Why?
Why do so many people married to prior relationship breeders waste so much time, energy, and their happiness on delving into why their SO's X is toxic and their SO's prior failed family breeding experiments are ill behaved PITA wastes of reproductive fluids, or why our own SOs are incapable of behaving decently towards us?
Why do those married to failed wives, husbands, and parents tolerate the seemingly endless crap that comes along with the choice of SO?
When the the problem is flashing in giant red letters with blaring horns, why do so many in blended family marriages ignore the easy and direct action to confront the crappy behaviors at their source and instead spend year after year after year on the why while the crappy behaviors continue?
IMHO the why really doesn't matter. What matters is the what. The what in the blended family world being the choices of behavior that the toxic players make. That includes choices made by SOs, their Xs and their failed family breeding experiments. There is no excuse or even a reason for why these people choose to act as they do. What matter is that they do.
For those married to these people with the seemingly never ending toxic baggage and who often pile their toxic crap on their new partner, the what is the choice to not confront it all the time every time the toxic morons in the mix ply their shitty behavior.
So rather than why do they do it?... Why do "we" tolerate it instead of making the consequences of the crappy behavioral choices so painful and unpleasant that the perpetrators would either never try it again or would just leave if they chose not to stop? They can figure out their own why. We bring the pain and don't care obout their why.
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Comments
I wonder if it’s
That the step-something's don't realize how far they will have to go/push/sink to bring enough pain for things to change.
I will be advising my kids
I will be advising my kids never to date someone with kids. My DH will back me up, that was one of his own rules when he was divorced (hypocrite).
In my case there was a lot of
In my case there was a lot of fear involved. There is the stereotype wicked SM a label no-one wants. I didn't see myself as that, it is not me, but it was from other people's perspective.
Example the first time I had cause to discipline one of my husbands children, I took a handheld gaming system away from them and told them they could get it back the next day, my DH gave the (then) child it back that evening. I had raised my own children I did not view it as a harsh punishment until my DH saved their child from me, the overly harsh wicked SM Throw in a few more similar type events and there you have the beginnings of the label sticking, in my head. "He thinks I am an evil SM"
No-one wants that label. At least not in the early days when you actually care about making this work..
And if that is how your DH is viewing you then how about the children and the extended family? The extended family, though uninvolved and disinterested mainly, DID offer their opinions on how I was with the children. Allbeit they spoke of me nicely, (at least to DH) however what a strange situation that your husband's siblings should voice their opinions on his wife so freely anyway. In a traditional nuclear family I never had anyone comment on my then husbands fathering skills. But in these step situations it seems every asshole has an opinion and a right to voice it. I have minded friends children other friends didnt chime in with an opinion on how I was with the children. It all felt very alien to me and then you become more aware that everyone is judging you and everyone seems to have a right to judge you.
So you hit problems with the childrens behaviour and you seek internet information and when you read around there you see how they all seem to think you are evil. Wow. You are not trying hard enough.
You are getting a lot of bad feedback from children primed against you, the guilty DH saving his children from you, the internet stepfamily advice blogs telling you you need to love them more/be more sympathetic Read around, other than here, the advice is never for the DH to get his kids to behave it's always the wicked SM has to try harder. It's all wrong.
Normally, you'd just say stuff this, but in step situations you go around trying to do the best for children as per advice, they are poor damaged children give them more love.
UNTIL you think fk the advice, to hell with these children they are assholes, my DH is behaving like an asshole and you type into the google "I hate my stepchildren" and you find the only place of sanity and honesty in the entire stepworld. Steptalk.
The sanity returns slowly, when you stop using the general societal advice to stepmothers and second wives.
This. Thank you for writing
This. Thank you for writing this. So spot on and validating.
There was also a lot of fear
There was also a lot of fear that my husbands children would fall out with him and greatly hurt him citing me as the cause. This fear lessened with time and my almost total disengagement. I did see it coming from their threats.
At the moment both adults are not speaking to him and he is totally estranged from one. I am sympathetic towards DH .
But nobody wants to be the reason a family fall out. So that fear led to me putting up with more than I should have in earlier years.