Loving skids as your own
I read an article tonight: http://www.scarymommy.com/love-stepchildren-as-my-own/
Basically, the gist is give, give, give and eventually your skids will be in your heart as your own and vice versa. I'm sure that loving your skids as your own (and them loving you back) is the case for a small number of SMs, however I don't think it's the case for the majority of them. I think articles like this are dangerous and make SMs feel like there's something wrong with them when they don't love their skids. I went through a lot of doubt and despair about not caring about my SS.
Two statements the author makes I find absurd: "The titles a child uses of Mom and Dad or Stepmom and Stepdad are indeed just that ― titles."
"After you’ve been a stepparent for a long amount of time, one day you’ll wake up and realize that, at some point, your stepchild or stepchildren became a part of your whole being. Doing things for your stepchild or stepchildren will be like second nature and your love will be unconditional for them. You won’t think twice about which parent does more or less, because it won’t matter. All that will matter is the amazing journey you have been on with this child or children. And that’s when you really become a parent, biological or not. That’s when the titles become meaningless."
They are not just titles, they are biological connections. This is seen even with the bioparents are crap, their kids still love them. Doing and doing for your skids won't make that go away. And unconditional love?! How can one just turn that on like a faucet?
The other: "You must also know that as much as your stepchild or stepchildren may challenge and frustrate you, they do also see you as theirs." Do they? I only know my experience, but I highly doubt that SS9 thinks of me as his family. It may be because we are long distance, but even when we were living in the same town, he didn't act like I was his father's wife. He acted like I was a stranger in the house. He had an assigment for school last year about "who my family is" and he left me out. But here's the thing: I am fine with that. This might sound horrible to some, but I don't consider him my family. I consider him my husband's family. I want to preemptively avoid what some steptalkers have gone through - years of taking care of, doing for and giving to their skids only to get kicked in the teeth or not thanked or acknowledged. That's heartbreaking.
I respect my DH's relationship with him. I don't stand in the way of that at all, but I also don't pretend to play happy family with them anymore since it has been nothing but awkward and unhappy the times we have all spent together. I tried to get to know SS, I tried to spend time with him, etc. but I don't feel anything even close to affection for him. What works best is when my DH spends time with him alone on his trips to see him or on SSs visits here. I don't go out of my way for SS, I don't make him special meals, (just what I usually make for everyone) I don't buy him anything (except something small for birthday/Xmas), I don't have conversations with him. I'm nice to him the way I am to the cashier at the grocery store. This is my way of preemptively disengaging. He has a mother and father. I do not need to take on a role of anything other than his father's wife. I do enforce rules of the household, of course. And I do not allow SS to play rough or be rude to BS14mo. As far as their relationship, I don't take any responsiblity in fostering it. DH only occasionally Facetimes with SS when he's with BS, and because of the distance, SS sees BS maybe three times a year. I don't know what their relationship will be like as BS gets older.
Looking into the future, I am fine with not being included in any SS-centered events. We already do birthdays separately, but graduations, weddings, etc. (Though DH won't go and be pretend cozy with BM the way she has tried to do in the past). I don't feel the need to go unless DH wants me there. I am fine with being dad's wife, not SM.
- pixielady's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I've read other blogs from
I've read other blogs from that site that I enjoyed and some were pretty funny reads but ya I found this one to be nauceus.
I really don't like how near the end the author is drilling home the point that it doesn't matter whatever else is going that makes steplife hard it's up to you (the stepparent) to just love and give for the kids and everything will fall into place.
I call bullshit.
Skids are not your children.
Skids are not your children. There is no unconditional, automatic love like there is with bio children. Now people ask what about adoption? Well, adoption is a choice made by two people. You BOTH choose which baby/child you want. It is a mutual decision.
You don't choose skids. You choose your partner and then these things are attached that you didn't ask for. Side dishes of a main meal that you'd never eat...given the CHOICE. But you don't get a damn choice with skids. They are just there, like an unwanted rash. Then everyone around you wonders why you don't just fall in love with this blistering, itchy, irritating, infested, crusty damn rash that you never wanted.
A rash that lies, eats all your food, craps it's pants, lays around all day doing nothing, fails school, has a crazy BM that will never leave your DH alone, sneaks, smells...etc etc etc.
Why don't you looooooove the rash? Hmmmmmm....I wonder. *eye roll until I go blind*
Some skids are wonderful and
Some skids are wonderful and loveable. But most of us here do not have those skids. Ss33 is a worthless POS. I do not care if he is dead or alive. - just as long as I never have to see him or deal with him again.
The thing that this author,
The thing that this author, and other parents, forget is that steps are their own person and form relationships as they see fit. They have just as much say in whether they love you as you have in saying you love them. No amount of soccer games, Pinterest birthday parties, or movie nights is going to make a step love you if they just don't want to.
I do think there is a lot that parents can do to help facilitate good relationships with stepparents. I think both parents showing respect to the other's SO and demanding their children respect their partners will go a long way. I think most people who have good relationships with their stepkids have them because the parents set the expectation and didn't allow for disrespect.
But let's be real - very, very few stepparents feel for their stepkids what they do their own kids and vice versa. My SF loves my siblings and I, but I guarantee you that if any of us acted the way his daughter did/does, he would be disengaged from us in a heartbeat. My mom, despite loving my SBro and his daughter, doesn't feel fully like a grandma and won't until I or my siblings have kids. My parents really drove home the "be respectful" message, and we are all family that love one another. But if push came to shove, our loyalties would fall along biological lines. As much as we all delude ourselves day in and day out, we all know if we had to choose that we'd choose bio over step.
But you know what? That's okay! We don't need to delude ourselves into thinking that we care as much about our stepfamily as we do our bio. We are content with the relationships we have formed and the family bond we have created.
I understand that my life as a DD/SD is very different from everyone on here (and my journey as a SM is very different from that, too). But even in the BEST scenarios, which mine was for me (not so much my SBro), unconditional love doesn't exist. It's a fairytale, but not having it isn't the end of the World, either.
You’re right about both bio
You’re right about both bio parents demanding respect. DH does but BM is dichotomous. On one hand she is very nosy and grills ss about us, DS and our home, and on the other hand she acts like we don’t exist. She continues to function as if DH were still single- like offering him to stay at hers every time he goes to her town to visit SS, as if DH didn’t have a wife who he might respect enough not to do something like that if she’s uncomfortable with it. She acts like SS is the only child DH should care about.
DH puts me and DS first because 1. I’m his wife and 2. We are on the same page as far as parenting. It’s difficult for him to put SS first because he’s long distance and because he doesn’t agree with BMs permissive parenting. He has to counter some of that parenting by not indulging SS or putting him first in the child centered parenting type of philosophy. I think it’s easy for people to say treat them your steps and bios exactly the same when there are various developmental differences, different needs etc. when people say well you’re the adult you should love them, does this mean that when SS is an adult he can automatically love me? I don’t think so? This detachment from both sides is what works for us, now at least. Am I concerned that SS will be emotionally damaged? I think he is damaged more by coddling BM and grandparents who act like he can do no wrong.
Some people just don't live
Some people just don't live in reality the way you feel about a skid isn't the way you would feel about your own biological kid. People who say that SM's should make COD's feel as comfortable as possible and love them as your own are full of crap!! What about the SM's feelings? Don't our feelings count?
In a place called fantasy
In a place called fantasy land, where unicorns fart glittery rainbows of peace, unconditional love and skid adoration.
Gag! I threw up in my mouth a little at that.*bad*
Total Myth
and it as plaque step parents for years leaving them feeling shame and guilt. I have been researching this 'myth' for upward of 4, 5 years now.
True test is to ask anyone who is of this mindset " do you LOVE your childs playmates at school like your own. What about your neighborhood kids. How about the kids on the dance team.
If they respond "of course not, or thats different'.....ask them why it different? The kids on the team/school are no more biological than your new spouses. Biology makes ALL the difference.
We can care for, or about,like/dislike, show empathy, compassion, joy and angry BUT we can not love someones child unless they are of our own dna. The child/parent bond is inherent.
We are hard wired that way stemming thousands of years. SORRY no can do.
**proof also that kids do not reject bio parents without pathogenic parenting present but that is for another tread some day. DO not be suckered into Johnny is scared of you xhusband, SALLY screams every time you have visitation she does not want to go*
Mmmmmmm...no. Maybe if they
Mmmmmmm...no. Maybe if they were decent kids and not lying, manipulative cornholes.