Punished for BM's Actions
Hi All,
I recently posted this as a response to another thread and then realized I should just blog it because I have so much more to say and didn't want to overrun someone's thread. I have a SD (10) who is a good kid and I can see she's starting to be pulled back and forth (mostly her mother's doing).
My partner is terrified of having children again because he never wants someone else to have the kind of power over him that BM does. He's terrified that if we have kids I'll change, or we'll fail and then he'll be stuck with two BMs that will drain his cash, time, and stop him from being able to parent his children the way he would like. She got him in a one night stand and it infuriates me, because he holds me to an insane standard that I feel like I can only prove wrong with a crystal ball, like "See? I'm not trying to get pregnant and leech off your money". If we fight he never ceases to remind me that "he's being critical of my role in our relationship" and that "he's making note of this for if we had kids". Everything is scrutenized this way. His fears are ridiculous because I'm completely financially independant and make more than him, and I had the opportunity to trap my ex-fiance and I didn't (and he was a real piece of work). I own my own home, pay my own crap, and he admits I'm the best partner he's ever had. I get the fear and I can respect it because I would end up having a lot of control, but the point of picking a good partner is making sure you have someone you can work with, and we're that in every way.
This has made me hate BM even more because I feel like she just gets to flounce around with his money and his child and because of her, I don't get to have a child of my own with him. When I see her my blood boils because I'm probably never going to have a child with him but she gets to when she's a complete loser and I'm judged on her horrible actions. This is the only thing that has ever made me feel negatively about SD because she is a reminder that I'm probably a clown for staying. I don't see how I will get past this feeling. At this point it's made me question wanting a child with him because he doesn't seem to think I'm worth it.
Basically: this is what really turned my feelings for BM to hate, my feelings about my partner to ambivalence, and my feelings about SD to disconnection. We'll see what happens.
Has anyone gone through this?
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Comments
Have you pointed out that
Have you pointed out that kids with you would have your DNA not BM's? If having kids is a deal breaker for you then state it and make it happen for yourself one way or another. If that means leaving him and finding a better partner then that might need to happen.
He is insulting your integrity. He has legit fears and you have yet to make them fade. There's a lot to unpack in this situation. Therapy might help highlight the disconnect you two have.
I'm kind of at this point. I
I'm kind of at this point. I'm 30 this year and I really don't want to waste more time than I need to. I've told myself I'm going to use the rest of quarantine to make a decision and get things in order in case of a split. I really do love him and in so many ways he's a fantastic partner, but I'm not sure I can live with the distrust and the implication that I'm a monster, especially after everything we've been through over the years. It's really disconnected me from him and turned it from "I love you and you're the one" to "if he goes, he goes.". It would still hurt like hell but I can feel my heart actually closing. Even if I never have kids and am single, I feel like it would be better because at least it's not because he's rejecting me. Not sure if anyone else has felt this.
He sounds pretty damaged and
He sounds pretty damaged and bitter. He should go to therapy to sort it out and figure out what he wants before you waste too much time, when you could be starting your own family.
I agree. It's definitely
I agree. It's definitely damaged him and he's aware of it and actually does have many moments where he apologizes, says what he'll do differently, and actually follows through. It's one of the things I really love about him but it seems this kids issue is too big for him to get over by himself.
When we first got together he told me kids were non-negotiable. I know he wants more, it's just this fear killing him (and us).
Does he want more? I don't
Does he want more? I don't know for sure but it sounds like a bait and switch to me.
If he wants more children so bad, then he should seek counselling so he can get past his extreme issues.
Also, as hard as is it is to hear, he is being emotionally abusive. Maybe the counselling he should get will help him realize that.
Don't waste your life not having children, if that is what you want. And certainly not with this abusive man.
I am not sure why you resent
I am not sure why you resent BM or SD. Its your SO who doesn't think he can trust you enough to have a kid with. Your SO has essentially put you on the same level as BM. You should be pi$$ed at him for thinking so little of you.
He sounds like he needs counseling. If you want kids, you should really take stock of your relationship.
The part about when they
The part about when they fight he says he's making note of it in case they have kids sounds like emotional abuse. He knows how badly she wants them and he dangles it like a carrot over her head. Like the privilege of having his baby is something she has to continually work for.
OP, you sound like the prize that should be worked for in this relationship. Not him.
I agree with this. I've said
I agree with this. I've said before that it's unfair and he's asking for something impossible. I think this is the part that really gets me because if I flipped it on him, he'd sulk. I'm being critical too though, he just hasn't caught on. If this keeps up to the end of quarantine that's it.
Like "hmmm, maybe I don't
Like "hmmm, maybe I don't want my partner being hyper critical of everything to do with our child either if we have one. Maybe I want a partner who sees that I'm a good person and loves that".
What is his hypothetical
What is his hypothetical criticism now? Mine tells me "you know she needs xyz" and "you know you will need to xyz for her". It feels like unsolicited parenting advice and I'm her primary parent.
It's not really resentment
It's not really resentment for SD, it's more like she's a glimpse of what I'll never have for real. I love her to bits and she's a really good kid, but it feels like a cruel tease.
BM I hate because she has the nerve to think he should be with her when she's the one that did this. She did it intentionally which is the worst part, we found out. If she hadn't done it, he wouldn't have this dinner plate on his shoulder. It crushes me because he's been in tears over how badly he wants a family and had the same tears about his fears. I know it's not entirely intentional although it's definitely manipulative. I think if we're going to make it out of quarantine I'll be making therapy non-negotiable.
We do have a child together
We do have a child together but I would have left earlier if I was not able to have her. But in a way we did go through this. He said he was afraid I would do what BM did after having a kid - quit my job, hold down the couch, spend more money than I was bringing in, be a ghost seeing nut job, etc.
About a month before my IUD was scheduled to come out so we could start making a baby, BM was doing her ignorant high conflict stuff and stressing him out and he made a comment he didn't want to deal with 2 women stressing him out. Thats the other thing, I couldnt have disagreements with my husband b/c she consumed his stress level that there wasn't any left for him to deal with issues we had between each other.
What do you want most, be with him or to have a child? Don't have kids with him though. Find someone who looks at you as a great person to have a kid with instead as a potential anchor.
This sounds very similar to
This sounds very similar to us. When we've sat down and talked about it he's said "you're my partner that I love, All we have to be is pleasant for each other to be with", but sometimes we'll both be stressed and angry and fight. It's inevitable!! I don't care that she's making trouble. Brush off her idiocy and focus on the relationship you want to keep!!
He's projecting his failures onto you both
Of course if bm cheated she's a pos. However there is always reasons why things fail and it takes two to tango. It worries me that he is not taking ownership and lives in fear of a woman wronging him!
I'm my case hubby was always 'poor me she left Coz she could do better :(' she couldn't she hasn't, but he misdirected his pride at working out n taking protein. I think she left Coz he's prone to lack of energy and ambition, not Coz he's physically skinny lol. So it just took a bit of coaxing and kicking up the bum to be more adventurous plucky and energetic! We've done and seen more than they ever did in 14yrs but hey she didn't communicate. Get to the bottom of his insecurities and even her issues with him if they transpire, and work on them
One of the things that DH and
One of the things that DH and I talked about on our 1st date was kids. We both had 2. We both had been divorced 2x. He did not want more kids- my tubes were tied and I had no desire either. BUT that was a mutual decision.
I would have a hard time not having a family of my own because of someone's ex.
Not that this is even remotely comparable to what you are talking about but a hot button- probably the only thing that pisses me off about my husband is that he won't vacuum. He won't because BM2 would berate him for doing it wrong. Then go behind him and do it again. I keep telling him- for almost 5 years now- that I AM NOT BM. I would appreciate his help anytime he is willing to give it and with 3 teens, 2 dogs and a cat- running the vacuum while I am cooking dinner would take something off my plate. I don't know how to get it through his head. It is like once they experience something so negative they won't try again with someone who is different. I guess that is why they call it baggage.
My husband was married 14+ years to an abusive
Hcgubm narcissistic personality disordered woman, batshit crazy... you name it!!! She was all of it!!
she saw hubby as a free paycheck to go on shopping sprees and as a sahm did bugger all at home. Eventually my husband’s family especially his dad told him to divorce her as she was sabotaging his career.
he did divorce her and did have 2 girlfriends after who both cheated on him, had lovers on the side, lied to him, stole from him... my husband had in total 4 women (gf’s and wife) who screwed him over and felt the world was full of women like this.
he refused to allow his family to hook him up with someone as he believed they were all two-faced!! He got introduced to me by a mutual friend and he saw a big difference. I was myself always, we were pretty much on the same page and he learnt to love again.
I know he did in early stages have some hesitation regarding exwife how she robbed him, stole from him etc.... and that this could be me but he saw i was completely different. Women in his country are already thinking of an exit strategy before they marry and screw a man for money before they marry and demand half and more of everything even when they haven’t been a wife or mother. They neglect parenting their kids or being a wife but they feel entitled to everything of the exhusband for the privilege of using their uterus to have kids...
my husband saw me thinking of our future together and even now 5.5 yrs on we are still re-evaluating and adjusting our plans as we go and building a future together. Skids and exwife do not think like that. Its always milk everyone for what ots worth and eff off!!
your partner still has resentment issues of his previous life and baggage that he is bringing into this new relationship. He hasn’t kept an open mind. He really needs to see a therapist to work through things but most men because of he macho ego complex struggle to go see a therapist.
i asked my husband early on in our relationship when we were getting serious if he wanted kids and he said he did if things did work out
actually one of my husband’s bosses remarried and actually wanted to divorce his wife and marry a younger woman who was his exgf and was a divorcee with 1 kid on the condition they not have kids which my husband said was stupid and selfish for any man to impose on a young woman who in this case clearly would want kids. He just wanted her for the sex. This boss of his because of his marital relationship issues was bringing it into the workplace and my husbands superiors they thought maybe my husband could talk to him as me and my husband have quite an age gap and because we had kids together but my husband refused. When you are too narrow minded and stubborn, nothing can change in your eyes. Its your way only and thats a selfish way to behave in a relationship.
don’t waste your child bearing years on a horrible partner if he treats you with disrespect and like shit!!