dh wants me to do more things with sd8
I am so thoroughly annoyed with dh. He was complaining to me during a disagreement we were having the other night, saying that I "don't make an effort to do activities with sd8". He said that he does things with my son,which is true,but only in short spurts. It's not like he spends a ton of time doing things with him. I'm pissed because I do a lot of kind gestures for sd and it seems to go unnoticed,or dh complains that I'm not making an effort. Sd8 isn't a bad skid,but she is a whiny,picky brat at times,and I really don't want to go out of my way to do activities with just her. I'm very nice to her and we get along well. I think dh is being unreasonable. Am I wrong here?
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Omg so bloody funny. I love
Omg so bloody funny. I love this forum and that everyone tells it like it is
^ lol. I feel you right now
^ lol.
I feel you right now because DH is like that with me.
"Do something with her" "bond" "blah blah blah".
He wants me to do everything because that makes me "involved" but then barks at me when I need to lecture her for something. And it's not even like a lecture. I'm the talking kind. But I will get frustrated and my tone will change if I need to repeat myself multiple times.
DH is the same freaken way and needs a look in the mirror!
Sd isn't a bad skid. She's actually well behaved.
But I just don't like being forced to do stuff with her.
Like you, I do SO much an just about ALL of it is not only unnoticed by SD, but by DH too!
Not only that but SD is materialistic (blame BM). So she's not interested in anything unless it's TV or unless you are buying her stuff. (Not clothes related unless it's headbands, jewelry, or purses).
I try to color and do arts crafts but she's not into and I end up finishing everything alone because she leaves to do something different. She doesn't like to go outside or the beach or something. For a skinny kid, she's pretty lazy.
And we are just different. Not that we don't have our moments together. We do. But they come naturally, not when DH tries to force it.
I agree (from experience)
I agree (from experience) with Maymoments
I pushed my DH, said the same thing, spend time, spend time, I would go out of my way to spend time with skids:
Im my home the end result:
1) Bios felt like "she loves skids more" because I treated them all the same and it confused my kids when the relationships were first developing
2) Natural bond formed with DH and bios...without the pushing ;-( He was waiting for the kids to grow into it...they did...and it all turned out. It took 3-5 years to develop.
I NOW think the kids need to sometimes see, over time, you are there and will love and support them...pushing the bond, doesn't work, in fact it can make them more unsure or think your being "fake"
good luck!
I agree with Manymoments, you
I agree with Manymoments, you can't force relationships.
I remember when me and DH first got together, (SS4 was just a baby) he would be holding SS with one arm, and reach out to hug me with the other. DH would kind of smoosh us both together as if he wanted me to give SS a kiss.
SS would start pushing me away (making me feel even more rejected) and I would just pull away from DH's arm from the hug.
I could see DH just wanted us to be all close and snuggly, but SS didn't want that, and *I* didn't want that *because* SS didn't want that lol! It was just plain uncomfortable!!!
After a while of poor DH trying that, (he honesty just wanted us all to be close, but it just wasn't so) I had to speak up and say how icky it felt when he tried to do that.
He stopped doing it, and after a while SS actually willingly came to me for hugs. Because it wasn't being forced.
If *both* people (you and your stepkid) are willing to give eachother some space and see what develops naturally, (if anything, and if nothing that's ok too) I think that's a far better option than the forced thing.
My DH wanted me to be closer
My DH wanted me to be closer to my SD23 when she was young and she was not a bad kid, either. But she was still not my kid and she wasn't there to spend time with me.
I did do things with her (like our nails and stuff) but it actually made her feel bad that her own mother did not do those things with her (BM favored SD's brother). That's one of the reasons DH wanted me to be close with her, because BM really wasn't.
I just told him that it was not up to me to make up for the fact that SD had a crappy mother. It might have been different if SD had lived with us, but every other weekend was for her and him to bond, not me and her.
I was pleasant to her, I bought her things occasionally, decorated her room for her, went to the park with her and DH if I felt like it, but I did not bend over backwards.
Looking back, I am glad I played it like I did. When SD started being a little shit, stopped her visitation, and started lying and manipulating like her mother, it was a lot easier for me to write her off and it didn't hurt my feelings one bit. No matter what the relationship between her and BM, that is where her loyalty lies. Not with DH and certainly not with me (which is fine and expected).
ETA: DH did understand and let it be when I explained things to him.
"I just told him that it was
"I just told him that it was not up to me to make up for the fact that SD had a crappy mother. It might have been different if SD had lived with us, but every other weekend was for her and him to bond, not me and her."
^^^^^^^^^^^
Well said.
What is wrong with these men?
What is wrong with these men? My husband is the same. He always wants me to spend time bonding with SD6 and I currently have no interest in doing so. I have my own DD that I'm away from while I work during the week and I'd much rather spend all of my spare time with her.
He also tells her to hug me when she leaves on Sunday evening. It's so awkward. She knows I don't want to hug her. He knows I don't want to hug her. But we end up hugging anyway. It's so unnatural. If we wanted to hug each other, we would do it without his prompting. Next time he does this I'm going to make sure I'm doing something else like washing dishes so I have an excuse.