SS is drowning, hes so far behind, i feel like im the only one trying to do something!
we had ss with us last night. this last weekend i was at target and had found some preK activity books, flash cards, and an alphabet puzzle. I have been trying to explain where ss4 really should be at in his learning, and DH is in complete denial about how far behind ss is. As well as the fact that ss has almost no ability to focus on anything! So last night after dinner, i begin working with ss, he is SO excited to learn, but you can tell he is clearly not grasping what it is that he is supposed to be learning. Honestly i think he was just happy to have the un divided attention. My dh usually multi tasks with playing with ss and watching what ever sport is on tv, and ss notices! Dont get me wrong, my DH is a great father, thats part of what i love about him so much, but i have started to think that he is having issues relating and bonding with ss now that ss is getting older. I think that dh is easily frustrated with ss, and does not know how to get ss to focus and spend quality time together
Anyways, i start doing the puzzle with him hoping to build a foundation that he can actually recognize letters. my ss at this point does not even know the difference between letters and numbers. we do the puzzle twice and dh comes over because he can hear that really ss is just not getting it. He tries to get ss to say not sing the alphabet and he cant get past D. When we get to E, he starts guessing...L, G, C, 9?! I could see the frustration and heartbreak in DH's eyes, realizing that in fact ss is very far behind.
DH is still burring his head in the ground at this point. He feels with out the effort of bm, all his and my efforts are a lost cause. I honestly feel like he doesn't know what to do, doesn't want to take full responsibility for getting ss help, and feels like all im doing is nagging him. His mother NEVER encouraged learning and seeking professional help for issues. I know that my ss in drowning and his parents are doing nothing. DH and i are not professional care givers or educators, and I dont know what to do to help ss. He really does do and say some amazing things that make you stand back and say wow! that kid is really smart! His memory is amazing when it comes to events and places, but with things like the alphabet he just is struggling so much!
I pray though that last night will some how wake up my dh and make him realize that he NEEDS and HAS to do something for ss! At this point though i feel like, Why the heck am i the only one trying to help ss? Why after working a full day, driving in traffic for an hour, picking up dinner, picking up the kitchen, Im the one sitting down with ss to practice the freaking alphabet?
I did come in to the living room this morning to find dh and ss going over the flash cards!! I was so happy!! but 5 minutes in to it, ss was frustrated, dh was too, and something happened where there was loud talking and ss was in his room slamming the door!
Any advice?
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maybe
when it comes to working on stuff like that, DH should join some sort of support group to get more patience with his son. Maybe have ss tested for a learning disability? I'm sure that's probably out of the question for your dh though if he has been ignoring the problem. If he hasn't started school yet, once he does start DH will have a rude awakening. I know it's hard but I'd just keep working with him whenever you can and let the teachers show DH that his child is behind and needs to be tested. Maybe then he'll listen.
On the positive though, it is REALLY a good sign that he was working with the child on the flashcards without being asked...even if it ended up in a frustrating tiff...it's a good start I think.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
I hoping
that when ss starts school, bm and dh will have to face the facts! Im sure they will do testing. A friend of mine who has been through court stuff told me that all dh has to do is request an evaluation for all parties and they will go to hers and our home to evaluate ss, and also some one on one counseling! Im keeping my fingers crossed! Im not giving up either! How can i expect ss to know this stuff when no one has taken the time to try and teach him!--thanks bbb
You're on the right track
to start SS early in learning. We got SS full-time when he was 8 years old and in the 2nd grade, BM kept saying that SS was slow and needed to be held back since he couldn't read or do basic math.
After having him for just 6 months he was reading and doing basic math. If BM had spent the time working with her son and not having him miss so much school he would have been on track from the begining.
I know you guys don't have primary custody but any help you can give him is better then nothing.
thats my attitude!
something is better than nothing...
my ss's bm keeps him home from day care as well, and although they are not as much in to learning as i think they should be, its still something. Instead, bm keeps him home so she doesn't have to use the child care money from us and can make her car payment. Then ss just sits at home and plays video games, while she does who know what.....oh yeah, drink beer
Bless your heart
Keep doing all you can to help the kid. Once you fall behind it is SO HARD to catch back up. He is going to need SUPPORT! All you can do is keep pushing the issue with DH. Any help is better than no help so if BM isn't pulling her share of the cart it is vital that you guys do what you can.
I hope things get easier for your SS and DH wizes up. He needs to riding BM's case also.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.
Keep doing whatever you can.
Keep doing whatever you can. I had to do this at age 6, almost turning 7. I was mortified. When I went to my then boyfriend (now husband) and told him that his son was behind, he teared up and said he was failing as a parent, I think he was embarrassed. At that time we didn't have sole custody of his son yet, we only had him on the weekends. I would make his son do flashcards, the alphabet song, read, ect when he came over. I remember while I would babysit him he would scream and cry, he did not want to read (I think it was because he was embarrassed and realized what other kids his age could do). It was horrible, there was always an argument and crying and screaming. We also set up a rewards system for reading (If you read a whole book you get 1 point, then we had rewards for different point values, and we didn't reward him if he acted a fool with the crying and screaming). I also remember last year my 8 year old stepson thanking me for teaching him how to read. It is hard but stick with it, he'll get it.
Don't Start That!
I might just be a bitter old hag, and believe me, it's not a fun feeling, but please don't martyr yourself for SS.
Speaking from experience, NO ONE will appreciate it. You might be able to tell from my screen name, that I have become everyone's favorite enemy since I jumped in to help SS8 from the time HE was 4! We have full custody, so I've had to really be involved more than it sounds like you may have to be? It started out that he was terribly, tragically, behind with all areas of development, social, education, etc. He was WAY WAY overweight too. I insisted that he go to headstart so he could begin to catch up, started watching what he was eating, and began trying (after work and on days off) to help him with the things I could. I was the one taking him to head start every day, working with his teachers, discussing behavior modification, trying to help his family see that his eating wasn't healthy for him, etc. It was a complete uphill climb. Before he started kindergarten, I did research to try to figure out why he was so wild and I was able to figure out that he had really bad ADHD (which is also sometimes linked to learning problems because of focus) Of course, BF felt like I was trying to find flaws in his son, I think, and I also believe he saw himself in that diagnosis too, and didn't want to admit it. So, he ignored it until SS started KG and within the first week was suspended for choking a kid among other things. THEN, he finally got him diagnosed by the Doctor. BF's parents still think it's a big joke, this diagnosis, and try to tell BF we should go for a month without giving him his meds. To his credit, BF says "OK, if he's going to be living with you!" They also fight with us over time outs, groundings, listening to his teachers (whom FMIL says "must have it in for him") I can't begin to tell you how much grief I've had over trying to stand in for this kid, and he can't stand me for it. To him, I'm just the person between him and his third hamburger, a box of doughnuts, and ordering around full grown people like they're his minions.
Finally, after all this time, I'm seeing so clearly that I should have held his "real" parents (as he says) to a higher standard. And I should have been more aggressivly seeking out information from the WHOLE family as to their parenting style and parenting roles before I became involved with a ready made family. SS8, is finally slender and still fits the same clothes he wore at 4 when I met him, but hates me for interfering and being the only one holding him accountable.
IMO, you should just give his daddy gentle encouragement to help, and let him handle the burden. Leave well enough alone.