In searching for answers to my questions, I found this website. I am new to the "stepparent" role and face new and challenging obstacles on a daily basis. Hopefully, this site can shed light on some of the problems I encounter. Here's hoping.

I live with my daughter (16) and my boyfriend of two years (who also has a daughter (15) who lives with her mom most of time. We bought a new home (with the blessing of both daughtes) and each daughter has their own rooms. Before we moved in to the house, they were all for it. Now, almost a year later, we have complete disharmony.

My daughter is jealous of having to share me with my boyfriend. My boyfriend's daughter has come to the house since our last blow out with my boyfriend's daughter, her biological mother, who is trying to control both households by setting all her rules and allowing her daughter to be disrespectful of our house, her father, our rules and to me. Although our relationship is strong, it has become very tough because of the girls. We try to keep moving forward, but without his daughter visitng and my daughter being silently (but subtly showing jealousy), it makes for a very stressful household.

I finally told my boyfriend that I am not willing to include his exwife in our family functions (i.e., letting her into our house to celebrate my daughter's birthday and having her for dinner on a few occasions). I am no longer willing to try and make his daughter feel less threatened by me by allowing her mother into our house. Unfortunately, my boyfriend although divorced for 11 years, tried to keep a good relationship with his exwife (so long as she called all the shots)by going to his family functions and his wife is still very close with all of his family, going to his exwife's house for Thanksgiving, having birthday parties for their daughter at the ex's house and going to the exwife's house for Christmas morning. My boyfriend has slowly tried to change the way holidays are celebrated, but his daughter wants it to remain the same. She does want me to attend his side of the family functions because it makes her mom feel uncomfortable and when we do attend, we get the cold shoulder from his daughter to the point where everyone knows she is being disrespectful and her mother allows her to do so. She still wants her father to come to her mom's house for Thanksgiving and celebrate with them. We tried to have her come to our house Thanksgiving morning for breakfast and have Thanksgiving dinner at her mom's house and then on Christmas, she was going to come to our house for dinner. Thanksgiving morning came and his daughter called and changed our plans to have her dad come over to their house after we had dinner and celebrate with her mother's side of the family. I was hurt that he did this, but he "did it for his daughter". Christmas came and his exwife dropped her off to open presents at 2:00 p.m., we had dinner at 3:00 and the mother picked her up at 4:30 so that she could celebrate Christmas with her side of the family, not to mention that Christmas Eve was spent with her mother's side of the family into the wee morning hours and on Christmas day my boyfriend's daughter was exhausted, miserable and rushed on Christmas day for our celebration.

One other incident occurred on my boyfriend's daughter's birthday. I baked a cake for her, left a gift for her (she was coming over after school for a few hours before her mom was to pick her up and have a family celebration with her side of the family). I left work early in hopes to see her for a few minutes before she left and when I arrived home, her mother was there (early) and having a glass of iced tea. I came in and was very friendly and accepting. I sat down and asked her how her birthday was going and she said "it was fine, except you couldn't have been here when I came home from school" (with a very snotty tone). Although hurt by her comment, I responded by saying that I at least got home early in order to wish her a happy birthday and I was glad that I was able to at least see her for a few minutes. I did the best I could to make our day special. Sorry, I couldn't have done more. I just couldn't believe that her mother would sit there and let her talk to me that way. Her father at the time had left the room and hadn't heard the way she spoke to me.

Later that night, the phone rang and it was his daughter asking her father to bring my daughter and him to her birthday celebration with her mother's side of the family and to leave me home. He hung the phone up and said he had to go for his daughter's sake, and he didn't take my daughter with him telling my daughter it wouldn't be fair to leave me home. He went to the party and his daughter was mad because my daughter didn't come with him. He reprimanded her at her party for creating such a problem by leaving me out. Quite frankly, had his daughter told me she wanted Stephanie and her dad to come to her party and she would feel funny if I came, I would have understood. But instead, she did it in a way which purposely excluded me and in an attempt to show her father that she was going to have things her way, the old way, before I came into the picture. I understand it takes time to create new traditions, but for her to behave by being in control of both her parents and manipulating everyone to do what she wants has to end. Her mother always says that she has always had it her way and that's the way it has always been. She is now 15 and she needs to learn that everything can't always be the way she wants them and that she can't step on people and manipulate them to get what she wants when she wants. There is more, but I don't want to sound like a whiner, but something has to give. When we do try to reprimand her or set rules, she runs back home to mom who validates her disrespect and behavior. Is there any solution to this ongoing problem.