Avoidance or appearances?
Is it better to avoid the things that stress you out or to appear as if nothing is wrong?
I ask because lately I have this inability to deal with sKids and their drama, even when it is minor. I am trying to reduce my stress levels because it's basically making me ill. In reading all these book on the subject they said avoidance isn't the answer but I am not in the place yet to 'self talk' my self into a better mood.
DH is being very understanding but he likes to put on this show for BM that we are one big happy blended family, and to a point so do I. But it really down to a choice, putting on the show or feeling better.
I am so torn, this weekend DH is driving his truck in a St. Patty Parade and he wants sKids to join him. The issue it it's BM's weekend to have the kids but she was already planning to let DH have them for a few hours for the parade - because lets be honest it gives her time alone to socialize with her 'friends' without sKids hanging on her and throwing a fit.
The issues is I know how this is going to go because we did it last year and we also did it for the 4th of July parade. DH will pick up sKids and they will be over tired, full of soda and junk food and dress in clothes that are either too small or too big and dirty. DH will have to get everything ready so I will be stuck in the truck with whiny sKids. Last time SS5 was so tired that he fell asleep, when we woke him up for the parade he threw a fit. SS7 was having panic attacks then and at one point started crying that he wanted BM.
And DH wondered why I asked him if I HAD to go with this time? He seemed disappointed at first but I think he is starting to understand that I just can't deal with sKids lately. I have an anxiety disorder and it's been bothering me recently. And it's not just sKids it's a little bit of everything that is going on.
I want to go but yet I don't. I know BM will be there and she will notice that I am not there, she probably won't say anything but she may ask SS7 where I was. I don't even like going to the drop offs any more.
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Those self-help books are
Those self-help books are rubbish. Avoidance is a defense mechanism. It is necessary at times for your own mental and emotional health. It's like the fight or flight response. You can't "self-talk" yourself into fighing when your instinct says flight. So that being said, don't go. You clearly need the time to yourself. Take a "mental health" day off of step-parenting. I have a good friend, my best really, who is a step-parent herself and one of the few people I can actually discuss these things with. She told me recently, "You cannot be more invested then he is." And then she said, "See, I just saved you thousands of $ in therapy." Her own therapist told her this because she had become overly involved in all things skid related. Including pick-ups and drop-offs, extra-curricular activities, etc. She needed to be reminded that she was an individual with her own needs and dh was just going to have to accept that some things related to HIS kids were exclusively HIS responsiblity.
"You cannot be more invested
"You cannot be more invested then he is." SO very true. I used to try, not for skid, because to be honest, I never really liked him, he was already so far gone at 2. Just awful. I was engaged for DH. I tried and tried to help him, to make him see that his Disneyland Daddy antics were just adding to a much bigger problem, that he would have absolute Hell on his hands in a few years time, everything fell on deaf ears. I had to stop, I had to disengage because I was caring more than he was. I finally had to say, "ok, this is an idiot raising another idiot" and stop trying to help him see what he was doing. I am very territorial, I used to go to the pick ups and drop offs, just because I wanted BM to notice my presence, like OP is worrying about, as if I had to validate my relationship to her. Piss on that, I am his wife, and I don't give a rats ass anymore what she thinks. I have had zero contact with her in 11 months and it has been fabulous.
"she was an individual with her own needs and dh was just going to have to accept that some things related to HIS kids were exclusively HIS responsiblity."
^^AMEN. Nuff said.
This is so true. it is a
This is so true. it is a flight or fight response and honestly I am sick of fighting so yeah running away from it seems appealing. Our issue is that I am defiantly more vested in sKids than DH is. He cares but not enough to do something about it. I waned to fix everything thinking I would be happier if I did but now I realize that I can't fix anything. I just beat my self up about it and stress out.
I am considering theropy. I have talked to a doc about it and they said to just call and they would make the referral. But I thought I would try re-reading the book I got the last time I went to theropy called "mind over mood".
AVOID! AVOID! AVOID! Don't go
AVOID! AVOID! AVOID! Don't go to the parade, you already know exactly how it will play out, who cares if BM notices. Don't got to the drop offs anymore. You are just like I was last fall. So sick and damn tired of it all, but still wanting to be involved to protect DH from his own dumbassed self. So not worth it. Go enjoy your day sans skids. Go to the parade if you want, just don't get in that truck full of stress. It is not your responsibility. If he wants to drag them along and deal with it and ruin his time, let him. Disengage as much as you can. It won't be a cure all for your marriage but it will help with how sick you are, the anxiety, the stress, etc. Do what is best for you.
That would be fantastic. I
That would be fantastic. I just told DH the other night, that after all I have been thru, and since he is always too tired or just doesn't give a damn, I will be going to a massage therapist weekly from now on.
So once you stopped caring
So once you stopped caring about the idiot raising the idiot(s)....what happened? Did DH ever see his handiwork...yet?
fedup......
fedup......
He sees it, but he is still
He sees it, but he is still so in denial, so prone to sticking his head in the sand, still no backbone. Skid drives him absolutely bonkers nutzo, but he still lets him do it. He has here recenty attempted to try and enforce some rules, bedtimes, sleep in own bed, etc, but skid will throw a meltdown level rage fit and DH gives in, I slam bedroom door, and wake up to the same nightmare the next day. I have, just in the last couple of days due to wine and steptalk, been very upfront with DH, I guess I reengaged to a point, I never addressed skid, but I did try to talk to DH, and he agreed, nodded, I told him he HAS to get a handle on this or he will either die of a heart attack or be so miserable that no one wants to be around him, he agreed at the time, but nothing has changed. Skid was here last night, DH attempted to make him go to bed at 8, that did not happen, he then put him in bed at 9, skid screamed bloody murder, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddddddddddy, Daaaaaaaaaaaaaddy, I need you Daaaaaaaaaaaaady, I want you Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady, and I went to my room with my dog and cat and within 20 min skid was up with DH on the couch. Today, skid is here, I am on my back deck with my dog drinking the rest of the wine, and right now as we speak, skid just proclaimed to DH that he shit his pants...so ready to see how this turns out.
Sounds like skid is not grown
Sounds like skid is not grown up enough to see how bad he turned out, YET. I guess I should read the stories in the adult section for that. I just kind of wonder if the disney dads ever "wake up" and see that we aren't joking around about the obnoxiousness level of their kids.
No, skid is 5. He has been
No, skid is 5. He has been diagnosed with ODD, ADHD, and I think he has early onset Conduct Disorder, but BM pitched at fit and refused to take him back the child psych after the ODD diagnosis and had ignored it ever since. Oldone is the person that I relate to the most. I can totally see my skid being just like her SS one day. Oh well, not my kid not my problem, all I can do is hope that I can somehow keep this marriage afloat in the meantime.
I'm really really sorry. But
I'm really really sorry. But I think in some ways I have it better than some others with more "normal" adult skids. There is no pretense that he is a productive member of society. Some of these "normal" adults who marry, have jobs, etc cause way more disruption because they are mean and greedy.
I cannot wait for the day
I cannot wait for the day that the damn oh he is just a little boy excuse can no longer be used. I can't wait for the day to come where these people HAVE to accept that he is beyond repair, I think once he hits 12 or so, there will be no denying it and if things keep going like they are now, everyone ignoring his issues, coddling and spoiling him to the point of handicapping him emotionally, instilling in him the belief that he can do no wrong and everything is owed to him, no way will he be a productive member of society either.
Oh the peace and sanctity of
Oh the peace and sanctity of the back porch with a drink and the air and the birds
That is my "serenity now" place too!!!
skids tonight and again fri-mon - i'll be enjoying the weather "next" to ya!
please update us on how he handles the poopy drawers }:)
Well, the the wine was a
Well, the the wine was a response to drinking too much of it lastnight, u know the whole drink some more and you will feel better. Not so. The fresh air and birds and just sitting out side was nice though. Skid shits his pants all the time. He has ODD really bad and he does it on purpose to be defiant and to control DH by making him have to clean it up. The shitty underwear are in a garbage sack on the back porch because I have told DH NO MORE IN MY LAUNDRY or left laying in my bathtub half assed scrubbed out!!!! Throw them away and once he is out of underwear let him go without and shit down both legs.
I like the sound of this. I
I like the sound of this. I should see how much a spa day would cost.
Just avoid it. These days we
Just avoid it. These days we get a bigger reaction out of BM when DH and I are both not present to witness her dressed to the nine's with full make-up and hair done every time she drops the skids off.
Making a point to be there and establish my presence only gives her space in my head .. she knows I think about her and the situation enough to feel the need to show up. Sort of reminds me of monkeys standing up on two legs and banging their fists on their chest.
She's not that important to me. I don't care what she thinks of me, or DH, or our relationship. If she chooses to view my absence as some sort of retreat or sign of defeat, then let her think it. I have more important things to do.
I'm in the same boat too! I
I'm in the same boat too! I feel left out if I don't go, but if I go I know it won't be pleasant. I just vote for my sanity first and skip out on events... sorry if that hurts anybody's feelings (DH or skids). Everyone always thinks of the skids first, you are the only one who can put YOU first.
I agree with the suggestion
I agree with the suggestion that you won't feel left out if you make other plans for yourself. DH is going to Florida in April with his kids and I can not wait to have the house to myself with my bios. I have something planned for almost every day they are gone
While a spa is nice, time with a friend or loved one is better.
I can guarantee you - not once when my DH is doing something with his skids do I ever think "gee, I wonder what they are doing I kinda wish I was there". Not ONCE. And as for what BM thinks of me not vacationing with them? I could give a rat's ass. Why would the opinion of a fat ugly whore matter one bit to me?
Is is bad that I was talking
Is is bad that I was talking about not going to MIL today and eve said said not to go, let DH be stuck in the truck the whiny kids. lol