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BM really does not want FDH to go to IEP meetings

SisterNeko's picture

Every year BM tries a new way to make sure FDH can not attend SS5's IEP meeting. This year was an all-time low. She doesn't want him to go because he wants SS5 pushed.

An IEP Meeting for those of you that don't know is an Individualized Education Plan for Special Needs children. Key people get together twice a year (Beginning and end) to discuss and come up with a plan for the child's education through out the school year/summer and plan for the following year/check progress at the end of the year. SS5 has High-Functioning Autism and a Vision Impairment.

Last week FDH got a call from the Special Ed. Teacher saying that she had talked to BM and they set a date for the IEP that BM said would work for EVERYONE. It's the Monday after our wedding! BM knows when the wedding is because we are getting married out of state - in the state that I grew up in - so we had to tell her that we were talking the sKids out of state. And I am pretty sure that sKids told her why we were going there. Now as luck would have it we are not going on a Honeymoon until Nov. because we are having 2 receptions and we want to get them both out of the way first and FDH likes to spread around his time off out.

So FDH could make it but we will be driving back on Sunday and probably really tired. He wants to go back to work and get settled back in, ect. But he doesn't want to miss the IEP meeting because if he isn't there BM will try to convince them that SS5 is way worse than he really is and can't or shouldn't be pushed TOO hard. Sadly most of the people are there year after year and I think they are on to BM for the most part but if FDH isn't there to contradict BM they might start to believe her (again). FDH is calling the Special ed. teacher today to ask for the date to be changed and tell her why (just to make BM look stupid).

Now working backwards with the IEP meeting in the past and BM's past attempts to sabotage.

End of the year last year (Early Childhood/pre-k - 5yrs old) - BM canceled it without telling FDH. She talked to the teacher and 'they' agreed that it wasn't really needed. When FDH called teacher to see when it was, teacher explained and FDH read off a list of questions/concerns that he had so Teacher scheduled one. The meeting was VERY informative and addressed most of FDH's concerns about the summer (continuing therapy/education - which included summer school enrollment and ideas to keep SS5 socially active), SS5 eating/nutrition (they gave us a book on how to get him to eat better), and plans for next year which included talking about taking Ss5 off the short bus, for 1st grade (not this year but next).

Start of the year Last year (Early Childhood/pre-k - 4yrs old) - The teacher and BM sent the date and BM told teacher SHE would call FDH and tell him. WEEKS later teacher called FDH for a different reason and asked him if he was coming to the IEP meeting the following week. FDH said he knew nothing about it but would have to ask his boss. Teacher said she talked to BM weeks before about it and that it 'appeared' that they had a break down in communication. In that meeting they talked about putting SS5 (who was doing great) into 4K at mid-term. Well it never happened because BM called teacher and told her that the transition would be too much for SS5. By the time FDH found out it was too late to transition him.

End of Year 2 years ago(Early Childhood - 4yrs old)- The agreed that SS5 needed Summer school. BM said she would take care of it. When summer school start FDH called to see if he was signed up and BM told him they lost her check so he didn't get signed up. FDH called the school and they said there was no check or enrollment form for either child (both SS5 and SS7). Oddly enough the same thing happened to SS7 the year before and BM claims that she paid $25 bucks to cancel a $10 check (idiot).

Start of the year 2 years ago(Early Childhood - 3yrs old) There wasn't one because BM wasted all summer trying to get SS5 into a private school only to have them tell her that SS5 would do better in Public school, because they have more funding for special needs programs. Then didn't enroll SS5 into school until November at the end of the 1st quarter.

This time around the list of people that will be there seems longer, I told FDH this could be an interesting meeting. His teacher this year seems to have a better handle on him and he is doing wonderfully in class which is all day Kindergarten. He is only pulled out once a day for speech therapy. Otherwise he stays with and interacts with his classmates. The teacher doesn't seem to buy into the - he can't do this because he's special needs mentality.

On a positive note, since starting school SS5 has been doing great. He is talking more and acting more like a normal 5 year old - not the giant baby he used to be. Seriously a giant baby - when he didn't feel good he would just cry and you would have to guess what was wrong, now he will tell you what hurts, with some tears. He wanted to be carried every where. He could not dress himself. I told FDH by the end of the year BM will have her hands full. SS5 is no longer taking suggestions, he is speaking his mind and tell people what he wants. The one thing that I don't like is he likes to say "I can't" when you ask him to do stuff that he doesn't want to do. I tell him that I don't like that word and he can do it, stop being lazy.

I am so excited - I have been since the first day of school because I knew all day school would do wonders for ss5. I told FDH that our future child/children will be going to 4k and maybe 3k. I have seen what early education (or lack there of) can do to children. (SS7 didn't start school until Kindergarten and is behind in almost everything, including socially)

Comments

DeeDeeTX's picture

Is your BM getting social security that she's afraid will be yanked if SS mainstreams?

SisterNeko's picture

No. BM wanted to get him on Social Security when they diagnosed him with Autism but it was just after the divorce and FDH refused to agree to it (joint legal custody), even got in a fight with the pediatrician over it. FDH's stance was if they did that then SS5 would be labeled for the rest of his life as disabled, when the neurologist the actually made the diagnosis said that if they got him in school SS5 could out grow (over come or work around) the symptoms and live a normal life.

As for his eye issue, they thought he was blind at birth but later realized that he had Iris Coloboma - a defeat in the eye which can be described as having what appear to be 'cat eyes'. He wears corrective lens but can see very well, though he struggles in bright lights or snow because his pupils don't dilate like the should. We were the ones that found putting sunglasses on him works wonders. He used to cry or scream when we took him out side to play in the snow or for boat rides on sunny days. BM said it was the Autism but turns out it was the eyes and actually hurts him.

I think BM's biggest issue with school is that she doesn't want SS5 to get better. She always wanted a special needs child (she tried talking FDH into adopting one while they were married but the counselor said the FDH didn't appear to be sure about it so they were denied) She also loves to tell people that SS5 is special needs - often refers to him as her special needs child (and not by his name)

SisterNeko's picture

I actually have a copy of a letter that BM put in SS5's school bag last year that read:

"My name is SS5, I am a special needs student at (the school). I can't communicate very well so my mommy put his letter in my back pack."

I can't find it at the moment but it went on to say call my mommy if you have questions.

And I have an e-mail from her to me where she says something about "It's hard being apparent especially to a special needs child." I responded that I don't have any issues with Skids and asked her why she always feels the need to put 'special needs' in there when talking about ss5. She responded with some garage about it not defining her son and something about not always using the label.

Jmom's picture

I was thinking the same thing . . . This sounds like something my ex's mother would do. Every grandchild that was born into that family ended up with her at some point and there was always something wrong with them. They are now fully functioning adults by the way.

Journey1982's picture

My son had an IEP when he was 5 years old. He was healthy in everyway, but was a slow learner - he didn't comprehend things as fast as others, which is not unusual for twins. He had an average IQ, but I was told by the doctor that he just didn't catch onto things as fast as most kids his age.

Based on my experience, I didnt have the option to "agree" or not to an IEP. When the school suspected my son had a problem, they did have to get my permission to test him, but once the problem was identified, the school developed the IEP and provided the additional assistance and class he needed. This was all discussed with me, but I wasn't required to do anything. All the responsibility for my sons IEP was on the school because it was things that only the school coud provide (ex. extra time to take a test; extra reading class; instructions given to him 1 at a time in lieu of all at once). I don't understand how the teacher and the BM decided your SS didn't need an IEP. My sons school based the decision on the resuts of the testing; not the teachers opinion.

I did send my son to summer school to ensure he didn't lose any of his skills over the summer (our school had a grant program and he was able to go for free); I worked with him at night & he had a tutor. I wanted to make sure he had every advantage available to make sure he coud succeed. His 3rd grade teacher assured me he would be fine, and told me that when I am sitting at his wedding, I will wonder why I worried so much. My son is now 20 years old and in his 3rd year of college. Although he has never been a straight A student, I now know he will be fine. I am very proud of him.

SisterNeko's picture

Our school has some issues - which BM must no them all - when it comes to children from split parents. They are used to talking to on person (usual mom) and that be ok. I am not sure how BM does 90% of what she does. She does come off as being very concerned but she isn't very smart. The last time BM took SS5 to the neurologist the report came back as SS5 having behaved better in the office but made 'few' improvements at home according to mom. FDH called them and told them all the improvements made at our house and provided proof (photos) to the point where the doc amended the reports. BM said that they 'misunderstood' her, she talked to 3 people and in 3 reports they all said that same thing.

Sadly in terms of actual intelligents SS5 is way ahead of most kids his age. Last year he was the first in his class to count to 100 and know his ABC and colors. And he can read some words, like his name. And he can tell you where he is supposed to go - mom or dad's house, his classroom ect. He does great a puzzles and can play with guys using his own imagination.

Journey1982's picture

In todays world, its very sad that schools believe its ok to talk to 1 parent. My brother would set up separate appointments with my nephews teacher so that he could be kept up to date with their school work.

It is wonderful that he is ahead of most of the kids his age.

SisterNeko's picture

We went to the open house this year and we told the teachers the FDH wanted to be contacted directly regarding the kids. One teacher asked if we wanted separate meetings and FDH said no (mainly because he wants to keep an eye on what BM says) but he needed to be informed of the meeting by teacher and not BM.

He is so smart - he just doesn't talk. But I think that was because BM just does everything for him instead of making him ask/tell. Like going over the the pantry and pointing at the snack he wants.

SisterNeko's picture

Oh I think IEP are great and just in 2 years SS5 has come a long way but it also takes some pushing at home to get kids to talk correctly. SS5 was all about hand signals , but I make his tell me what he wants instead of pointing.

ThatGirl's picture

SS14 had an IEP until last year. BM never even attended a meeting. She has 50/50 custody, received all school phone calls and letter, is a middle school teacher herself, yet never went to a single IEP meeting. WTF is that?