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The opposite of love is indifference...

princessmofo's picture

Submitted by princessmofo on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 11:55am

I've been playing a new game lately with dh, and I've been winning. Had I only known it would be this simple, I would've done this a year ago. After a long heart to heart with my sister I realized that, contrary to popular belief, bm (twat waffle) is NOT my problem. She is obsessed with me and dh and has made it her mission to infect every facet of my life. So I just stopped. Yep, it was that easy. I have ceased to mention her name or even think about her for weeks now. And it's working.

Since my revelation I have been able to casually witness dh's behavior regarding horse-face bm. I used to think I was the one who was being unreasonable and obsessing. But I have since realized I was being gas-lighted so to speak. Dh would initially bring her up. I would spiral down from there and he would tell me to stop talking about her, but he brought her up to begin with. So now with my newfound complacency regarding twat waffle and all things encompassing her I have noticed a pattern with dh. He still continues to bring her up. Only now I don't react. I simply change the subject and it is fucking with his pea brain.

Dh works with twat waffle and has made it a point everyday for over a week now to tell me some work-related story in which "he pissed her off" or "got a rise out of her". Now, perhaps it's just me but when you are truly done in a relationship you become indifferent to that person. You no longer require a response, emotionally, from them because you simply do not care enough about them. Period. Clearly, not the case with dh or twat waffle. It's like a sick twisted dance they continue to do with one another. And I'm starting to find it very entertaining and enlightening.

I disengaged from ss after we resolved the custody issue with bm. Now I've disengaged from any manufactured drama by twat waffle or dh. I am feeling so much better mentally and emotionally. Better than I have in over a year. I've stopped using booze as a crutch. I'm working out again. My family and I have reconnected in an amazing way and my bios are doing fantastic! Hell, I'm even falling back in love with my job again. I'm not sure what I'm driving at with this rant but I think the reality of dh and twat waffle never being able to separate from each other mentally of emotionally hit me like a ton of bricks. And did I lie down and die? Nope, I crawled out of the rubble, dusted myself off and walked on.

Comments

hurtandalone's picture

Submitted by hurtandalone on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 12:08pm

I have done the same thing. In fact, I told DH to pretend like BM was his mistress and to make sure that I never, ever found out about it. Sick, yeah, but honestly its better this way. I never hear anything about her, I never have to be present for her annoying phone calls, I never have to hear them be all chummy and I can focus on MY life without worrying about her. It is SO freeing. I think my DH feel lonely because he has no one to talk to about problems with her but I don't really care, his problem. I had nothing to do with her being in our lives so why should I have to deal with it now?

isthisforme123's picture

Submitted by isthisforme123 on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 12:49pm

Yes, I tried disengaging from BM drama and my husband told me the same thing - that it would make him feel lonely. So now I don't know what to do!

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 12:13pm

When I get to the indifference feeling I am done. Like redeyes said, it's the death of the relationship to me. It's when I get to that point that I know I can move on and not have any regrets or wonder if it would have worked because n my heart of hearts it never would have and it's at that point I realized it.

Happy for you princess- you have dealt with a lot. I know I wouldn't have been able to be in a relationship with a man that worked with BM and then came home and talked to me abt it.

so.tired's picture

Submitted by so.tired on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 12:14pm

Good for you! I still struggle with complete indifference...when he gets started picking at me about my grown kids, I want to start on his 10year old- but I agree completely with "indifference". I also starting working out, going and doing things with my grandkids, parent, daughter- anyone but him and his son. I really have to work on maintaining my eye rolling to a minimum, he is bound to catch me soon, I do it so often. I need to maintain a roommate existence with this guy, he won't think about moving out until he is done with school in January. I can't force him out, he has "rights" since he has been there more than 60 days and its been established as his legal residence. Emotionally I have been done with him for awhile and the hope that he will move on is keeping me going.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 12:17pm

has made it a point everyday for over a week now to tell me some work-related story in which "he pissed her off" or "got a rise out of her".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why on earth would he do this?!?! What an idiot

princessmofo's picture

Submitted by princessmofo on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 12:23pm

He's an emotional fuckwit. And we've covered this as a topic on other blogs here, but I think men truly get off on having two women fighting over them. They like the jealousy. But I realized I had a choice here, I didn't have to "play" his game. So I quit and he is beside himself. Like, he is falling apart over very minor things. This "in-control" façade he projected for so long is now crumbling. It's gratifying to watch.

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 12:29pm

I don't know how you do it. I could not be in a relationship where my SO went off everyday and saw BM, then came home and tell me about it. It would have driven me to indifference long ago. I too believe that if I get to indifference, it will mean the end of the relationship. Indifference with BM and skids is one thing, indifference with SO is another. And it does sound to me that he is gaslighting you...but why would someone do that to someone they love?

isthisforme123's picture

Submitted by isthisforme123 on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 12:53pm

It will be interesting to see what he does when he realizes you don't want to talk about BM anymore. Will he keep escalating to get you to react? Or will he quietly drop it? Good for you either way.

itsmylifetoo's picture

Submitted by itsmylifetoo on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 1:04pm

I know you say you don't know where you're driving at with your "rant," but it's wonderful, and I have been working on some of these things with BM in my life. I really appreciate this glimmer of hope that I can disconnect from BM in these ways.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 1:38pm

Princess I have a friend in the outside world that is constantly battling in court over the simplest of things. It is always an issue, daily emails over things that aren't even important. I recently explained to her that her dh and his ex have an illness, they get off on the rise and trickery of each other. EEvery time they interact and press send on an email they get off. it is never going to change. Its like their anger is an addiction. They will just never get past each other. A completely unhealthy relationship. I'm sorry your discovering the same. That must be so hard.

its like they love the constant drama and constant bullshit so much they have no room to move on. And while we enable it eventually it is seen.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 1:47pm

that must leave very little energy left for him to put into his actual marriage. she knows that they will never get past each other? and she lives with her husband still being so entwined with his ex? I couldn't stand it.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 1:49pm

I think it's great that you're protecting yourself and are feeling good. but, don't you feel something is missing in your marriage a bit? i'd feel like he's still giving his ex his energy and I couldn't handle it. would definitely kill a lot of the intimacy in my marriage.

lillfiredog's picture

Submitted by lillfiredog on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 2:27pm

Good for you. I am trying to disengage, but it is turning into silent treatment (from me) 24 hours a day. We don't talk at all any more, because he doesn't want to talk about anything. It's quite sad. I do my thing, he does his. And I am insanely lonely and miserable.

HadEnoughx5's picture

Submitted by HadEnoughx5 on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 2:42pm

I know it's hard to not have anger and resentment. Try and approach the situation as you would treat other people. I talk to DH like I would talk to any other person, putting our problems to the side. This doesn't mean I "forget" the problems, it just means I've made a commitment to myself to not allow his dysfunctional family to change me into someone I'm not. I set structure and boundaries for myself. I decide what I will and will not do, on my terms. Does he always like it, no. But I don't change my attitude on how I will treat him. Kwim?

I think if you don't approach it this way, you will be miserable. Hang in there, ((((HUGS)))))

MamaDuck's picture

Submitted by MamaDuck on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 2:28pm

I'm so happy for you Smile to have accomplished indifference re how your DH and BM interact is not an easy task!

I had therapy last night with SO, the therapist wants me to work on "Letting Go". Let go of trying to take care OF SO, let go of trying to pick up his pieces, let go of trying to 'mother' and protect SO.

It's all good in theory, and I REEEAALLLY want to disengage completely.... but I have some major barriers stopping me Sad I have NO faith in SO to stop his sick 'codependency' (I believe that's what it is too) with BM. Why the fuck would I want to be with a guy who gives so much of his energy to staying emotionally connected to another woman. Gah.

I hope I get hit with a bit of 'indifference fairy dust' soon!

HadEnoughx5's picture

Submitted by HadEnoughx5 on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 2:32pm

There have been quite a few times that DH will bring up stuff about Swamp Hole, Mini Swamp or the SS's. I usually see where his conversation is going. If it's Mini, I give a hmm or nod and then I'm off to do something. If it's the SS's and he's talking about chores, hygiene, laundry...it's a hmm and a nod, and I'm gone. I don't talk about Swamp unless it effects me directly, like disrespecting me and my property.

Since I have given DH's dysfunctional 2nd family a lot less "air time" as we call it, I have been much happier and more relaxed. DH is also working harder to put me first and our marriage. I'm loving it Smile

MamaDuck's picture

Submitted by MamaDuck on Thu, 10/03/2013 - 2:58pm

"Hopefully this will show your DH that YOUR life revolves around healthy behaviors and he'd better shape up!"

Hmm... maybe I can use that.. when SO displays the kind of behaviors and attitudes that are healthy re BM, I'll reward him Wink lol maybe that'll encourage the right behaviors??