I understand. My husband is the same way. He doesn't get why I feel differently for my SD than I do for my BD. He loves them the same because they're both his kids. But SD isn't mine and I can't make myself feel something that isn't there. I care about her, but it's not even close to how I feel about BD.

My husband undermines my authority as well. It's totally a double standard. You're supposed to treat them like they're your own, but that should include disciplining them like they're your own.

I never fawned over my SD and I have been in her life since she was 5. My DH never really expected me to gush over her but he really hoped I would be more of a mother figure to her, since her BM favored her son over SD.

I just told him, I will treat her right but she is not mine. I'm sorry that her own mother doesn't fawn all over her but I cannot and will not be that person.

I don't know why some people even get into relationships after they have kids if they expect their new partner to unconditionally love and adore their kid. It's very, very rare that some other person is going to love that kid the way the parent does. My DH can and has done it, but it's rare and I think it's even more rare among women.

They should just be happy that we accept their kids and my DH did come to terms with that.

And I will say, my SD (now 23) was a good kid. I had nothing against her but I still did not love her unconditionally. Would I have stepped in front of her if someone shot a gun in her direction? Sure, but I would do that for ANY kid.

Whether you love her like your own or not, while she's in your house, you have a right to discipline her (within reason). I had no problem calling my SD out if needed (which was rare).

And like you, I have totally fawned all over my niece (11) since the day she was born (and so has DH). SD is still jealous of her.

Your DH needs to get over it.

I will never have maternal love or feelings for my SD. My DH I think kind of expected me to at first (since I am the only woman he's been with since BM, I don't think he really knew what to expect from another woman) but I told him that trying to force that feeling on me only makes me feel guilty and makes things worse because it just isn't going to be. Especially now that I have BD, I can totally notice the difference in feelings I have for them. My SD isn't bad either, she just has certain quirks and traits that I don't always find cute or endearing because her personality is so different from mine and she has none of "my family" in her, which makes it kind of hard to look past them sometimes. Like people above said, it's not that I don't care about her...I just do not have a special bond with her.

Yep, my DH actually said these two things to me in the same sentence once. "Mind your own business" (when I questioned a $700.00 phone bill of SD16 that I saw) and "why can't you just act like a mother?"

Um, I'll mind my own business when SD16 is making her OWN money to pay her OWN bills and I'm not SD16 mother, she has a mother. Sorry her mother happens to suck and has pretty much abandoned her, not my fault and not my problem. WTF dude, you can't have it both ways!

"Dh wants me to"? HA. tell him "'Want' in one hand, and 'Shit' in the other - see which one fills up faster."

}:)