Hmmmm.....surprise visitor
I was feeling blue still, but better since stopping the anti-depressant that apparently I didn't really need to take after all.
BS15 got off the bus, came inside and said, "SD's here."
I said, "NO WAY! Really?" He said she went to her friend's house two doors down so I forgot about it.
Then I heard "knock knock knock."
I open the door and she came in. We stood sort of awkwardly looking at each other then hugged. She said she missed me. And I said I missed her too. I told her I had been thinking of calling her but didn't want to interfere with her and her dad's life. She said there wasn't much to interfere with and that she'd like to keep talking sometimes. She asked to get something from her room for school, which I'm not sure was really a need since she's been out 6 weeks already and school's over next week.
After that she asked to use the bathroom, then for a ride up the street to do her community service at a church. I said I had to wait for BD4 to get off the bus. She hesitated again for a minute and I asked if she wanted to talk. She did.
I asked BS15 to watch for the bus and SD and I went into my room. We talked for a few hours. She is so sad. So unhappy. Misses me. Misses having a family. She is angry. Doesn't understand what's happened or why. Wants to quit all sports, and said her grades are all dropping. She is going to a counselor but says she's not getting to go enough. That's a switch in this kid, to really want to go to counseling. She must be feeling some pain now.
I realized then that none of this is her fault, or my fault. It lies with him completely, his choices not to address our needs as a family, not to take over with her when I asked him to when she stopped being receptive to me being the main parent.
I told her I'm still here if she wants to hang out sometime. Told her that I saw the Twilight adds and was sad that we wouldn't be going to it opening day like we had to the rest of them. She said she was going to be out of town then, but we could go when she gets back.
It was then that I really understood that even though we had our problems, our conflicts, etc, that we did love each other and touch each other's lives and even if STBX doesn't want me anymore that doesn't mean that SD and I shouldn't have some relationship with each other. I have been the most present parent for most of her life now. And he took me away. No matter if she hated the way I parented her, well...what kid doesn't resent their mom when they exercise boundaries.
And I think that I am up for being that person in her life that she can still talk to, that she feels safe telling things to, because I am. I have always been even when we weren't getting along well the rest of the time. If she broke up with a boy she talked to me not him. If she was upset about school she talked to me not him.
And from the sounds of it, she isn't ever going to want to talk to the OW anyway. He's made this impossible on everyone really. How can a kid bond with someone who brought their father off his pedestal of honor and integrity in her eyes?
I won't share what she talked about b/c it was in confidence.
But there was a sort of closure that came for me in the discussion. He is the one who messed it all up. His consequences will come when they will.
But it's time I let him go. I don't have to stop loving her, or being there for her. It's been a huge part of what's upset me about the whole thing- mothering a child for 6 years and then being told I have no place in her life.
- Sita Tara's blog
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Comments
That's pretty awesome. So
That's pretty awesome. So glad she came to you. It must have helped validate your relationship with her and the craziness of what has happened. She's old enough to choose you as a friend--he can't say anything about it!
"But there was a sort of
"But there was a sort of closure that came for me in the discussion. He is the one who messed it all up. His consequences will come when they will."
Exactly.
You absolutely have a place
You absolutely have a place in her life.
I'm so glad for both of you that you got to talk with each other.
You remind me a lot of Sandra Bullock. From what I have read, she is planning on staying in touch with her stepkids. Because you were the main caretaker of SD for many years and had custody, perhaps you could talk to your attorney to see if there is any way you could work out a legal agreement with your her father about your keeping in contact with her.
You are a really good person, and I hope you are able to keep in touch with SD!
I am so happy that your SD
I am so happy that your SD came to talk to you. I really hope that you can stay involved in her life because it really sounds like she needs it. I'm sorry that he did that to you. You deserve better.
What a great post for every
What a great post for every SM to read... your post reminds us that we can make a difference in their lives no matter what BM or DH or STBX influence may be and it may take months or even years for them to see your worth but someday the hopefully will. Good for you for being there for her and Hugs to you for the pain you are going through. Lots of happy thoughts and prayers coming your way!
I think it's wonderful that
I think it's wonderful that she came over and confided in you. You are quite a Lady and a great Mom. She's incredibly fortunate to have you in her life.
What a heart-warming story!
What a heart-warming story! You are an awesome SM and I'm so glad to know that you were able to hear that from your own SD.
I love what you said: "I realized then that none of this is her fault, or my fault." I think it is SO IMPORTANT for children (and adults) to hear this when a family is hurting from a breakup. My parents separated when I was 9 and they let me know before dad even moved out that it had nothing to do with me. It really helped me to deal with the separation. My siblings were younger than me so my parents didn't have that conversation with them because they thought the little ones wouldn't understand. But I think my sisters did suffer and now it shows in how they parent their children. One sister is a disney parent who constantly overrules and undermines her husband, the other married a loser because she felt obligated to foster the daddy-daughter relationship for her baby. I think they still suffer from the pain of that breakup when we were kids. They disney parent remembers her childhood as nothing but sad, so she will do ANYTHING to make her kids happy. The other parent doesn't have any memories of the whole family being together, so she stays with a man who takes advantage of her so that her child won't feel that void.
Sorry to hijack your blog. Your post really touched me.
Hi Sita, This is great news,
Hi Sita,
This is great news, and I feel hopeful now that what I have went through as a stepparent may not be all in vain. I don't want to be negative, because I am trying to be a better person, but I really hope that the OW sees how important you are through the actions of SD. And I hope it really gets on her nerves, lol. Anyway, muchos abrazos y besitos for you and I am glad that your SD showed that she really did love you after all.
That's great! The best part
That's great! The best part is she wanted to talk to you. Not because she had to but because she wanted to. So awesome!!
Dawn
Glad to hear it! But I'm sure
Glad to hear it! But I'm sure I don't have to remind you that being BPD means that you are in favor at the moment, but PLEASE be careful. You've been hurt so much already, that I'd HATE for you to be hurt even more if she decides that you are not in her favor at some point.
You are such a warm, loving person that BPDs tend to take advantage of. I hope that it will continue to be good for you both. I know it's good for her to have at least one stable person in her life, whether she realizes it or not.
I, too, am glad that you had
I, too, am glad that you had a positive interaction, Sita. But, I also don't want you hurt. So, take the positive, but still proceed with caution, maybe? You are a wonderful, giving person. And, I'm pretty sure, we'll all be happy to quote you back to you whenever you need to hear that he messed up, not you. Big hugs, Lady.
I am new on here and just now
I am new on here and just now learning diffrent ones situations. In an earlier post I read of yours my heart just feel because I could feel the pain in your words. Not really knowing which way to go. After reading this post I feel that it has given you strength and a sense of closure. Allowing you to begin to heal.
Your heart shows through in the way that you handled this visit. Most would have either refused or let all the ugliness out for what had been done.
When you are having your sad moments just come back to this blog and read. A heart like yours cant help but be blessed!
Wow Sita--all I can think to
Wow Sita--all I can think to say. Everyone else pegged it dead on. Ive felt that in SD8 too-she has said she know her dad isn't teaching her anything and I feel bad for her being the only girl with her dad and brother. I just couldn't do it anymore. I wasnt strong enough to keep risking him being angry and "punishing" me in various ways. I had to leave.
Being told "they're only five, they're just kids" always seemed to me and my kiddos the reason the skids could never be held to anything by anyone in their family. But everyone complained about them? Ostrich's father supposdly only recently apologized to me--I say supposedly because it was said thru ostrich. To me not a genuine apology by any means. He said he now realizes what I was going through? I don't think so-this is the same fellow who told me his grandkids were all "better" than my kids. Oddly enough, CPS hasn't been called on me or to my home unlike his own son?
Sita, I am so glad she went
Sita,
I am so glad she went to see you. You spent years trying to make sure she was OK and I am sure she remembers and appreciates that. I would be careful too, and tread lightly. If this is a relationship you can continue than that would be great. She has been a big part of your life and she is your daughter's sister.
On another note, I am just happy to hear you sounding so much better. May your hurs be healed more quicly than you thought possible.
Who would of thought your
Who would of thought your little angel of closure... of hope... of moving on... would have been in your SD?
What a breath of fresh air.
Well... I was all kumbya
Well...
I was all kumbya yesterday, then had nightmares all night again and woke up scared, alone, sad, etc. This is a roller coaster ride and I wish I could either go back and erase the past year that the OW showed up and ruined my life, or I could fast forward thru this horrible part and start accelerating through the healing.
I am not making much progress. And I'm incredibly ill this week.
Hang in there Sita! We're
Hang in there Sita! We're here for you. You are amazing and you will feel better in time.
I like this post.
I like this post.