Phasing her out
My BF will have been divorced 2 years next month (BM divorced him) but she continued to control his life up until I showed up (about a year ago). I have been working with him on tell her 'NO' and calling her out when she lies to him. He also no longer needs to her help him with the kids on his weeks because he has me to do it and I complain a lot less about it. I know I am an evil person, right? So needless to say she doesn't like me and tries to get rid of me on a regular basis (it never works but it's still annoying). You know that saying... "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."? Well if they keep shoving you at some point you have to shove back or you are going to run into a wall.
See my BF still lives in the house that he had when he was married to BM. We looked into moving but the housing market is not good so we are stuck for now, but I was worried because BM seems a little to 'at home' when she comes over to drop the kids off and tends to stay longer than i want her too. So this week I completely remodeled the Living Room! (which she had designed and decorated - and it's the first room you see when you walk in the house) BF said that he never liked the colors but was sick of fighting with her about it, so he just did it, and she rushed him the whole time and it looked awful. I told him this time we were going to do it right. We picked out the colors together and he helped me prep and prime everything. But me being the artist i did the final touches. We replaced the baby puke green and dark green (accent wall) paint with a light tan. And we sanded and painted the beat up trim brown. The results were night and day, so it wasn't like she wouldn't notice.
I make it a point to 'disappear' when she comes over but BF said she walked in and just frowned but didn't say anything. The kids were excited about it. FSS5 asked me if his room was next and pointed out that we need to do the hallway too. But next on my list in the kitchen - which is off the living room - becasue now it looks awful next to the nice neat living room. And she did that room as well (she did all the rooms actuall accept the bathroom) and will notice it when I re-do it too. 
- SisterNeko's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I redecorated the entire
I redecorated the entire house but the family room. That is next. It was the only way I could feel like it wasn't hers. As for her coming in the house. BM is not even allowed on the front step. Kids are dropped in the driveway. I would stop that now. It is a complete lack of boundaries....
I have had remodeling done all drapes replaced. Everything but replacing the kitchen cabinets and trust me that is planned. I have completely re-worked the landscaping. She had no sense of color and her idea of landscaping was to through a bag of bulbs in a hole and hope for the best. I am still dealing with that and it has been 5 years. Her one bag of daffodils have been divided every year and now they are everywhere and look so nice in the spring. You have to do what makes it feel like your house. For me it was a bay window. I am sure it ticks her off to see how nice the house looks now....
Find out what will help it make you at home. Start with setting rules of her never walking in your house.
Don't allow her in your house
Don't allow her in your house that is not right. Ask you bf if he wants your ex's coming in and hanging out. Stop the coming in the house ASAP. I did and it hasnt happened sense she calls when she's here and doesn't step two feet from the car.
Hi SisterNeko, I agree with
Hi SisterNeko,
I agree with everyone above - there is absolutely NO reason whatsoever for the BM to be entering your home. Pickups and dropoffs can easily be accomplished with her remaining in her vehicle out in the street - unless maybe your skid(s) are babies and cannot walk??? I don't know why your BM is actually coming INTO your house for the exchange, but this needs to stop NOW, ASAP.
This, IMO, is a natural boundary that should've been put in place from day 1 after she left/the divorce. By the way, this needs to be carried out by your BF!! Of course, if there's a dropoff/pickup that takes place when your BF isn't home, you can carry it out yourself. Do NOT get in the middle of this - this is your BF's job to put these boundaries into place and enforce them!!! If your BF refuses to do this, you have more of a problem with your BF than you do with his exW.
Also, just wanted to let you know that I can relate to living in what was the previous "marital home". I did the same thing - but only my FDH (BF at the time) was the one that started out the renovation process and now together we have made ALL the reno/redecorating decisions TOGETHER. OMG, if his exW walked into our house (would never happen - FDH would never allow it and exW would be too afraid to), she literally wouldn't even RECOGNIZE it!!! We practically gut-renovated the ENTIRE HOUSE!!!! Including taking down a wall between the kitchen & living room to open up the entire first floor!!
We also went from mint green carpet, dull lime green walls with dark green accent walls (BM's decorating taste)....to BEAUTIFUL, WARM, NEUTRAL TONES - warm tans and we installed new beautiful crown moulding and new raised panel doors throughout the whole house, which we accented with white. Brand new hardwood flooring throughout the first floor, brand new furniture, wall hangings, etc...
FDH & I also put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into our landscaping - tore out all the old, messy crap that BM planted (not much - she didn't do ANY outdoors/landscaping work to help FDH when they were married - too busy with her ass planted on the couch on the phone with her girlfriends for hours or surfing the net "role-playing" on different weird vampire websites at night). Our lawn and planting beds in the front & back yards look AWESOME - and every time BM actually does a dropoff/pickup, she gets to see how beautiful it all is and how much PRIDE we take in our home! We even planted a beautiful tree together in the front yard last year and we jokingly named it our "love tree" (the fskids know this) - it is now in BEAUTIFUL full bloom with white/light pink flowers!!
ANYWAY, I can honestly say I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our home!!! And I'm a little bit of a "control" freak with this type of thing, normally. Never thought I'd feel this way about "his" house - but both of us say it really, truly is OUR HOME!! We're so happy I moved in with him & fskids (and I kept my house that I own and rented it out - win, win for me!!!).
How does his exW feel about it all? I don't know, but I can only imagine it bothers her...JUUUSSST A LITTLE. }:) }:) }:)
Well her coming into the
Well her coming into the house is just something that had always been in place - BF goes into her house too when it's cold to drop the kids off (otherwise in the summer she meets him at the door)and talk about what needs to be talked about concerning the kids. Honestly I hadn't really thought about that until you guys said something. Maybe BF and I will talk about that. It was just the way it always was not saying it shouldn't change just like everything else :).
This time around though I was actually looking forward to her walking in the front door. I wanted her to see what I had done to see that BF had moved on. I have plans for the rest of the house - including the outside but as I am sure you guys know it takes time and Money! We are however moving in that direction.