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I talked to DH about SIL's blog about me...

shielded2009's picture

Submitted by shielded2009 on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 3:38pm

I knew he'd side with me, but I didn't want him to say anything about me reading her blog...I didn't want her to have the satisfaction of knowing that I actually read her brain vomit...

Background: SIL and MIL have been discussing my "treatment" of SD...They feel like I favor DS. They think that I should love both of the kids the same and that I should do for SD the same that I do for DS...She wrote that she wanted me to read the blog and feels I'm wrong...It's connected to her Facebook...She got graphic with talking about how many bedrooms we have in the house...DS's playroom, taking about how DS's crib is in our room...Just too much information

Anyhoo...All that she feels is way off base...The only view into our lives is based on ME and my FB page...I post all the time about my family...DS, DH and me...I post a TON of pictures for my out of state family to see him...I don't post pictures of SD or talk about her...DH doesn't have a FB at all...

My position has always been one of being disengaged...Early in our relationship I was waaaayyyyy too involved, and the first piece of advice I got was to disengage, and so I have...I've always taken the route that SD is DH's child...Her care and everything is HIS responsibility first and foremost and I assist him as he takes up his responsibility...If he doesn't do, neither do I...So as a result, I've ruffled feather of the folks in his family...Those that think that as the woman I should be cooking and cleaning and dressing and feeding SD...I just shrug and ask, "What was he doing BEFORE I got here? He needs to be doing that..." I don't assume folk's responsibility JUST because I've got a vag...

DH struggled with this initially, but over time, he understands that I'm not kidding...If it's important to him, then he needs to take the initiative to make it happen...If it's NOT important to him, then don't expect it to be important to ME...

So I've taken DS pretty much all over the country...mostly with my mom and sister...SD has never gone...My mom and sister live in Orlando, so DS has been to Disney World like 3 times and he's not even 2 yet...Just a perk of them being in Orlando...*shrugs* MIL and SIL think I should be taking SD as well...MOST of the time DH doesn't even go with me...He's been maybe once or twice...BUT THAT is my family...He knows that if he wants to do stuff, he needs to plan it...

Not to mention, his family does NOTHING for SD...NOTHING...So they expect MY family to do stuff for her to make it "EQUAL" so crazy...

Anyway...I talked to DH about the blog and his words were, "They'd better get it together...It's not been too long that I've been cool with them...They're about to make me not deal with them anymore...

He's disgusted with them...I wasn't going to say anything, but I didn't want him to wonder why I might be looking at them crazy, even though I have vowed within myself not to treat them differently...What I'm not going to do anymore is to try to engage them in DH's life...I'm CONSTANTLY telling him, "Call your mom...Call your sister...When's the last time you talked to them..." It's over...I'm done...and I KNOW my guy...It's going to be a LONG time before he talks to them...

Hate it, but oh the hell well...

Comments

shielded2009's picture

Submitted by shielded2009 on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 4:48pm

I disagree...I hear what you're saying...but it's off, IMO...

Who says she goes without? She has a mother...

Trips to Disney are a perk of visiting DS's grandma and aunt in Florida...Again...DH rarely goes...I go to Florida as mom and sister's calendars permit...Period...It's not scheduled around anything that that has to do with SD...That's asinine...

Also...I'm a step kid myself and this is how I grew up and I didn't have an issue with it...My dad remarried and my brother and sister went to Los Angeles ALL the time to visit their mom's family...We didn't go...They went to Disneyland several times a year...*shrugs*...My sister and I didn't have an issue with their trips...First and foremost, we didn't live with my dad...we visited him (as SD doesn't live with us) and secondly, it was their mom's family...I never once thought that was an environment I should have been inserted into...

I disagree with the notion of do for one...do for the other...NOPE...You TEACH children the reality of what is going on at the level that they understand, and they will be fine...I was taught that and I've got no issue with it or my dad or my step mom...*shrugs*

And SIL is wrong all the way around...Her views on how I run my house has nothing to do with her...any word about it makes her wrong IMO...I don't tolerate people in my business...at all...So me being right or wrong in her eyes is a non issue and not a point of discussion...

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 5:05pm

Why would she take her SD to visit her family? If she wants to fine, but she is under no obligation to do so. If DH wanted that he could make the effort. These kids are not equal and that is reality. Sucks for them, yes, but it is not our job as stepparents to make their life equal.

My BS doesn't get to go on the trips that they go on with the BM? Why would he? It can never be equal and life isn't fair. Better to learn it now...

As for SIL, your husband needs to have a nice conversation with her and staying out of your family business and insist that she take it down. Sorry, but my SIL and BIL recently overstepped on something and now none of them can come visit. They tried and I told DH no. I don't see my opinion on them changing anytime soon.

majka's picture

Submitted by majka on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 7:59am

Agreed... I would NEVER take my skids on a trip to visit my family if my husband was not going... that is craziness, they are NOT MY CHILDREN, I have NO legal rights over them. What if something were to happen when I took these kids out of state without their father?!

Insanity, and your in-laws are all insane. I like the stand you take on all these issues.... The craziness that I read on this site is amazing!

And really... the child HAS A MOTHER.... and its not you. If they are so concerned about these trips, then they should take the child themselves!

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 5:33pm

I guess my question is, well, where the hell is SDs mom? Why can't her BM take her to do that stuff?

I take my daughter to do all kinds of stuff. Both my daughters. And let me preface this by saying I LOVE my stepdaughters. We are custodial. I treat them as well as I can. But they have mothers and those mothers have visitation. When they're gone, it's my time with my daughters. We do mani pedis, go to lunch, raid the Build a Bear Workshop, go clothes shopping, etc. And when I have to get a bunch of crap
about my SDs not going the first words out of my mouth are "that sounds like you're
volunteering!" Their grandparents and aunts and
moms can take them to do whatever they think the kid should be doing! I'd be glad to see it! But I am ONE person!

shielded2009's picture

Submitted by shielded2009 on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 9:29pm

BM taking her daughter places? Dunno...

She's got her mom's family and DH's family that can and should be doing stuff with her...and not looking crazy at MY family because they do stuff with DS...

And yeah...You're right...people have a lot to say, but they're not doing anything...

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 6:21pm

I, too, have a nasty sil who while doesnt post publicly on facebook prefers the more subtle nasty text messages. She, too, feels she has the right to tell my dh that he should leave me and my and our child together and go live alone with ss as that is what my ss wants. She has never had anything to do with my ss. Years have gone by that she hasnt seen him. She doesnt do holidays with him, doesnt get him presents, nothing. She has no clue what has gone on in MY family over years time, but seems to think she has a right to throw her 2 cents in.

I'd like to tell her to shut the f up! When she first started texting dh-I was so tempted to text her ass back myself or send her a message, but I finally decided to not even dignify any of her immature behavior with a comment. It's none of her business, I am not going to justify mine and dh's decisions, our choices, nothing. My dh has not spoken to her in several months because of this. He did try and call her and talk with her about this and she hung up on him. ? Wow-like he has done something to her. She has 4 kids by three different men and is with none of their fathers-she has been a drug addict, is jobless, and may still be using drugs for all I know. She takes money from her mommy every month to pay her bills (which, gee, has necessitated mil asking US for loans)-and she has also borrowed money from us sevreal times and either does not pay us back or spends years paying us back. But, yeah, she's got a right to comment on mine and dh's life.

Good for your dh for ignoring her rudeness.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 6:43pm

>>>I don't assume folk's responsibility JUST because I've got a vag...<<<
Yes, this exactly.