Activities with SD
SD is boring. She would rather watch a video of another kid playing with toys than play herself. Entertaining her is a 24/7 chore when we have her. She's 9 so she thinks anything an adult is interested in is so uncool. DH and I are into geocaching and so is my family. Geocaching is so very uncool but be have fun with it. We went together with my parents this weekend and the next time DH has SD he wants to do it with her. DH saw my dad and me sharing wonderful times and he wants the same with his daughter. The only difference is SD is not going to like this. This kid whines when we walk too much and hates hiking. BM dresses her in designer clothes and SD hates to be dirty, she is very much an indoor kid and a princess girlie girl. She freaks out if she sees a butterfly fly 10 feet from her. Geocaching involves walking in the mud, digging through bushes and probably encountering spiders. She's going to hate it.
So I am not looking forward to sharing DH's and My special hobby with SD because she is going have a bad time. However, we are in kind of a tight spot for money currently and DH has become a lot less indulgent with SD (thank goodness). SD would prefer our visits consist of nothing but going to the movies, eating out or going to a resort of amusement park (cheap stuff right?). Anyway perhaps there is a silver lining. I've noticed the pattern that if DH does not indulge SD in doing whatever she wants and instead does something that we all might enjoy then we don't see her for a while. BM and SD will give some reason to skip the next visit unless DH agrees to take her to a resort or SD's favorite restaurant or some other expensive indulgent thing. If we go stomping through the woods then it is a good possibility I won't see SD until Christmas. I once suggested a museum instead of a movie (it's not great bonding time sitting in the dark not talking..) and we didn't see SD for over a month after.
Am I obligated to let DH know what he is getting into or should I sit back and let it happen?
- SeeYouNever's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Sit back, let it happen, and
Sit back, let it happen, and try not to insert yourself to much while he is enjoying his bonding time with SD. Worst case you already know the outcome, SD will be miserable. Best case maybe she might actually enjoy it.
Yes just sit back. However,
Yes just sit back. However, an 11 year old doesn't get to decide to stay home during dad's time so you husband needs to be enforcing his visitation unless he really doesn't care about seeing his kid.
I second the "sit back" too.
I second the "sit back" too. He is likely to see any advice you give him as a criticism of her and become defensive. Even if you are right and he knows it, the parental instinct to protect their young will result in him having less than positive vibes towards you.
However, I wouldn't see anything wrong with suggesting other things that she might enjoy as other things they could do on her weekends.
Like "Geocaching is so much fun... she might like it... I know she would love to learn how to bake a cake and decorate it too.. or whatever "girly" thing you can think of".
And as someone else said... I don't think he should let her off the hook so easy on visitation at 11 yo.
DH is very not girlie. SD
DH is very not girlie. SD likes to do girlie stuff with me but this is time she should be spending with him. DH does like going shopping but SD hates it. He gets bummed when he is reminded that they have little in common and they really are becoming opposites.
Well, you know.. sometimes
Well, you know.. sometimes parents and kids don't have a lot in common. i actually have relatively little in common with my dad. I had more in common with my mom I think, but even then, there were things that she and I didn't see eye to eye on.
Ya know, it's ok to be different. Just like my eyeroll post where my DH mentioned that "how I feel about OSD".. because she and I don't have much in common. Not everyone needs to be on the same page, but certainly, parents need to be the leaders, not the followers when it comes for planning family activities.
I didn't love everything we did with my parents (too much "history lesson" stuff for my case.. many a battlefield visited from the US to Europe).. but i was a kid, I went where they took me and when I got old enough to be independent, I did my own thing.
So, let him take her Geocaching... but if she doesn't like it, she can at least learn how to 'not like it" in a way that doesn't make everyone miserable. And maybe they do that and then go home and bake brownies with pink sprinkles?
Why not encourage him to find
Why not encourage him to find something a girly girl might want to do?
Just let that happen and let
Just let that happen and let DH find out on his own.
My MSS and OSS stopped coming over because DH's whole world did not revolve around them every second they were here. We were tight on money when we first moved in together and taking 4 boys (my BS and 3 SS's) out to eat or to the movie was very expensive. Especially considering three of the boys ate like grown men. So we opted to stay home and do things at the house. Cookouts, play games, watch movies. On rare times we would go out to eat or movies but not every weekend.
BM felt we were horrible because we didn't indulge their every desire. OSS stopped coming first. About a year after MSS stopped coming. YSS has always been content just staying home and hanging out. But now that we have more money, we can go do more. I am seeing BM is starting to dote on YSS now. I predict he will be turned against us within the next year. He is reaching the age that she did this to the older two.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Kids need to learn the whole world does not stop when they want something.
That's kind of what's
That's kind of what's happening here. SD wants to skip visits because BM planned vacations or parties during that time. DH feels like he is depriving SD of these social events by taking his time with her. We are well off but BMs family is rich and spends all summer out of the country or in the Hamptons while we get maybe one
I miss the days when kids
I miss the days when kids were responsible for entertaining themselves.
Sometimes I just want to tell
Sometimes I just want to tell SD "If you're bored then you're boring!"
"If you're bored then you're
"If you're bored then you're boring!"
Yep! I didn't expect parents to entertain me but my dad is well off so we did to quite a bit and I always loved 1:1 with my mom.
It's parent's own doing.
It's parent's own doing. Please don't take this as an attack on the OP but when you've raised a child to depend on you for even basic thing of course they will continue to do so.
On top of this dad has let the child pick and chose if she will come for visitation basically telling her is ok to expect this kind of stuff.
What a disservice we do to children now. We fear letting them be board, expecting them to do stuff for themselves, or even show basic good behavior.
SO's kids know better than to expect us to do everything. His daughter as 7 tried one time pouting because "I thought we were going to do something." This was after we'd already gone out to eat, gone to the mall, and both kids had gotten a bear from build a bear. Flat out told her if she wanted to cry I would be taking the bear away because clearly she didn't value it. She has not complained about 'not doing anything' again.
I guess it sucks we can't go
I guess it sucks we can't go back to the old way. In an intact family you can tell your kid...
"Oh, your bored? I have a few things for you to do... come here and take a look at the bathroom.. see that toilet brush? get to work.. oh and then here is the windex for the mirror and the mop for the floor. When you are done cleaning that up.. come to me if you are still "bored"." Ya know.. we always found something to do after that.
Yes, ESMOD, my exact thoughts
Yes, ESMOD, my exact thoughts every time SD says she is bored (basically every visit b/c we don't run around entertaining her). My 3yo self entertains better than her and she is 10! Drives me crazy. For a long time I just let DAAADEEE deal with her boredom complaints but as much as I try to disengage it is sometimes hard after hearing the same complaint constantly so I have told her several times that if she is that bored she can do the dishes or clean her room or some other chore....and guess what she disappears to her room almost instantly after that! LOL
No, let DH figure it out for
No, let DH figure it out for himself, then you aren't the bad guy.
Gah, I am so glad my 7 year old is fun. We run races together, go hiking together, ride bikes together, he helps me at horse shows (even though he has no interest in the horses) we play board games and card games etc., and he rides his 4 wheeler and plays with the dogs and finds his own crap to do at home if I am busy.. AND he has a metal detector and loves to walk around our property with it looking for goodies. I should let you take him geocaching with you, he'd love it and appreciate it!!
He sounds like fun! SD will
He sounds like fun!
SD will sit at our table among a stack of games, toys and coloring books but look at us and ask "what are we doing?" Literally every other kid that has ever come in our house gets right into this stuff and goes to town. It's stored at kid level for a reason! She will not even go into our yard unless her dad goes with her (I guess I am not as responsible enough adult!) She's not dumb or anything she just needs so much hand holding that it is mentally exhausting! BM has her life very structured and it's really sapped her creativity, independent thinking and confidence. It's more than can be corrected in a weekend.
This could be my SD. BM never
This could be my SD. BM never leaves her house so SD has adopted her sedentary lifestyle. DH gets frustrated because SD is, well.... Boring.
You described my life with my
You described my life with my SSs. If it doesn't involve an arcade, going out to eat, or buying them things, they would much rather watch YouTube.
On a related note, DH kept telling me he wanted to do active things with his kids and I suggested geocaching. I think it looks like fun and there are a lot of places near us to do it. I thought it could be something we all planned out together and used it as a way to explore new places together. I even suggested that my present to my SSs (before DH and I were married) be a GPS device to use for geocaching, one that they could control. I couldn't get him to show any interest.