your mom we need to work together. As you get older we work as a team to be sure you grow up to be a good person."

SD "oh. o.k. "

She hasn't lied to me since. And I know becuz I check it out.

there in no co-parenting going on here!

Sometimes cutting communication is the only option. Our bm has made it clear that no attempts of ours are going to create an environment of effective co-parenting. its her way or her way, and fh and i will not allow ss to behave that way.

there is no co-parenting going on here!

We don't co parent either.

We don't co parent either. Every attempt to do so has been thrown back at us. We have my two ss's all the time, though. They only see Bm EOWE- she doesn't even call- EVER- to speak with them, and when they call her to see if they can visit she invariably says no. So- I have learnt to not stress over what happens on those weekends. If they stay up til two in the morning on a school night- I put them to bed early when they come home. If they eat rubbish all weekend, that's ok. I make sure they have vegetables when they come home. I think co-parenting CAN be a great thing, but it's also unrealistic to expect it to happen in every situation.

Stick- I think you're right on one level- Bioparents need to have the freedom to talk about their KIDS. But if BM is abusing that, then I can see why smnikki is a little upset.

A Drunk mind speak a sober

A Drunk mind speak a sober tongue! It would bother me that in his state of having a buzzz that he thinks to bug or text his ex...imo not a good sign, almost like there are unresolved feelings involved and he felt like releasing those feelings with liquid courage.

Whateva

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what would you think? FH text to BM

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