When will they see it? IF EVER?
My SDs are 8 and 9 years old. Very adorable and very sweet most of the time. They genuinely like me very much and on occasion at bedtime they tell me they love me. I knew I loved them several months ago, but waited until they could say it to me so as not to make them feel "forced" into saying it.
Anyway, what I want to know is that I have people tell me all the time that one day the girls will wake up and see what their BM really is: she uses people to get what she wants, she is completely unreliable, undependable, inconsistent, unorganized, forgetful, she's a manipulator, totally dependent on the men around her (father, current BF, ex-BFs, and male "friends"), she says mean and nasty things about the people around her and I have all ready seen the girls do this with their friends, (maybe that's normal for girls their age, but I don't remember that far back.)
Sometimes, I will see a look on the girl's faces when I will say things like: "well, you'll be with your mommy that day and she will have to take care of that." (whatever "that" is, school project, buy something, take them somewhere) The look on their faces tells me that they are all ready becoming aware of their BM's shortcomings. I guess the older they get, they will realize more, and as sad as that is, I guess I will just have to remain the consistent, dependable, and responsible parent in their lives. They will ALWAYS love their mother and I would never want their BM to damage them so severely that they would feel unloved by their mother (I couldn't imagine anything worse to do to a child.) I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for here. I know it sounds like I'm "hoping" the skids will see their mother for what she really is, but that sounds absolutely horrible as I sit here and read it. That is why I sometimes "pick up the slack" for an irresponsible BM - IT IS for the kids.
Any feedback will be appreciated, but I feel like I just helped myself immensely while writing this.
Thanks for giving me the forum.
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Welcome to my world.....
as a SM to three skids who now live with us 24/7....my life as a stepmom started out like yurs.....but the more responsibility I took on as to the raising of these kids - cuz lets face it...r we really going to stand by and allow these kids to be neglected?, the less BM did to the point that she ended up abandoning them (yea, I know....its horrible, but I guess she had to run from who she really was) anyway...I can tell u that they do get it...when they are older...u just keep being the stable Mom for those kids and u will see....now this is heartbreaking....this past mother's day, my little one made me a collage and it said "Thanks for being the mom I always wanted. When you married to my Dad (lol) all my dreams came true"....and just so maybe u can understand how these kids feel...my ss, now 16 said it best...."I love my Mom because she is my Mom and you are supposed to love your Mom. I just don't like the person she is."....so yea,,,they do get it eventually
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Mother's day card
that almost made me cry........and I can all ready see some little things here and there.
Sometimes, if given a choice, going with BM, daddy, or me - they will pick me every time. They love their parents, but they really, really LIKE me. And I'm not a "spoiler". I am pretty strict with them when it comes to bedtimes, homework, reading, baths, eating healthy, but they know I do it because I care about them. I am a consistent person in their lives. I don't have to be "wishy-washy" like so many divorced parents are because of the guilt of divorce. I didn't divorce any one of their parents, so they know that I'm here because I want to be and they know I am a steady force behind them every step of the way.
OPEN EYES
Yes they will one day see her for what she truly is if they are guided by the truth. I know this because I am a SM to a SS and his father and I have sole custody. She has supervised visitation. He knows what she is and how she is...In trying to turn him against us she has pushed him closer.BUT--- They will always remain loyal to her to some extent. If anything they may even one day begin to think it is their job to save her or take care of her. Watch out for this it is very distructive.
-IAMTHEMOM
I am a grown up stepdaughter...
I see my BM for what she is and was. Growing up, and still, I loved/love her unconditionally, but I know who actually MOTHERED me. My stepmom took care of me, and with out her, I would not have grown up to be the woman I am. Your stepkids will see it. Don't worry. Also, even through all the horrible things my BM did to me, I never felt unloved by her. So they won't actually have to go through feeling unloved to realize what you've done. Trust me, all your hard work will be worth it.
With tears in my eyes.........
Thank you all for your great supportive advice. I loved what FutureSM had to say and I was very relieved by the fact that you never felt unloved by your BM. That makes me feel a lot better. For those of us who had wonderful loving mothers and didn't grow up in a step-family, we don't know how children "could" feel about their parents.
It's very new territory for some of us who had parents who actually stayed together and love each other very much.
I will just continue to do what I do and just "be there."
Thanks again!
The last year has been crazy
The last year has been crazy with my ss9. We had went to therapy for a little while and the therapist said ss9 actually resented me because I do the things he wishes his MOM would do. So then we were recommended to tell him the truth about his mother and that made it even worse. I think it just depends on the child. Most kids do eventually see who takes care of them. Don't get too caught up in picking up the slack for BM because then it will be expected from you and may eventually bite you in the butt. Children will always love thier BIO parents (as they should). It seems you are doing a good job, just be careful.
UGH- picking up the slack. Too true!
CSong40,
Truer words were never spoken! Where the heck were you six years ago to give DH & I this advice???
WHen DHs ex left the marriage, she adopted a new, selfish attitude with the girls once she met her new "Mr. Wonderful":
"Don't you want ME to be happy??"
And what that boiled down to was her doing NOTHING for the girls (then 12, 10 and 7) when she and DH divorced. By the time I came into the picture, DH DID EVERYTHING for them, and I quickly assisted, as we had them on a 50-50 custody schedule.
Homework, shopping, practices, activities (oh BOY- there were a LOT of activities!) all were done on OUR TIME. They forgot something at BMs? WE drove then over to get it. They forgot something at DHs house? We dropped it off at BMs house.
At what happened in the end? The bar was raised SO incredibly high for US, that if we ever DARED to say "NO" even once, we were looked at as "the bad guys". Meanwhile, lazy POS BM was ALWAYS seen as "Mother Earth Incarnate".
Watch out, a combination of PAS AND DENIAL is a powerful thing.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
A lot of people here pick up
A lot of people here pick up the slack for the BMs. And I think it is the right thing to do, we are SMs. We should be filling where the BMs can not or will not IMHO. I am luck and so is SD that she has a good mom, sometimes BM acts like a psycho but she is good to SD. I fill in very little, I am the mother figure at my home for her.
You sound like you are doing a good job by helping when you can, I am glad you are. The girls appreicate it now and will in the future.
You are doing it for them and DH.