I am completly lost
Tonight we go to pick up the kids i dread the drive because we never get home till late.I am already feeling sick to my stomach just to think of having to pull up in front of her house.I am not a hateful person but i hate her.My husband will not talk about his past to me because he says i am always trying to compare does anyone else do this?We are trying to have our own child but no luck this past year i am going to be going to a fertility clinic but it saddens me that he had 2 kids with her and we are having such a hard time.Sometimes i think that he doesnt care because he already has 2 kids i dont know if i am overreacting but he never asks when do i have an appointment or anything like that.Am i having jealous feelings?I have been by his side through all our issues with his ex and kids but even when i try to talk with him he just says things like stop digging or stop comparing.Dont get me wrong my husband is a wonderful person but i dont know if he is feeling guilty about leaving her.He initially left because she has had countless affairs on him.He pretends that none of it happened and he says it is all erased from his mind can this be true?I only question this because he does not want to stand up for me to her his answer is he doesnt want to talk to or about her and it wouldnt do anything because she is a mental case.I dont know what to think.
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I think that you husband may
I think that you husband may be right in keeping that information from you IF you use it to compare…someone in the forum spoke about this not too long ago. Often we have more information then we need…more then is healthy/helpful…you have to ask yourself why you want to know these things…do you find yourself bringing them back up later like “well you just do/say XYZ b/c of XYZ” (something that he told you about him and his ex)….men don’t like to confide in us if we are going to use it against them later. I found that out the hard way with my husband. He might say “oh Susie at work said that she liked the cologne you bought me for Christmas” and I say “that was nice” but I store it subconsciously and then when we are having a spat I might say “well maybe you should just put that cologne on that Susie likes and go to work to see if SHE will cook for you”…I made that up but you know what I mean…that is what we do and when we do that, they get “afraid” to tell us things.
So basically, I would say, think about WHY you want to know so badly…also, regarding the baby, I feel your pain there. Ask skye22 for the link that she has to an ovulation calendar and fertility site…it has some really good information…she was trying for a while before they got pregnant too…
Make a GREAT Day!
i am feeling with you, as i
i am feeling with you, as i have been in the same situation. many times it happened that we picked up or dropped off his daughter at his exwifes house. sometimes it was a bad situation as we were coming from dinner or the movies and it would have not made sense to drop me off first. every time the gate to the driveway opened, my stomack would churn and i would feel a knot inside me, i would sit quietly in the car, not being introduced to the nanny, or his stepkids( who of course life with his ex). neither have i ever met the ex. i would feel so weird and helpless, i felt every time we went there,he would go back to his past. my fiance is pretty open with his past and told me many things which i think is important, still he has trouble combining his past and his new life.
anyhow, at some point i just told him that i dont want to ever go to his exwifes house anymore. even when we spent the evening all together he would drop me off at a coffeeshop then drop her off and come to get me afterwards. it feels much better. i just dont want to be involved in all this bad vibe. i think you shouldnt be either. why?
to get back to him not telling you about the past: i dont neccessary agree with the other posts, that you shouldnt know anything about it.
i am engaged to a man who has been married before for 10 years. i want to know why their relationship didnt work and how he thinks about certain things. look, any person who has been married and has children from that relationship will bring baggage with him.
sometimes its really not fair to you and if you know what happened in his past some things will become much clearer.
i do believe that i understand my fiance in many ways as i know a lot about his past. i can evaluate topics and therefore act.of course there is a fine line between what you should know and what you dont need to.
i wish you the best, svenja
I won't go.
I went once, only because we were picking the kids up to take on vacation with us. I will NEVER, EVER, EVER do that again. The less time I have to share air with that woman, the better. It's just too stressful. I use that drive time to gear up for the visit or to clean up after the visit ends. It does my husband and me good, too, to have that time apart, especially when he takes them back, because we each get free time to regroup after the visit. Also, it gives him alone time with the kids to talk about things they might not want to discuss with me present. All the way around, it works better if I stay home.
~ Anne ~
Am i ruining my relatinship?
First off happy halloween to everyone!! I have read all of your comments and thankyou for this advice you have no idea how nice it is to talk with people going through the same things.Well this weekend went pretty good no trouble which is a relief the only thing that happened was when sd phoned to come and pick her up her mother made her collect call which made me a little angry when sd lived with us we always bought her a calling card and not once charged it to her bm phone.I dont know if i am overreacting but we gave her a calling card before she went home just to use to call us.Janice your comment is exactly how i feel all i want is to know that he is happier with me and not her.Just because things like they went to jamaica for their honeymoon and i only know this because sd told me.My sister wanted to buy us a trip to jamaica for our honeymoon and i spoke to my husband and he said he would rather not and this is before i was told that is where they went.My husband never gave me a reason why he didnt want to go there.Then after we came back my sd told me that they went to jamaica her mother must have told her this.Then i was angry at my husband for not telling me this when i brought up the idea.Am i right or wrong for doing this?It seems almost like he did more things with her like out for dinner etc...and it hurts because i feel like i can never have what they have had together.My past is an open book to him if he asks me anything i dont hide anything from my husband beacause he is my world.My husband has only told me a little bit like he used to find condoms in her car or come home friday night go out and not come home till monday morning when she had to go to work but it seems he spent more attention on her then me and i treat him like gold.My mind is just a whirl of thouhgts trying to piece together these issues and i have asked my husband why he stuck around and all he says was he thought that was his life and he had to live with it and of course for his kids.Its almost like i am expecting the worst like he will go back to her.Dont get me wrong my husband is a great guy and we get along great and if we didnt argue about these things we wouldnt argue at all this is the only topic we argue about is he still hurt from his past?
It sounds like he wants to
It sounds like he wants to leave his past in the past. If the only thing that you argue about is his past, you have to stop brining it up and trying to get info out of him. Again, question why you need to know so badly and work on resolving that b/c those are your issues, not his…don’t compare his life with her to the life the two of you have now…that is like comparing your marriage (which is alive and vibrant) to a DEAD THING! They are divorced and their relationship is DEAD…the relationship the two of you have still has the breath of life in it…take joy in that and let dead things RIP.
Make a GREAT Day!
I too have been where you are..
It was not until this past weekend that I found myself in complete udder happiness. My husband a very private type and me being a very outgoing type I never really new anything just what I like would find at our house.. And it ate me up and I would even look for things to watch or see or just be a nosy rosy.. Because thats me.. My granny nick named me Rona Barrett when I was a child..
Anyways.. I think that we self inflict a lot of this on our selves.. An ex is an ex for a reason whether we know the reason or not they are the past and we get to make a better past and a new future.. Think of it that way. His past every year gets further and further away from him and if he wanted her he would be there.. He loves and wants to be with you.. Or he wouldn't be with you. I used to try to compare the old marriage to our marriage and why.. Because I wanted to reassure myself that he is much happier with me.. I no longer have to do that. He reassured me this weekend.. I am finally at peace.. I would not bring up the past anymore.. If you really feel insecure go to him and let him see that insecurity explain to him why you ask .. Be honest with him.. Tell him that you want to know because you want to make sure that he is so happy with you that you never have anything to worry about.. Honesty is the best policy.. I learned a lot this past weekend.. And its because of the ladies on this site.. They are absolutely awesome and really give a lot of insight..
I hope I am not hurting your feelings.. And I am going to say something and please do not take it wrong.. But sometimes by talking about the past you may bring up things that he just would rather forget. I know for me there is one guy I was engaged too and I hate even talking about him.. I just hate it.. And when people bring him up its upsetting not because I care but it brings up my mistake.. So it could be a case of just that.. You will always be miserable wanting to compare you and her or your life with him verses theres. I just want you to know I was just like you always doing that and because I was doing that I was miserable and not focusing my time on my husband in a loving way just negative.. I too do not care for my hubby's ex but she is just that the ex.. Out with the old and in with the new.. Life is to short.. I want to love him and make him happy and by focusing on our future and our memories we are going to have a happier marriage.. I hope I have helped you.. Smile!!!