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SO wants to know where he stands

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/21/2013 - 10:09am

SO asked me last night if we've made up. He's been affectionate toward me and I haven't exactly rebuffed him. But nothing hot and heavy. Not happening. It's awkward and I'm tired of rebuffing him and being mad. But I told him nothing about my position of wanting to leave has changed.

Yes, I'm human, yes I cannot shut off my feelings nor my need for physical contact. And yes I have mixed feelings and I hate the idea of being alone.

And I have not initiated any physical contact it's all him.

So now he says he's 'confused' about where we stand. I think he's full of shit. I told him I don't want to live in a mancave/ video game room.

And there are so many changes I need to be made and I'm afraid he's not willing to make them. So he told me to make a list of all the changes I want.

If my local rental market wasn't so terrible and if I wasn't so overwhelmed with how disorganized all my stuff is and having to get it all packed, I wouldn't even consider this.

Maybe I'll make this list.

Anyway I told him to stop manipulating me with affection and then claiming he's confused.

He says I'm beating up on him. Whatever maybe I am. He wants everything to happen on his schedule. I just don't want to think about our relationship right now. I need a break. I just want to go to work, I don't want to be hateful to SO. his friend just died. his birthday was last weekend. I'm not made of ice.

SO should not mistake my kindness for weakness. He should also not mistake my failure to slap him when he's affectionate with me for resolution, or that we've made up.

Comments

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Wed, 08/21/2013 - 10:23am

I honestly think the list is a good idea. Maybe it is just because it is the way I think, but having it all out and saying yes and no going down a check list makes sense. At least it will all be out there in black and white.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/21/2013 - 10:29am

Thanks overworked. I'll probably do it. He's going to flip. But what have we got to lose now?

And I anticipate another problem. Even if he agrees to all my changes. I think he will notice his own house feeling less like his house. and then he may freak out because I want too many changes too quickly.

Right now almost everything in the house belongs to him or his previous wives. He clings to the past and now I'm going force him to get real about all this.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/21/2013 - 9:58pm

SunnyD, you speak my language. Decorating is my passion. I finally got that through to SO, I think he finally accepts it. I told him don't try to understand it, just know that colors are very emotional for me, I'm very particular, and I just have to have that certain shade of brown, blue, grey, whatever. Don't ask me why.

A woman's nesting instinct is not to be underestimated. It's very strong, at least mine is.

I'm going to have to watch that show, hopefully get SO to watch it with me.

I'm 11 months in, and all I've done is paint the dining room and SO put a few of my pictures up in places where there were none, like in the guest room and one in the dining room. Everything else is pretty much his. Okay, so I got some work to do.

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Wed, 08/21/2013 - 10:39am

If you can't tell your partner what you want and need in your relationship in order to be happy then you don't have much of a relationship, do you?

Any mature couple can sit down and talk calmly about their needs, and what isn't being met that needs to be met.

nothinforya's picture

Submitted by nothinforya on Wed, 08/21/2013 - 12:24pm

I've been watching a new show starring Jeff Lewis called "Interior Therapy" where he goes into a couple's or family's home and redoes a room or two while calling them out on their relationship issues. Fascinating. Last night he did a couple where the wife had a lot of really creepy art that she held on to like a hoarder holds on to stuff. Every item had a story attached. She shut out her husband's need for a clutter-free space and a place to entertain friends free of the weird stuff, like the mannequin with the horse head. Jeff was able to get her to see what was going on but it was a battle, and the husband was way too passive with her to get what he needed. Sorry for the long paragraph, but the message is that you have to ask for what you need, and insist if you must, and if you don't get what you need you have to pack your shit and go, because the other party just doesn't care about what you need. Don't be so concerned about his possibly freaking out. He'll get over it, or you will have an answer to your questions. The wife in the episode ended up being grateful somebody made her move out of the past into the present.