Vent..... Bedroom Fiasco
I know I will hear arguments to this post but I just have to vent. DH and I have been together since 2007. I moved from another state with my boys (5 and 7 at the time) to start a new life with DH. When I did this, I hadn't sold my 4 BR home in the other state yet, so we moved into a 2 BR family home to save on costs. DH and I had one BR and my two boys shared the other BR. There was a small "office-like" area in the front of the house that we put a bed in and made a space for his daughter to sleep (2 at the time). A few years ago, we sold the family house and moved into the family farm house. We love it there and we have absolutely no intention to move. We don't own the house - my brother does - and therefore have no option to add an extra bedroom. The house has 3 bedrooms. Up until this last week, DH and I had a room, BS12 and BS14 shared a room and SD9 had her own room. BS12 and BS14 live with us full time. SD9 is only with us every other weekend and an occasional Holiday. A few months ago, I started discussing with DH about how the boys are getting to the age that they need their own space. Hormones are flaring and tempers flare right along with them. I suggested that we put two beds in each of the bedrooms. When SD9 is with BM, the boys will be in their separate rooms. When SD9 is with us, she will sleep in the second bed in BS12's room and BS12 will sleep in the second bed in BS14's room. DH didn't like the idea completely but agreed that separating the boys was necessary. We wrapped that project up this last weekend. Not without argument, but in the end, we both agreed we were doing what was right for our family.
So, today BM calls DH and says that she is "concerned" that SD9 will not have her own space in our house. What? She will have her own space. She will be sleeping in her own bed, with no one else in the room and the entire living space is at her disposal during waking hours. Just like the rest of us. And so now DH has decided he wants to enclose the garage. What? With what money does he plan on doing that? He says he'll get a second job to pay for it. What? I asked him to do that to pay for his attorney bills and how did we pay for those? With my overtime pay. Yea - not so thrilled with that answer - at all.
And I know what some of you will say. She is going to feel pushed out. It isn't fair to her. Well guess what? It isn't fair to the boys either. They have shared a room for 7 years. She hasn't had to share a room at her mom's house (who she is with 90% of the time) and she hasn't had to share one at our house either. How is that fair to the boys? When they go to their dad's house, they sleep on the couch. Why? Because there are only 3 bedrooms at Dad's house and they have 2 stepsisters that live there full time who have their own rooms. Do the boys love sleeping on the couch or not having their privacy? Well no, but they understand and they don't feel entitled to space that would remain vacant 90% of the time if given to them. And they don't complain about the situation because they aren't there to "move in." They are there to spend quality time with their father - and they do.
And it's not like we haven't discussed this with SD9. We sat her down long before we made the decision to go through with it and explained it to her. We've actually talked to her about it several times. We weren't just going to rearrange everything and then let her come to the house and say "surprise - you don't have your own room anymore." We aren't cruel and we do communicate with our children.
So, I probably will hear a lot of negativity about my viewpoint on this one, but I was the child of divorce and I never had my own room at my Dad's house. Didn't keep me from enjoying every minute of the time I spent with him. As a matter of fact, I looked forward to it because I had all kinds of fun - riding the twin mattress down the stairs every night to sleep on the living room floor. I saw it as an adventure, because that's how my dad made it feel. He never apologized for not being able to give me more - because I didn't need more. All I needed was the time I got to spend with him. I wouldn't have cared if we slept in a tent every night. But then again, that was a different time - not the age of entitlement. Geesh!!!!
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Comments
As long as dad is willing to
As long as dad is willing to foot the bill to pay for an extra room, then there shouldn't be a problem.
The fact the he refused to find an second job in order to pay his legal fees is a bigger issue than SD getting her own room.
Agreed - however, problem #2
Agreed - however, problem #2 is that it isn't our house. It's my brother's so although we have free reign on small improvements, not sure my brother wants his garage converted.
If your brother says no, he
If your brother says no, he may decide it's time to move into a larger place. He may still be willing to earn extra money to cover the added expenses.
The fact that you and your ex were ok with the boys sharing/sleeping on the sofa doesn't really matter. Your husband has decided (with help from BM }:) ) that he isn't OK with his daughter not having her own space in his home. Instead of moaning about it, he has decided to take action. That's a good thing.
I never said I was OK with
I never said I was OK with the boys sleeping on the sofa at their dad's house. I don't get a say so in the running of his house - nor would I expect one. I said the boys were OK with it because they don't care as long as they get to spend time with their Dad. And BM doesn't get a say in the running of our house. DH and I agreed to change this up for the betterment of our daily lives. The only reason he is backing down now is because he is afraid to piss off BM. SD9 hasn't even stayed one night in our house under the new arrangement. So I think DH and BM are getting all anxious about something that SD9 will have no problem with. But if I'm wrong, then DH and I will discuss other options. But no, I am not moving from my family home - whether I own it or not. It is where I want my children to be raised. And if my brother doesn't want to add a room or have his garage enclosed, then maybe, just maybe - SD9 will be the resilient kid she is capable of being and the world will keep on spinning, without all of the drama that this has generated.
Well said.
Well said.
I didn't say you said it was
I didn't say you said it was OK. The choices you and your ex made for your boys should have no bearing on the choices your husband makes for his daughter.
You and your ex both made choices for where your boys sleep during your time. Now your husband is doing the same.
After BM but a bug in his ear, his decision changed. So yeah, BM is getting a say in how this plays out. SD may not mind having her own space now, but that may change in a few years.
If your husband is willing to cover the cost and your brother agrees, everyone should be happy. Right?
Except for there is no way DH
Except for there is no way DH can come up with that kind of money - by himself. It's not feasibly possible. There's no heat/air source in the garage. There's no insulation. We've checked into the cost in the past and it's not feasible for us to do it together. And I make a really good salary. So why make promises to SD9 and make the current situation appear to be temporary, when in reality, it isn't? Why not just let her get used to the new arrangement and move on? She's not being tortured or put in a lion's den? Good grief.
I'm going to consider the
I'm going to consider the past accusations of SD about the boys while giving my opinion on the bedroom situation.
I 'get' you're saying the two boys would be in one room together during SD's visits, but frankly the boys stuff/clothing will still be in the room SD is using. I wouldn't want this SD being able to say SS #1 or #2 came in the room and __________, when all kid was doing was getting his pjs or a video game he had stashed under his usual bed.
Have you talked to your brother (owner of house) what he might think of adding on an additional bedroom? I mean if your DH is taking enclosing the garage why not perhaps additional bedroom instead. An extra bedroom might increase value of house while shutting off the garage might hurt value.
Just think long and hard before allowing the SD having weekend access to one of the boy's room where she can be in there at anytime and the boys are at her mercy if she allows them in for something the need. I wouldn't be so concerned about the boys sharing , it's not fair, blah blah blah , as much as I would be about protecting your sons from any tricks and/or harm SD might pull.
Oh, the only thing she will
Oh, the only thing she will be doing in that room is sleeping. We have plenty of living space in our house that she will have access to during waking hours. There will be no instances of her in the room while the boys are in there. No way - no how.
Yeah, it is all about how it
Yeah, it is all about how it is put to the kids! My BS7 has his own room here, as it is only me and him. I just signed my contract for my third year here - guess how many times he has slept in his own room in 2 years? Probably around a month total - with two of those weeks being when my parents visited and slept in my room and I slept in his!
I know people will probably say I am wrong for this, but he usually sleeps in with me. He is used to living in a house with 7 people when I was with his dad, and still lives with 7 people at his dads. If he is not in with me, he drags his comforters and makes dens in random places! Right now it is in my living room right in front the AC unit!
He is 7, he see's this as his summer adventure into the living room! I am sure a 9 year old girl who is not there most of the time is not going to care about having her own room!
Obviously your H will need to
Obviously your H will need to check with your brother regarding any expansion.
Otherwise, I think the arrangement you agreed to is just fine. She still has her own space when she's there with you. There is no need to keep an empty room when the two other kids living there full time are in need of this space.
That being said, if your brother agrees and your H is paying for it, I'd let him convert the garage for your SD. As long as he's converting it for your SD and not one of your kids. Also, don't let him paint it in girly colors, but generic ones as if you move out, your brother can make it a guest or bonus room without too much trouble.
It would annoy the shit out of me to have paid for his attorney's fees with my overtime dollars, but that is an entirely different argument.
Thank you!!! It's nice to
Thank you!!! It's nice to see that not everyone thinks I'm being unreasonable. I don't want her to feel unwelcome. I don't want to push her to the side. I don't want her sleeping on the couch. But at the same time, my kids also deserve to have their own space.
And yes, the money situation is a huge thing for me. When we married, he was making quite a bit more than he makes now. His department was alleviated back in 2011 and he just hasn't been able to find anything in the same pay range - or even close to it. I don't fault him for that, except for the fact that his spending habits haven't changed since that time. And Yes, that is partially my fault because well, I make quite a bit more and I've never said "no" we can't do that. And paying for his attorney is just irritating - on many levels.
I'm not saying no to the room addition. I'm just saying give this situation a chance first. SD9 - soon to be 10 - has had it drilled into her head by BM that when she turns 12, she doesn't have to come visit dad anymore. BM has been counting the days for her. I just hate to think of how much we would invest in a room that we won't be utilizing a few years from now.
I don't think she needs her
I don't think she needs her own room for an EOWE visit.
Thank you dtzyblnd!!!! This
Thank you dtzyblnd!!!! This is what I've said from day one. The kids don't create the drama around this kind of situation, the adults do.
I agree, she'll have the
I agree, she'll have the space to herself. If it were 50/50 my answer might be different.
We had a similar situation, we moved from a 4 bedroom home to 3.
In the first, both of SS's had their own bedrooms. With a spare room for guests. (This was the home BM and DH had shared. )
Our new home has 3 bedrooms and visits are every school holidays and 4 weeks at Christmas.
Because of this we put both boys in the same room. Very often they would sleep in the same room in the old house anyway. Its THEIR bedroom and is treated as such. If they aren't getting on one can sleep in the guest room, IF its not otherwise in use. But during the visits we often have DH'S parents or brother come to visit to spend time with them. So we need the guest room.
Neither they, nor their mother got a say in this. Its our house.
Not as much of an issue now that SS18 is independent.
It will be costly to convert
It will be costly to convert a gargae into a living space and it might decrees the homes value. I would place an armoire for each child in the shared room to help them keep thier stuff seperate. Have your DS clean up when she is coming to visit - this gives the added bonus of teaching hem to keep his space clean and her a clean space to come home to. Plus I would give each one of the a wall to decorate however they wish, so it feels like thier room. They could decorate together.