Update!! Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers!
Okay so last night my husband went to biomom’s uncle’s house to try to reason with her…she LIED about everything. (my husband caught her off guard b/c she didn’t even know that he knew what was going on) and tried to play the innocent role (saying about her huband "I didn’t know he was like that") of course my husband didn’t even go into how we KNOW she knew everything about him and his character (she doesn’t know we have all the police reports from her residence for 2006) b/c his goal was to keep the peace with her…long story short…she is supposed to be brining SD here this evening and leave her here until Sunday (my husband says that he will re-evaluate/re-negotiate with her after that…we just want to get her here first!) So thanks for all the thoughts and prayers! For right now we know she will be safe!!!!! Biomom is scared out of her mind and I know she is to have “agreed” b/c she kept telling my husband that “SD doesn’t need to go with you, she will be fine” but he wasn’t hearing any of that and basically she knows that she cannot fight two battles on two fronts so she didn’t want to battle my husband over SD while she runs from her own….plus, she told my husband that her husband sent her a text message that said “Biodad will have FULL CUSTODY of SD by the time I’m through with you!” A really winner of a husband huh?! So my husband basically told her “look, I don’t want to take her from you or try to get back at you, I just want her to be safe!” I’ll keep you posted!!! It was a good day!
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I hope she shows up with her!
It sounds like your dh made some progress with her. I hope that she shows up and let's her stay with you guys for the weekend. Good for your dh! I'm really proud of both of you!
I think it is important to constantly remind her that you two won't take sd away from her, but want her safe. Even letting her know that you are actually helping her, by providing a place for sd, and freeing up bm's responsibilities so that she can focus on her problems right now.
One thing you might to do help comfort bm's worries about dad taking sd away, is making sure sd calls bm every night. When you show access will constantly be granted, she might even be comfortable with letting her stay for a couple of weeks. I'm keeping positive thoughts for you and dh and sd!
I am glad things are working
I am glad things are working out! Just wondering how you are feeling about possibly becoming a full time stepparent?
That is a good question and
That is a good question and I guess I haven’t really thought too much about it yet…everything happened so quickly (this all only started on Saturday) that my only focus was getting her out of there! But I know that it is something that I will need to sit down and process over the next couple of days and hopefully some of you that are full time step-parents can help me out…honestly, biomom makes VERY bad choices in men (there have been a few since my husband and I have been together but this is the first time she’s married one!) and she has a value system that is the EXACT opposite of my own such as materialistic, hateful attitude (and thinks it is “cute” and has said her mom was a bitch, she is a bitch and her daughter will be a bitch...WOW?!) manipulative and verbally abusive, I could go on and on…but at the end of the day, I know she loves SD…she has some SERIOUS ISSUES but outside of all this (i.e. bringing him into her home and her obvious bad judgment in men) , I would never say she was an unfit mother she doesn’t drink/smoke or hang out till all hours of night, etc….I guess I say all that to say that after she gets herself together, there would be no reason for SD not to go back and live with her if that is what she wanted…the only thing that my husband wants (and I support him on this) is Shared Parenting and an equal access /responsibility/abilities as her father…so we’ll see how it all goes…she’s supposed to be here in an hour or so…..
But you have me thinking and I must ask in return, isn’t that a possibility that we should all anticipate as step-parents…should something really bad happen to the custodial parent (death, disability, etc.) our spouses/sig others could be the full time parents so that is something that could happen to any of us at the drop of a dime…how conscious are we of that? Hmmmm….
Make a GREAT Day!
Funny you should say that...
I was just thinking about this the other day. BM was being her usual self and called about a zillion times and pulled her usual stunts and I thought to myself "God, I wish she would just die!" Horrible, I know... but then maybe even more horrible is I then realized if something DID happen to her, ss would live with us full time. And I couldn't decide which would be worse...
God forbid (or willing, whichever way you look at it) something happened to her, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm a pretty decent person, and try my best to love my ss but a few things would definitely have to change before I could live with him 24/7.
Nise,
Nise,
I asked you this probably becasue of my own fear of 'it happening.'I guess I feel like just like people say 'well you knew he had a child' that I could also say in return that I knew he had a child that lived with his mom. The circumstances in which I entered that relatioship might not have happened if he had full custody. Don't get me wrong I love my husband with all my heart but I am pretty sure that if he was the one who had full custody when we met I know I wouldn't have given him another thought. I was 18 and wanted my freedom and since he only had his son certain times and days I didn't see this as an interference. This may sound extremley cold but I really really dread being a full time stepparent. I love for him to come visit and hang out with us but I have never been prepared for anything more than our weekend and midweek visits. And this is something I let my husband know from the very beginning and to be honest I am 80 % sure that my husband feels the same way. I think that if he came to me and said " can we have 'timmy' live with us I would be as supportive as I possibly could. But I would also make it clear that he would not lay all the responsibilities on me, like most men do. Your right, it is something that sits in the back of my head, as a 'possibility' but am I NOT ready for it now! I know I am going to get burned for it but I'm just stating my truth. I will never be that steparent fighting for custodial rights. I support my husband relationship with his son and I have a great relatioship with my stepson as well. But do I want to be his mom, no. Do I feel a void when he is with his mom, no. I am very happy and content with the time we already have with him. I really think you women out their with full time stepparent responsibilities are saints. Maybe I'm less of a person. I don't know.... I may not like my stepsons mom but she is a good mom. She loves and takes care of her child in a way that only a mother can do. And my fear would be that if he lived with us.... I couldn't treat him the way I treat my own kids. I think that could do more harm that good. If something were to happen to her, of course I would be willing to take him in. But I hope and pray that is NEVER the case! I hear a lot of kids get mad at one parent and want to go live with other parent for a while. And then they get mad at that parent and want to move back to old house. I'm not up for that.
okay girl let me have it
I’m not gonna let you have
I’m not gonna let you have it! LOL! I can fully understand and appreciate everything you are saying! Like I said, I’ve never been a custodial stepparent and I know that dynamic would definitely be a change! In my case, I don’t know if full custody would have made me shy away from my husband…like I’ve said a million times…the man that I call my Dad is not my biological father and he and my mother got married when I was a little one (about 2 or 3 years old or so…he was my uncles best friend) so I have a different “life perspective” on what the word parent means based on my own personal experiences…but I can respect where you are coming from completely! I don’t know that I dread the thought, I think it would be hard but we would adjust…but every dynamic is different…I hope it never happens for you either…but if it did, I’m COMPLETELY SURE you’d do the best by “Timmy” that you knew how (and DILIGENTLY TRY to improve where you saw fault) and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters!
Make a GREAT Day!
What you saying is honest and real!
You being very honest...nothing wrong with that! It is no picnic having full custoday of someone else's kids...believe me. There are no breaks! I also hope for you that things work out that you don't have to have full custody. It sounds as though your current situation is ideal for your relationship which is fabulous. Good luck.
Call me crazy, but I dream of SD coming to live with us
Maybe my situation is a little different because BM is mentally ill and doing serious damage to my SD so I have this "I want to save her" mentality. She is NOT a good mother and I fear for SD's mental health and development living in that crazy environment with such a terrible co-dependent relationship.
But reading Skye22's last point about kids getting mad at one parent and going to live with the other, it gets me thinking. As SD gets closer to her rebellious teen years, do I really want to have her and her moody disrespectful self around full-time? Yikes! I could just see her finally rebelling against her sicko mother and coming to us, at a time when she'll be most difficult to deal with! Maybe then I will say - be careful what you wish for!
For now though, she is a lovely little girl and our family is not complete without her. My 15-month-old is visibly upset for days after her big sister's weekends with us, carrying around her photo (and kissing it!) and wandering around the house calling her name. It's so sad! So I have this fairytale idea that if she came to live with us, it would be perfect and everyone would be happy and we wouldn't have to miss her all the time.
Anyway, I certainly don't judge you, Skye22, for preferring that SS stay with his mom full-time. It's perfectly natural to feel that way. I'm actually surprised by how strongly I feel about SD given that she's not my biological child. I think I can say with absolute certainty that I love her in the same way I love my own child. She's just that lovable.
Nise...I need an update...did she show?
I'm on pins and needles curios to know if bm actually showed up with sd....I'm sorry to sound pesismistic about her showing up, it's just I know how flaking bm's can be, and how sometimes they tell you what you want to hear to get you to shut up, and then do want they WANT to do instead of doing whats right.
Please give an update if you can...if I don't hear from you, I'm going to think that she is with you and keeping you so busy, you just don't have time to update us all:)
Bests,
Candice
Yes she did show up and she
Yes she did show up and she was “on time”! She looked really defeated and like I said I’m sure she didn’t want to do battle on two fronts…also deep down inside I’m sure she is happy that SD is in a safe place even though she argued that it wasn’t necessary a part of her is I’m sure “at peace” with it…
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
Make a GREAT Day!
Awesome...
I'm so relieved!!! You know, she probably is defeated, right now, as a parent, she probably feels horrible that she cannot provide a safe place for her own child...can you begin to imagine how helpless, or ashamed you would feel if your choices led to a path of such destruction that your own child wasn't safe? I know I would feel absolutely terrible, if I punished my own children like this.
I hope she is truly at peace with giving sd to you guys for the time being, who knows, maybe she will say..."can she stay a little longer?" I can only hope for her sake!
Congrat's!
Happy Thanksgiving to you too!