I posted this on another thread but thought it might be helpful for anyone considering it (but not as helpful as the great info I got.)

When I disengaged three things happened.

1. I felt horrible for a few months because I wasn't treating the skids the same as my own and I felt guilty and sad, I was afraid their feelings were hurt and they thought I didn't like them. I worried people would think i was a bad step mother and wife. I knew bm would be hearing all about me not doing anything more for them. I got over that. They didn't give a rats ass what i did or thought of them and never appreciated me or how hard I tried to build up our "family"

2. The skids realized the only reason they'd had any relationship with their dad was mostly because I planned and invited and, yes...chased, them all into coming over for dinner, get togethers, outings, sports events, concerts etc. I sent the bday and valentines, Easter, Halloween etc cards and gifts, i shopped for weeks for xmas. When I disengaged every invitation and card and gift buying stopped too. I imagine they assumed their dad would pick up where I left off, but he's never been that guy. They always knew it was me doing it all. He was always happy to participate and enjoyed his kids, but wasn't going to be the planner when they could perfectly well pick up the phone and plan too. Remember, These are 21, 25 and 28 year old "children".

3. Dh realized himself what assholes his own kids were, and told me one night, in tears, how very sorry he was not to have realized sooner how hard I'd tried and how much I'd done to try to build a family with his kids. He appreciates me more now having gone through the eight years of he'll. He understands why my feelings were hurt when I got no responses to invitations, and unfortunately, he sees now that his kids don't give a rats ass about him either. There hasn't been a fathers day call, text, card or gift, not for his birthday, since I disengaged....because who used to remind them all, and plan the dinner and coordinate the schedules...

The good news is this. We are happy. Every conversation doesn't have something to do with a skid or disappointment or someone taking advantage. I don't mention them at all, I've nothing to say. I have zero expectations for or from any of them. He expects them to turn out like his ex and her asshole family of nut cases. I fell in love with sd28s baby and would love her still, but after weeks of begging and kowtowing to their every whim and rule to get to see the new granddaughter, they cut us off and haven't been in touch again. There's only so much a person can do and we have had tough but honest talks. He is ashamed of them and their behavior. It embarrasses him they can be such brats and not know how to treat people. They simply have no social sense or skill. They don't think to ask how someones doing after a flood destroys my parents home or how my kid is doing after her third round of chemo, or how I'm feeling after my dog of 15 yrs passes.... Common sense humanity... They don't have any of it.

So yes, disengage and stay the course when your heart wants to cave.

The other good news is this. Dh and my kids have always been close. They're even closer now.

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If I'd only known focusing on being my husbands wife instead of trying to be the worlds greatest step mother would make me this happy I would have done it years ago!