I am supposed to forgive this fool?
I apologize to everyone who posted in my last blog that I was not able to reply too. It got a bit much. I did read all your posts though and I appreciate your opinions.
What really hit home was that if it was one my children next year, I might be leaving 3 days a week too. So I decided to let it go for now.
I am still trying to get over how my Dh just made the decision withought me though. He came back today and acted like I was the best thing in the world. All hugs and kisses. But I was a bit standoffish I must admit.
We had a sit-down to discuss what were his plans now. He looked at a cabin/house thing he can rent for a year. This will save a lot of money in hotel costs.
Here is the good news. Ss is slowly eating again. He gained 2 pounds already. He needs to gain at least 25 pounds more to be in the lower end of the healthy range. That will take a while. He is only 5"2 and weighs only 74 pounds. It is all bones. He needs to be at least 100 pounds for his height, which is short to begin with.
He also sort of responds to the staff now, with nodding his head. Before he ignored them completely. He did cry when my Dh left but he didn't beg himn to stay. Of course my Dh will be going back tomorrow evening.
But here is the bad news. Turns out Ss asked my Dh to come every Saturday and Sunday. He then talked to the staff and they said it would be good if he can come as much as possible until Ss becomes more comfortable with the staff. So what does my Dh do? He says he will come Saturday, Sunday AND Friday. And he promises Ss. Without telling me. I made it clear to him he dissappointed me. And I left it at that. I also told my Dh if he isn't going back to therapy I won't have him the house. Luckily he wants to go back.
As much as I want to be angry, I just feel sad for him. I guess he is as helpless in this as I am. And I just feel tired. I do still love him and Ss though. And that is what counts right?
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how old is ss?
how old is ss?
Thanks Lucy. I doubt Ss feels
Thanks Lucy. I doubt Ss feels he is lucky to have me in his life though.
You are right, sometimes, abused children develop slower. Maybe that is the reason. Both my Dh and Bm are quite tall. so we expected Ss to be tall too.
Thanks for the hugs and
Thanks for the hugs and prayers.
I can understand that your DH
I can understand that your DH is between a rock and a hard place.. there is no easy answer.
How are your other children doing with this? Can you all go to therapy? I could see your other kids developing resentments about this because everything /is/was/will be about SS for the foreseeable future and they basically don't have a dad. I can also see this putting a HUGE strain on your marraige due to the time apart and his lack of including you in major decisions that effect not only you but your other children as well.
Surprisingly, my kids have
Surprisingly, my kids have been quite good. We go to great lengths to ensure they are shielded from the issues we have with Ss. They are very well-adjusted. But now having their father gone so often would definitely be noticed. We have to somehow make then understand.
The last thing we want is for them to become resentful. Once my Dh goes to therapy, I think we should start going as a couple. Improve our marriage hopefully. Because it is not great right now.
I would be incensed if I were
I would be incensed if I were you. I love my stepchildren. That said, each one of them is a thorn to me in one way or another. I never wish they weren't a part of my life, but there are things about each one's situation that adds strain and stress to my life that wouldn't exist if they weren't my steps.
From a mother's point of view...I would probably have done the same thing your DH did. I would have automatically jumped to do what is best for my child when he was hurting and sick, and I would have done it with the assumption that my spouse would back me up 100% and make whatever sacrifice necessary to make it happen. I can understand his reasoning and his actions. That doesn't make it right, but he's in an extraordinarily difficult situation, too.
Whether or not you can forgive him is up to you. Maybe put yourself in his shoes and think about what lengths you might go to if you were afraid you would lose your child. My spouse be damned, there is NOTHING I wouldn't do, and my other children would just have to understand.
Knowing me, I'll end up
Knowing me, I'll end up forgiving him. I am just a pushover when it comes to my family. Even with my Ss. I have let go of so many hurtful things he said to me. Sometimes I wish I could be tougher.
But like you said, when I put myself in his shoes, I would be likely doing the same thing.
Well, baby steps I guess.
Well, baby steps I guess. He's eating. DH is going to start off with 3 days a week. Hopefully as things calm he'll be able to back of for treatment. I think therapy for DH is in order. He needs to know how to handle all of this and keep your relationship a priority.
And he also needs therapy to
And he also needs therapy to stop feeling so guilty all the time. Its just destroys him.
I was thinking of taking the
I was thinking of taking the kids there for horseback riding lessons. We can do that while my Dh visits Ss. Hopefully, my work will let me. Thanks Sap.
Praying, I am glad that your
Praying,
I am glad that your SS is making some progress. My concern is that he will make progress as long as your DH is visiting EVERY Friday, Saturday and Sunday but when your DH starts limiting the visitation he will act out again.
"He then talked to the staff and they said it would be good if he can come as much as possible until Ss becomes more comfortable with the staff".
I like the idea of YOU or You and other children going to spend the day or weekend with DH occassionally.
Rest assured if DH does not spend time with the other children they WILL resent SS and DH. (sorry)
These are all just my opinions and experiences. In the end you have to do the best you can.
I am very sorry for your circumstances right now. I know you will feel like a single parent for several weeks or months.
I plan to with my Dh once in
I plan to with my Dh once in a while. I miss him too. I told him, I am only going to be ok with this for a few months. Then he should start going back to what we originally planned (once a week).
Hopefully we will be able to avoid any feelings of resentment my kids may have. It is tough to get them to understand when we can't even tell them what Ss had to go through
Sometimes, I already feel like a single parent because Ss takes up so much of my Dh's attention.
Hopefully the other kids can come with us too for some fun sometimes.
I am supposed to forgive this
I am supposed to forgive this fool?
Yes, I think so. Because most of us would say or do anything to make our children emotionally and physically better in a desperate moment. I would have made the same comment to one of my children if the circumstances were the same and later it would it hit me I will have H-- to pay for from my DH for not consulting with him.
With that being said, I believe you have EVERY right to let your DH know that you are agreeing to this for a short term arrangement "until SS gets to know the staff better". And I would keep reminding your DH of that.
I don't think forgiving him
I don't think forgiving him will make you a push-over. It makes you a good wife. He is hurting inside, he doesn't know what the "perfect plan" is as much as you do. It sounds like the nurses are asking him to be there more just until SS is more comfortable with the staff, so maybe after a few weeks of this you can talk to DH about cutting back a day, and then maybe a day and a half??
I still think you are doing the right thing here. I still have a lot of Faith and MUCH HOPE for your family. You are good peeps Praying, and I think the world of you.
I hope Ss will get used to
I hope Ss will get used to being without my Dh soon. They can't even start the therapy until he begins to trust them. And i have a feeling it is going to take a long time for that to happen.
But once Ss get comfortable I definitely expect my Dh to come back to our original plan of 1 day a week.
Thank you Bsgoinon.
Hugs & Prayers to all of
Hugs & Prayers to all of you!! What an incredibly horrible situation for all of you!! Please please, keep yourself healthy and strong, for all of your children. The other kids are also really gonna need you thru out all of this!!
Your an incredibly strong woman, with a huge heart!! We are here for you!
((((Praying)))) Forgiving him
((((Praying))))
Forgiving him won't make you a pushover. Instead, you will be showing your children that this is what parents do. They love their children and support them through what can be the worst times of their lives. Your kids will see this and know that you will always be there for them. And when your DH looks back on this in the future, he'll see that you were there for him when he saw his child drifting away and felt like he could do nothing to help him.
My prayers for you and yours!