OMG! You must be my super-twin! One of the things my FH said told him I was the one for him was my vast collection of power tools, including an air compressor with multiple nail guns, a sawsall, a table saw, a tile saw, multiple sanders, and a selection of drills.

I've also got the Irish street cred; I've got family back in the home country and have even been to see the old family farmstead. It was a fabulous trip! The only downside is that I can never seem to get a tan...;)

Great to meet you Katrinkie! And it's good to know I don't swim in a sea of confusion alone!

I've never been to South Africa; the closest I ever got was Cameroon. I learned more in 4 days there than I learned in all my educational years put together. Now I feel even more lucky than before to know I'm connecting with people with such diverse experiences!

When I was an undergrad, I spent a summer working in a German hotel in a (mostly failed) attempt to improve my German language skills (now long lost). I remember meeting a woman from South Africa while I was there, and being totally blown away by her ability to speak flawless German as well as flawless French and English. She told me it was the SA schools that gave her these advantages; I've been curious about SA ever since; it seems that while the world has spent a lot of time focusing on the political negatives, there are a lot of positives there that get overlooked in the hype!

So let me pose a specific question:

SS15 is attending a private, catholic high school that his mother is paying for (even though the Catholic heritage is on his father's side of the family). He is doing passably in most courses, but has a challenge with homework in general, and biology and english in particular. After some discussion with him, and him saying he needed help, I went out and found him a biology tutor and and english tutor. So, the two weeks go by, and he comes back here again. I check on his grades before he gets here, and find that he's got several pieces of homework that weren't turned in and some scary test grades. FH didn't take the lead, so I did. I did a full writeup of his grades for each class, listing number of assignments and their grades, as well as tests and their grades. At the bottom of each page, I left space for him to write up an action plan to either improve the grade (like his english grade, which is currently an F) or maintain the grade (art, which is a and had him come up with his own ideas on improvement. The SS and I discussed the grades and action plans and agreed on them. And when we were done, I said "SS, your father and I are committed to your education. We will do whatever it takes to make your efforts successful. The key here, though, is your efforts. If you don't put in the effort, we cannot hold you up and will not try. For example, if you choose not to do homework, our efforts to support you by paying for tutors is pointless and won't continue. A tutor can't take the place of you doing your work."

Did I give FH an easy out of raising his own kid by pushing this? Was I too hard on the SS? None of this was said in anger, just matter-of-fact; if you don't work, nothing we do will make you successful so there's no point in pushing.

How did you know that the idea of contacting the BM won't get out of my head?!? Either you're psychic, or you've been there! Either way, it's great to meet you and I'm getting more and more grateful I've found this forum!

FH and BM have the most toxic relationship I've ever heard of, and I'm the product of truly hideous and drawn-out divorce. While sometimes I think I could do some good by opening up a communication channel, I have an instinctual understanding that going there is about the same as picking up a piece of weapons-grade plutonium and eating it for lunch. Can we say death by toxicity?!?! Your advice above just drives that point home...so thank you!

I really want FH to step up to the plate with his kids, and raise them the way I think will make them happy productive adults. He does step up in a lot of ways; he's the disciplinarian (chores not done? wrath of dad! backtalking? wrath of dad! not doing what they're told? wrath of dad!), he manages their meals and other requirements, but when it comes to school he just can't seem to pick up the ball and run with it. I think you're absolutely right, that if I start to parent I run a whole passel of risks. I'm trying to hold at a line of "concerned and supportive individual who cares about you and wants to help you get the future you want for yourself, but isn't a complete pushover either."