Help!
This isn't really a step issue, but a divorced dealing with my own ex and the kids issues. Its a bit long to explain, but I could sure use some good advice.
I have an 18 year old son who just graduated from high school. When he started his senior year I bought a $3500 car and made a contract to sell it to him for $1500 at $100 a month payments. I wanted him to have some transportation and get it paid off before he started college. I also made a contract with him to stay drug free and alcohol free. Everything went fine until he turned 18 in January and then he just decided he was an adult and could do whatever he wanted. He first went out and got a tatoo, he started falling behind on his car payments and not applying himself at school. This all came to a head right after graduation, I had threatened to take the car and then he got caught with alcohol and drugs in the car on the 4th of July. I took the car away and told him he was grounded from using it for 30 days while I decided how to handle this and then a couple of weeks later my husband noticed one of his gas cards was missing and we found out my son had stolen it and when confronted lied to us about it.
At that point I told him all agreements were off and that I was keeping the car and he had to move out and he needed to apologize and return the money before I would consider any more help for him. Ok, I know I waited to long to put the hammer down, but finally did. I think at that point all would have been well except "Dad" decided to get involved. Well this is his 1st son, my oldest is not his and they never got along and the two younger boys were just icing on the cake which was number 1 son who can do no wrong.
Part II
So....Dad takes him in, he is paying for his cell phone and car insurance and letting him stay with him no room and board. I was flabbergasted, so son decides I'm the bad one in all this and refuses to talk to me or apologize and settles into comfy dad's house who has rescued him. Then it get's worse, I get a call 3 days ago that this boy has gotten hold of a motorcycle and crashed it and is in the hospital. I go down there and he is pretty beat up but going to be ok, but will not look at me or talk to me. Then I find out Dad helped him get the motorcycle!!!! So I finally write Dad an email telling him what I think about how he is enabling this behavior and I get an envelope via my other son with the return payment of the gas money. No note, no call, no apology. I have no idea how to handle this interference from Dad, he is completly undermining the message I am trying to send to this boy and enabling his irresponsible behavior and number 3 son is now not wanting to go to his dad's house because he is also mad at him for how he is handling his brother.
What do I do?????
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Comments
How is it that the younger
How is it that the younger son sees what the older and dad are trying to ignore? If dad hasn't had his sons around full time he might just be trying to "make up" for it or maybe he acted this way at that age and was just lucky enough to not have had serious consequences but hopefully your son will realize being 18 is more than doing what you want. Matbe hes mad because he realizes that you are right and doesn't like it and he may just be ready to turn the corner and take in what you've been saying.
I guess they will both -
I guess they will both - father and son - have to learn this lesson the hard way. You're not wrong to try to teach your child how to be a responsible adult, but although he is your child, he's now officially an "adult" and so is his dad. You can't tell them what to do, no matter how badly they are screwing up. You could trying talking to them both to explain your point of view, that you love the boy and just want to give him the best start in his adult life, but ultimately, they are gonna do what they are gonna do. Maybe this is just a rebellious stage he's going through. Maybe he'll straighten himself out eventually. Either way, I'm not sure what else you can do, other continue to be a constant presence to reinforce adult behavior. Sometimes I think adult children are worse than the smaller version.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Enabling behavior; Overwhelmed in Texas
I can relate to your frustration. I have a 22yr old stepson who is somewhat similar. He had a child out of wedlock, lived with his ex-girlfriend, and now last year, they broke up. He moved back with my wife and I late last summer, early fall. He was with us for a little over 2 months!! That was a nightmare. I won't get into that, but, he moved into a place with his cousin in November of 2006. His cousin is not very responsible with money, but he serves our country. He was deployed to Iraq. He and my stepson were sharing the rent and expenses. The rent is about $780/month. Now, since he's gone, my stepson is unable to pay the $780. My sister and brother-in-law have basically been paying their son's half of the rent for him and had given my stepson money for a car that he's leasing. a brand new 2006 Eclipse!!! They are also footing the bill for the insurance on it as well. He works 2nd shift, and of course, they babysit for his kid too!! Free childcare!! My brother in law recently mentioned to us that he could use a phone. So if we want to help, we should do so. My response was "WHAT"??? To myself of course. He even told me he had taken on a 2nd lien on his house to help these guys out. If someone doesn't tell me this is not enabling behavior, I must have some kind of brain damage.
I told my wife months ago that we will not put ourselves and our future in jeopardy to continue this type of enabling activity. She kind of concurred,, but agrees. I just wish my in laws would knock it off. I had to work very hard for everything I've ever acquired or received. I was raised like that, so I do not condone enabling deadbeats, takers, and moochers!!