BM has a new BF
About a year ago BM broke up with the guy she was living with and kicked him and his 2 kids out. Over the summer she started dating someone new. She has always been high conflict and problematic in anything dealing with SD. Only BM's parents were "approved" to watch SD. No way would she leave her alone with me. Anyways, here recently since she started dating this new victim she has decided that SO can have more time with SD (whenever it is convenient for BM and she has plans with her new bf). Well after 4 years of not being good enough and dealing with the drama SD causes by going home and telling mommy twisted tales of what happens at our house I no longer have any desire to watch or spend alone time with SD. SO just sent a message asking if I worked New Year's day b/c he does and it is his year to have SD (meaning I would have to watch SD on my day off). I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH HER OR BE ALONE WITH HER. She is obnoxious and entitled and loud and needs constant entertainment. I want to relax on my day off not deal with her. Plus we had her almost all last weekend b/c her mom willingly let us have her on Christmas Eve and day (every other year even when it is SO's year to have her she argues and causes drama and tries to have SD). Plus it is our turn to have her this weekend. I am so irritated right now. I tried to tell SO nicely that even though I am off I do not want to keep SD. I told him we don't even have plans for New Years (he has to work at 7am the next day) and we weren't going to be doing anything fun so SD should just stay with BM b/c BM always entertains her and I am not changing plans to entertain her. Well I'm guessing that BM has plans with her bf and doesn't want SD. Then SO sends another message saying that SD wants to come over tonight with her cousin. SO knows that my mom and nephew are coming into town tonight (from 3 hours away) and staying the night with us. We will already have a house full of people. I told him that SD and her cousin shouldn't come over b/c of that. Well of course Guilty Daddy can't say no to his precious little daughter when she wants something so he is now trying to make me feel bad about telling her she can't come tonight b/c we already have plans. I'm so mad at him. Plus I'm mad that even after giving him valid reasons to say NO to his daughter he is still making me out to be the bad guy and pushed me enough that I finally went off. It isn't like this is new information to him. The majority of our fights are b/c of him catering to BM and SD and expecting me to suck it up and be okay with it. My mom rarely visits. She lives 3 hours away. She wasn't even going to stay at my house b/c she also can't stand SD. She can't handle all the noise and interruptions when SD is there. She made plans to stay with my aunt. When I told her that we wouldn't have SD tonight and she could come spend some time with me and my kids without SD interrupting she was happy and that is why she is coming. I didn't want to tell SO that my mom can't stand his kid either. I wasn't trying to argue with him but he just kept at trying to get me to say yes I wanted SD to come over tonight. I finally had to be very blunt with him. He sent a video message saying "well now you don't have to worry about quality time with your mom being interrupted b/c SD isn't going to come over" - followed by a long sigh and shaking his head and acting sad basically. Ummmmmm, screw you buddy, I responded with a "GOOD, that is what I wanted! There will already be enough people at the house and we already had these plans. I'm not sorry that you had to tell SD NO to something she wanted." I seriously feel like we are going to end soon. I do not like his daughter. I feel bad about that. I know that it isn't her fault. I know that she is a product of a crazy BM and a guilty/disney daddy but b/c of that she is obnoxious and spoiled and entitled and I'm not going to pretend any longer that it doesn't bother me or suck it up and let SD have her way and ruin my night. Not today.
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Comments
It is not unreasonable for
It is not unreasonable for you to not want her there New Year's Day, when he will be working. That would definitely be a no for me, too, but my husband was never stupid enough to think I wanted SD there when he wasn't.
You already made plans with your mom, and your mom changed her original plans of staying with your Aunt, based on SD NOT being at your house tonight. So, again, not unreasonable to tell SD that she and cousin cannot come over tonight.
How old is this kid? Because at some point, she does become responsible for her actions. Parented properly or not, they do come to know the difference between right and wrong behavior, unless they live under a rock. Parents aren't the only people kids learn these things from. Kids just know that they can get away with certain things, with certain people.
Stop pretending, stop sucking up. Let her and your SO know that you are not one of those people who will be railroaded.
She is 10. I agree at some
She is 10. I agree at some point she does need to become responsible for her actions. The problem is mommy and daddy treat her like she is 5 and act as if there is nothing wrong with her being loud, obnoxious, conceited and intrusive when other people are trying to interact. SD def knows she can get away with everything with them. SD also throws my son under the bus when she does get in trouble to divert the attention off of what she does. It is pretty evident to everyone but the parents and I'm sick of it!
I'm done sucking it up. I got into it big time with SO over this. He of course made me out as the villain. Twisting what I said into "you said my daughter isn't welcome here with your family, I would never tell you that your son isn't welcome with my family" - well maybe because my son doesn't prevent you from having time with you family. He isn't constantly in your face! Plus I didn't even say it that way. I told him that I didn't want SD and her cousin coming over because we had a full house already.
Then he complained about how it is so messed up that he can't spend New Year's with his daughter b/c I won't watch her until BM comes and gets her and how he got into it with BM also. He wouldn't tell me why. I'm sure it is b/c he didn't take SD at her convenience and he must have told her he couldn't keep her New Years either so I'm sure that interferes with BM's plans but she is the manipulative type so I'm sure she told him he was a bad dad for not taking her. I really don't care if BM is unhappy about any of this. Not my fault that after over 4 years she is deciding to play nice and "let me" watch SD and give SO more time with her. Now that SD is a full blown entitled brat!
Good for you, sometimes these
Good for you, sometimes these men need their chains jerked. Maybe him and his kiddo can go get a hotel room and he can spend some quality one on one alone time together if he needs to see her that bad.
He seriously just had her
He seriously just had her Sun-Tues and we get her again tonight. After he went on and on about how if he is offered extra time with his daughter he is going to take it and it is messed up that I said she isn't welcome when my family is there I really went off and told him "fine, you want your daughter so badly go get her and her cousin and go to a hotel"...he of course didn't do that and just proceeded to give me the silent treatment all night.
Here is how I deal with
Here is how I deal with people who want to make me the "bad guy" for not accepting something that is not acceptable to me. I OWN it. Yup - I'm the bad buy, and I'm okay with that. Throws them for a loop every single time.
Or the "you don't like my kid/mother/sister". No I'm really not that fond of that person. I just sweetly agree with them rather than argue.
Notasm, those are the times
Notasm, those are the times when I GLEEFULLY refer to myself as Evil Aniki. }:)
Ha, I did own up to and told
Ha, I did own up to and told him exactly why I didn't want her there and why she annoys me but unfortunately it didn't throw SO for a loop or stop the arguing. Instead he is now acting like his poor little princess is a victim of me not wanting her around and I'm terrible for not making her welcome and wanting her there this ONE time! This is seriously the ONLY time I have ever asked him to not have time with his daughter and it wasn't even on his scheduled time. BM offered him extra time and he will always take it if she offers it. I guess him and BM are fighting now too but he wouldn't tell me why and I really don't care. My assumption is that she got mad when he didn't take SD when she offered and she did her usual BS of telling him he is a bad dad and SD should be put first and he is hurting his daughter by not taking her one extra day and not making her priority over everyone else and trying to make him feel guilty for not taking her. Which is BM's MO using SD as a pawn b/c I am sure she only offered the extra time b/c she wanted alone time with her new man. BM NEVER used to be this willing to give up her time with SD.
Tell DH to either take SD
Tell DH to either take SD with him to work. Or arrange for a babysitter for SD. You are not going to have your Repatriation question because of SD
He can't take SD to work with
He can't take SD to work with him. He threw a bigger fit about me not wanting her there an extra night b/c my mom was in town and I wanted to have a nice visit with my mom without her interrupting. It wasn't even his night to have her but b/c BM offered him time he felt he HAD to take it. New Year's Eve is the first time I have told him that during his time I didn't want SD and that is only b/c he leaves for work at 6:30am the next day. He can't just hire a babysitter b/c BM has in the CO that only "approved" sitters are allowed to watch SD...which was basically BM's parents and her friends up until recently. Since this new bf she has been more than willing to let whoever watch SD. She was willing to let my dad and SM watch her the night I had my Co Christmas party recently when she has been gung ho for the past 4 years about not letting my parents or me watch her. My parents didn't want to watch her for the same reasons I no longer want to. Suddenly it is okay now that BM wants a break from SD. If SO had put his foot down 4 years ago on this no one good enough to watch SD BS we wouldn't even be in this position now. Now he expects me to act all happy and privileged that the ex wife is okay with me watching SD...when it is convenient to her! NO THANKS!!!!