Well....SD's visit started something in me. Some sort of healing to know that 6 years of my life as her parent wasn't wasted. She does on some level love and appreciate my part in her life, and misses the fact that I was the one parent she could trust to say anything to, and I never over-reacted or yelled at her.

I am keeping that door open, but not attaching to how often she knocks on it.

Had a rough weekend- was very sick and luckily had a weeks worth of antibiotics from the last two sinus infections combined. 48 hrs on those there was such drastic improvement that I'm sure that's what it was now.

BUT I started a meetup.com group about starting over in my county. Within 48 hours I had 5 members. Within a week and a half I had 10. Sent it out on my FB acct and picked up a few more that I know in person. Held a meeting in a local coffee shop last Sat, and 6 of us came. Several in the same situation as me, though out further (yikes this takes a long time to heal from) a young widow, a young single mom who just broke off her second engagement....It was REALLY good. Set up the second meeting in 2 weeks.

Yesterday, I sorted through a ton of paperwork/mail/crap like that and tossed a ton of crap, organized the rest. That felt GOOD. Didn't even stop to cry when sentimental crap popped up unexpectedly.

I went to a meeting of a little project I'm directing for the arts fest we have every month. The library asked me to do it and I almost dropped out b/c I had no focus or creative abilities.

Today's meeting I was finally present enough to do some directing and I will be there Friday to run it.

I also had a friend ask me to teach drama for an acting camp. I was overwhelmed last week-so sick, that I called to cancel on her.

Her response was, "Well...I lost my job today, so I'll see if I can find a replacement."

I couldn't do it to her. I went to the meeting and even as sick as I was I felt productive and alive while discussing the goals of the camp.

Today after my meeting at the library I came home to type up a schedule to email her about how I plan to fill the 3 hours over 2 days that I will have the kids by myself. I got out all my acting exercises books and then...

didn't even need to open them. All those years in that fabulous youth theatre troupe and I just rolled out my schedule second nature.

I also had a counseling appt this week. I started going weekly after realizing every 2-3 weeks right now I wasn't progressing and was feeling depressed. Tried an anti-depressant but it made me worse- not really wanting to end my life per say, but sobbing hysterically all day long and having thoughts flash into my head about driving into a tree, leaving my car running in the garage, etc. Weird. Like I was totally out of body the way I felt the first month after finding out my husband was leaving me for someone. Needless to say I STOPPED that med and will not try any others.

Anyway...

The counselor was impressed that I started that group. He mentioned that the practice is bringing in a group therapy specialist and perhaps my group can benefit from that! He wrote down the name and said I was doing fantastic things.

So...

Oh- and the young single mom at my meetup group has a 4 year old daughter for BD4 to make friends with. She's a musician/vocal instructor, and we are thinking perhaps if I could find a 4 bedroom house, that she and her daughter could move in with/help me. I could give her a discounted rent and she could get BD4 on the bus every day, watch her Fridays, etc. Plus we may start putting together an performing arts academy like dance academies are.

These things all give me a long overdue sense of hope. And I can't tell you what a relief that is.

Oh- there's more...

A waiting list of men who want to buy me drinks when I'm ready. I'm not yet, but it's nice to know not everyone thinks I'm as worthless as my husband does. I don't know what in the world they see in me right now as messed up as I am about love, marriage, romance etc. But they are really nice guys who are really interested in me as a person. They must be to put up with all my one topic conversations about what I'm going through right now!

So...life is getting a little better. Still miles to go before I can even begin to get over what he's done to me, to my faith in life and men and marriage and family...

but this is finally a beginning rather than an ending.