I have realized, that even though I get lots of mixed feedback, I really need to vent. I do realize that most of what I pay about is just normal kid behavior.
I know people hate when I being up my kids, they think I think my kids are perfect, they are not. But they know which buttons to press, which ones to leave alone, for majority of their life I've been the only parent. I couldn't handle too much stress, and I have blown up on them, I have told them that if they continue in their ways that they will end up with no friends. Dd10, was super super annoying as she has OCD, it stayed when she was 5, and had total melt downs when it came to certain things. These "things" changed all the time, so we had to keep changing how we did things. Super inconvenient for everyone. Nobody believed me that it was OCD, they all thought she was just a spoiled brat. When we first moved in with dh, SD set off dd so bad that she developed tics, Something she's never done/had before. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes again. Dd was seeing a counselor,and as much as I am anti meds, I was very close to allowing the doctor to prescribe something for her. She had horrible night terrors due to SD constantly harassing her and tormenting her. Yet dd continued to forgive her, honestly forgive her, she was so excited when SD was coming. But after one day of SD being with us, dds tics would return.
As much as dd's know dh is not their father, dd11 (back when she was 7) wanted to call him daddy. Dh and I told her she would have to wait until we were married. If she still wanted to it would be OK (at this time dh was willing to upholds the rules for both kids equally and treat kids equally yet still maintained a strong love for SD (I totally made sure he knew I expected him to do this)). Well SD took SD into the hallway and told her that dh wasn't her daddy (dd was maybe 8 at the time). All this was back when I still had a great love for SD (yes I can honestly say I loved her, not the same as my love for my kids, but I loved her). This was back when I'd kids her head goodnight, when I'd hug her and snuggle her when she had bad dreams, when I'd kids her boo boos, back when I'd wipe her ass because she couldn't.
At this point I still care about SD, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't love her. I'm not fond of her, but I do care. I care about her health, I care that she's eating right. Yes I do have expectations. Maybe she's not my kids and shouldn't. But I do believe that all children should try in everything they do. I expect children to follow rules.
Maybe I shouldn't have expectations of a child that isn't mine.
Trust me I do, I've focusEd on my husband. I've kindly explained my expectations to SD a few times, and plan on continuing to explain it to her. As I've explained in my last post, I realize that i went to far.
It's not so much about her maturity add it is her constantly really are mean to my kids. This had been from the moment dds and I moved in together with dh and her (or joint new home). I figured it was just her adjusting, and wanting daddy to herself again. I made sure that dh took her special places. As I took my kids special places so there were times when they didn't even see each other during SD's visits.
A few years later, she's only gotten worse. OCD DD has not had tics for a long while. She's gotten used to SD and her antics. She still gets pissed, but her tics are gone, so I think she's better with it. I think since dh quit doing as many special things (he still does them maybe once every other month) she's getting pissed. This is 5 years later after trying to get her acclimated to our situation.
I really have been trying to be sympathetic about it. But I'm guessing what I do have trouble with us that everyone feels bad for SD, but they don't take into consideration I DO have kids too, I have to be sympathetic to them too. I can't just forget about my kids when SD misbehaves. I can't just let dds be SD's (figurative) punching bag.
Well... I think it's setting yourself up for frustration and resentment when you have expectations of a child that isn't yours when the parents have none. You aren't the ultimate authority for SD and your H obviously does not have the same expectations for her that you would like. So it's really an exercise in futility to hold onto those expectations.
The reasonable expectations to hold on to are the ones where your DDs will be impacted. SD must play nice or she's not allowed to play, even if that means you take your kids and leave the house. It's great that you have a forgiving kid, but I think you would be more successful at this point in teaching your child to avoid those that are not nice/do not behave nicely than you will be at teaching SD to behave any particular way. The lesson of If you're mean, people won't want to be around you is more likely to be learned by your kids avoiding her or you taking your kids out of the line of fire rather than telling SD no one likes her.
Your H will, based on past blogs, throw a hissy fit over this. And I would personally tell him to kiss off - you have an obligation to protect your children and if he won't parent this is how things will be.
This is great advice, thank you. I am trying to learn to lower my expectations. It is hard, but I think I'm getting somewhere with my self on this. It's really hard to try to teach my kids to ignore SD, and not play with her, as they tell me in being mean. I feel bad about that, but I do have to think of my own children's wellbeing (emotionally, psychologically as well as physically. If SD has shoved me and almost knocked me to the ground, I can imagine what she's able to do with my youngest (same age as SD),that weighs quite a bit less than SD. SD10 weighs 115lbs dd10 is 76lbs, they are the same height, true, but I'm pretty sure SD could easily over power dd and hurt her if she wanted to.
I think it's a great lesson to teach kids, particularly girls that taking care of yourself is not mean. Protecting yourself by walking away from a hostile situation and refusing to participate is not mean. It is a reasonable way to handle hostility. Making yourself an available target to be "nice" is helpful to neither party in the long run. It allows one to abuse and the other to be abused. I have seen many girls/women get sucked into staying in friendships and relationships because the other person is manipulative or whatever and accuses the girl of "being mean" by not giving in to whatever the unreasonable request is.
I would present it to your daughters as examples of others, of grown up situations maybe. Would they stay friends and keep doing things if the other person called the police on them for no reason? Would they want to be around someone that was trying to get them fired from a job? Would they want to be friends with someone that lied about them to the rest of the group? Separating from those that do not have good intentions for us is not mean, it is necessary self-care. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming co-dependent or even abused because of the resolute decision to "be nice" in someone else's eyes at all costs.
I think that the best thing you can do is completely disengage from your SD. You don't like her (and your own reasoning justifies your dislike of her. You can paint it anyway you want, but you resent and dislike that child.) At least be honest enough to admit that to yourself. It doesn't matter how you got to that point - it is where you are.
Ask your DH to help you by being a parent to his own daughter. If he won't, then why should you? You have already reached the point where you are damaging your relationship with SD. Don't make things worse. Comparing the kids is one thing, but realize that all kids are different and SDs meanness to your kids doesn't give you the right as an adult to be mean to her.
To help yourself and your marriage do everything you can to disengage from this kid or you are going to find yourself on the receiving end of abuse allegations or supervised visitations for your husband. That is going to damage or end your marriage.
Where you are blogging to release your frustrations, do something in your real life home situation to stop your frustrations as well. This child has the right to a relationship with her father. Allow this to happen without creating a negative environment for the child.
It may not be what you want to see or read, but I would suggest you go for counseling as well. You are the adult, you have choices in this matter. SD not so much.
You are where I was, not love but caring, and trying a little. But beyond fed up with the meanesss towards my kids, the disrespect towards me. I should have stopped it there. I am disengaged now, I can barely stand to look at her. I smile, I am polite, but I look through her.
My kids can't stand her, even their friends can't stand her....she is that MEAN.
Disengage, distance. .......honestly your SD like mine has serious issues, that nobody except her parents can fix. And her parents aren't willing or able.
Kinda hijack, but here's where disengagement and no visitation in the home has lead us. Went to one do the giant theme parks today. H and SD take one car. Me and my kids and their 2 friends and my 3 year old son another car. I hand my son (our son) off to H and SD, so they can go have their precious alone time to nurture their ever precious daddy daughter relationship. My two kids and their two friends go off as a group. But say a big phony sarcastic group goodbye to SD, and all run off and laugh. Cause they know they are gonna be on their own all day and get a ride back with the other kids parents. So it was almost like a big f you to H and SD. But really the only words were Bye, SD name. Big, phony, followed by group laughter and running off. ......ummmm so yeah maybe don't let things get that bad. And yes my SD is one mean little bitch, with no friends. ( I got my son an hour later and left the park so their precious daddy/daughter time could continue)
Also, the daddy/daughter precious alone time is unraveling. Oh poor H, SD only wants to be around him if he's buying her something or taking her some where. Oh, boo hoo.
Comments
I have realized, that even
I have realized, that even though I get lots of mixed feedback, I really need to vent. I do realize that most of what I pay about is just normal kid behavior.
I know people hate when I being up my kids, they think I think my kids are perfect, they are not. But they know which buttons to press, which ones to leave alone, for majority of their life I've been the only parent. I couldn't handle too much stress, and I have blown up on them, I have told them that if they continue in their ways that they will end up with no friends. Dd10, was super super annoying as she has OCD, it stayed when she was 5, and had total melt downs when it came to certain things. These "things" changed all the time, so we had to keep changing how we did things. Super inconvenient for everyone. Nobody believed me that it was OCD, they all thought she was just a spoiled brat. When we first moved in with dh, SD set off dd so bad that she developed tics, Something she's never done/had before. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes again. Dd was seeing a counselor,and as much as I am anti meds, I was very close to allowing the doctor to prescribe something for her. She had horrible night terrors due to SD constantly harassing her and tormenting her. Yet dd continued to forgive her, honestly forgive her, she was so excited when SD was coming. But after one day of SD being with us, dds tics would return.
As much as dd's know dh is not their father, dd11 (back when she was 7) wanted to call him daddy. Dh and I told her she would have to wait until we were married. If she still wanted to it would be OK (at this time dh was willing to upholds the rules for both kids equally and treat kids equally yet still maintained a strong love for SD (I totally made sure he knew I expected him to do this)). Well SD took SD into the hallway and told her that dh wasn't her daddy (dd was maybe 8 at the time). All this was back when I still had a great love for SD (yes I can honestly say I loved her, not the same as my love for my kids, but I loved her). This was back when I'd kids her head goodnight, when I'd hug her and snuggle her when she had bad dreams, when I'd kids her boo boos, back when I'd wipe her ass because she couldn't.
At this point I still care about SD, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't love her. I'm not fond of her, but I do care. I care about her health, I care that she's eating right. Yes I do have expectations. Maybe she's not my kids and shouldn't. But I do believe that all children should try in everything they do. I expect children to follow rules.
Maybe I shouldn't have expectations of a child that isn't mine.
Trust me I do, I've focusEd
Trust me I do, I've focusEd on my husband. I've kindly explained my expectations to SD a few times, and plan on continuing to explain it to her. As I've explained in my last post, I realize that i went to far.
It's not so much about her maturity add it is her constantly really are mean to my kids. This had been from the moment dds and I moved in together with dh and her (or joint new home). I figured it was just her adjusting, and wanting daddy to herself again. I made sure that dh took her special places. As I took my kids special places so there were times when they didn't even see each other during SD's visits.
A few years later, she's only gotten worse. OCD DD has not had tics for a long while. She's gotten used to SD and her antics. She still gets pissed, but her tics are gone, so I think she's better with it. I think since dh quit doing as many special things (he still does them maybe once every other month) she's getting pissed. This is 5 years later after trying to get her acclimated to our situation.
I really have been trying to be sympathetic about it. But I'm guessing what I do have trouble with us that everyone feels bad for SD, but they don't take into consideration I DO have kids too, I have to be sympathetic to them too. I can't just forget about my kids when SD misbehaves. I can't just let dds be SD's (figurative) punching bag.
Maybe I shouldn't have
Maybe I shouldn't have expectations of a child that isn't mine.
THIS^^^^ you just gave yourself your own best advice.
Well... I think it's setting
Well... I think it's setting yourself up for frustration and resentment when you have expectations of a child that isn't yours when the parents have none. You aren't the ultimate authority for SD and your H obviously does not have the same expectations for her that you would like. So it's really an exercise in futility to hold onto those expectations.
The reasonable expectations to hold on to are the ones where your DDs will be impacted. SD must play nice or she's not allowed to play, even if that means you take your kids and leave the house. It's great that you have a forgiving kid, but I think you would be more successful at this point in teaching your child to avoid those that are not nice/do not behave nicely than you will be at teaching SD to behave any particular way. The lesson of If you're mean, people won't want to be around you is more likely to be learned by your kids avoiding her or you taking your kids out of the line of fire rather than telling SD no one likes her.
Your H will, based on past blogs, throw a hissy fit over this. And I would personally tell him to kiss off - you have an obligation to protect your children and if he won't parent this is how things will be.
This is great advice, thank
This is great advice, thank you. I am trying to learn to lower my expectations. It is hard, but I think I'm getting somewhere with my self on this. It's really hard to try to teach my kids to ignore SD, and not play with her, as they tell me in being mean. I feel bad about that, but I do have to think of my own children's wellbeing (emotionally, psychologically as well as physically. If SD has shoved me and almost knocked me to the ground, I can imagine what she's able to do with my youngest (same age as SD),that weighs quite a bit less than SD. SD10 weighs 115lbs dd10 is 76lbs, they are the same height, true, but I'm pretty sure SD could easily over power dd and hurt her if she wanted to.
I think it's a great lesson
I think it's a great lesson to teach kids, particularly girls that taking care of yourself is not mean. Protecting yourself by walking away from a hostile situation and refusing to participate is not mean. It is a reasonable way to handle hostility. Making yourself an available target to be "nice" is helpful to neither party in the long run. It allows one to abuse and the other to be abused. I have seen many girls/women get sucked into staying in friendships and relationships because the other person is manipulative or whatever and accuses the girl of "being mean" by not giving in to whatever the unreasonable request is.
I would present it to your daughters as examples of others, of grown up situations maybe. Would they stay friends and keep doing things if the other person called the police on them for no reason? Would they want to be around someone that was trying to get them fired from a job? Would they want to be friends with someone that lied about them to the rest of the group? Separating from those that do not have good intentions for us is not mean, it is necessary self-care. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming co-dependent or even abused because of the resolute decision to "be nice" in someone else's eyes at all costs.
I will definitely talk to
I will definitely talk to them. Thanks
Maybe this book might be of
Maybe this book might be of service to you.
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.
Its a fantastic book. An easy read as well. Check it out.
Thank you I'll look into it
Thank you I'll look into it
I think that the best thing
I think that the best thing you can do is completely disengage from your SD. You don't like her (and your own reasoning justifies your dislike of her. You can paint it anyway you want, but you resent and dislike that child.) At least be honest enough to admit that to yourself. It doesn't matter how you got to that point - it is where you are.
Ask your DH to help you by being a parent to his own daughter. If he won't, then why should you? You have already reached the point where you are damaging your relationship with SD. Don't make things worse. Comparing the kids is one thing, but realize that all kids are different and SDs meanness to your kids doesn't give you the right as an adult to be mean to her.
To help yourself and your marriage do everything you can to disengage from this kid or you are going to find yourself on the receiving end of abuse allegations or supervised visitations for your husband. That is going to damage or end your marriage.
Where you are blogging to release your frustrations, do something in your real life home situation to stop your frustrations as well. This child has the right to a relationship with her father. Allow this to happen without creating a negative environment for the child.
It may not be what you want to see or read, but I would suggest you go for counseling as well. You are the adult, you have choices in this matter. SD not so much.
You are where I was, not love
You are where I was, not love but caring, and trying a little. But beyond fed up with the meanesss towards my kids, the disrespect towards me. I should have stopped it there. I am disengaged now, I can barely stand to look at her. I smile, I am polite, but I look through her.
My kids can't stand her, even their friends can't stand her....she is that MEAN.
Disengage, distance. .......honestly your SD like mine has serious issues, that nobody except her parents can fix. And her parents aren't willing or able.
Kinda hijack, but here's where disengagement and no visitation in the home has lead us. Went to one do the giant theme parks today. H and SD take one car. Me and my kids and their 2 friends and my 3 year old son another car. I hand my son (our son) off to H and SD, so they can go have their precious alone time to nurture their ever precious daddy daughter relationship. My two kids and their two friends go off as a group. But say a big phony sarcastic group goodbye to SD, and all run off and laugh. Cause they know they are gonna be on their own all day and get a ride back with the other kids parents. So it was almost like a big f you to H and SD. But really the only words were Bye, SD name. Big, phony, followed by group laughter and running off. ......ummmm so yeah maybe don't let things get that bad. And yes my SD is one mean little bitch, with no friends. ( I got my son an hour later and left the park so their precious daddy/daughter time could continue)
Also, the daddy/daughter precious alone time is unraveling. Oh poor H, SD only wants to be around him if he's buying her something or taking her some where. Oh, boo hoo.