The Alpha Female
In reading a post last week about how some of our SD's are so clingy to their BD's. I have been thinking about it constantly wondering how to effectively put a stop to the competition for him that SD seems to be doing. I was more aware of things she does after reading a link that a poster shared. I can't find the post to reference it.
First of all there is no "us" time when she is here unless she goes to a friends house. I realize that we have EOW for alone time but we should still be able to have a conversation without her right in the middle of it. Also SO and BM lived together in the house we live in for about 8 mos so its not like it was the family home for years. So here are some of the things she does now and used to do. Oh and she is 13.
He has to be in her sight at all times
He goes out to smoke and she tries to follow he stops her then she stands at the door waiting or opens it to talk to him he makes her close the door
She would fall asleep on the couch every night and he would carry her to bed (this stopped when she was given a bedtime which she hates)
He has to tuck her in every night
He has to wake her up every morning
He makes her breakfast every morning
He has to walk her out to the bus which stops right in front of our house
She tries to sit in his lap in the evening while we are watching TV he put a stop to it but she still tries to.
If I am in the bedroom and he comes in to talk to me she is on his heels listening and trying to get in the conversation
She hangs on him all the time
She tries to one up me on everything or tell me I am doing things wrong or correct me
She always brings up her BM and how she was perfect at everything (SO says this is not true)
When we are out at a restaurant she will try to sit as close as possible to him if she can't she gets up from her place and stands next to him
If we are out shopping or running errands or just taking a walk she has to hold his hand
She feels like any decorating has to be run by her first so she can approve it
She reorganizes things in my kitchen to the way she thinks they should be down to folding kitchen towels a certain way
She asks for all different types of food to be kept on hand then she doesn't eat it so it goes bad and gets thrown out
Refers to herself as "baby girl"
Some of this can be considered normal or its just the fact that SO coddles her too much. Just this year he stopped walking her to the bus which she threw a fit over. Now he walks with her to the front door and watches her walk to and get on the bus a whopping 20 feet from our front door. When she corrects me or challenges me I ignore her and SO takes the lead to stop that behavior from her and it has slowed down. The special food requests have all but stopped. She was really mad about this too but SO explained we weren't going to buy the stuff if she wasn't going to eat it because it was wasteful. The reorganizing and thinking we had to get her approval on changing decor, I put an immediate stop to. I told SO then I told her that any changes in the common area of the house were mine and her dads to make if she had an opinion she was welcome to give it to me but the final decision was by her dad and I. Also my kitchen stays the way I want it no more changing things if she had an idea to run by me that was fine but nothing gets touched or changed without my ok. The rest of the stuff kinda goes in spurts some weeks she is super clingy and some weeks she isn't so bad.
I have been pretty consistent with my reactions and 100% ignore the clingy behavior. I have been living with SO for a little over a year and its been about the same for the last year or so. The first 6 months were a nightmare. She was a little princess ordering him around and he was jumping to do whatever she said. SO has come a very long way in parenting and taking back control from SD. It seems like she needs to prove to me that she is #1 in SO's life. I don't know what it will take for her to be secure.
So my way of dealing has been to ignore. I can't say that it has worked all the way it seems like it just helps me to deal with it.
So all in all things have improved but only when SO is consistent with the boundaries and structure. Just my experience. Does anyone else have some strategies or methods to share??
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Comments
"The first 6 months were a
"The first 6 months were a nightmare. She was a little princess ordering him around and he was jumping to do whatever she said. SO has come a very long way in parenting and taking back control from SD. It seems like she needs to prove to me that she is #1 in SO's life. I don't know what it will take for her to be secure"
I can 100 pct relate!!! My SD is similar-she is 11 and does these things from your list:
He has to be in her sight at all times
He goes out to smoke and she tries to follow he stops her then she stands at the door waiting or opens it to talk to him he makes her close the door
She would fall asleep on the couch every night and he would carry her to bed (this stopped when she was given a bedtime which she hates) (bf would pick her up to take her to car to go home-sometimes she sleeps on the couch-but now fights us EVERY time we try to sit together on that couch to watch movies-she feels its HERS-well hers and dads)
He makes her breakfast every morning (Bf goes overboard cooking and preparing meals for her every 30 minutes- MY food!)
She tries to sit in his lap in the evening while we are watching TV he put a stop to it but she still tries to. (SD will try to cuddle next to him or calls him to rub her neck, feet, etc)
If I am in the bedroom and he comes in to talk to me she is on his heels listening and trying to get in the conversation
She hangs on him all the time
When we are out at a restaurant she will try to sit as close as possible to him if she can't she gets up from her place and stands next to him (YES-and she does this at home also!)
Don't know what the solution is-very much sd tries to be alpha female and competes for her dad-he's at least now noticing it more. I'm trying different tactics but I want to vomit every time this happens.
Him walking her to the bus, are you serious??? My boys stopped doing that around age 9? Even before that I would stand at the doorway that's it. OMG he's created a monster, and she's 13!!!
Someone who can
Someone who can commiserate!!! SO has stepped up to try to change the behaviors but she has these moments and its back to square one. But I do see improvement in him so its good. It is also better for her if he changes I mean seriously how will this child make in the world with out him??
Yeah walking to the bus was ridiculous it is seriously 20 feet from our door and she pitched a fit!!! You would think she would be embaressed by it she was 12 years old at the time!!
**gag** I'd have sooo many
**gag** I'd have sooo many issues with princess. Man your DH seriously needs to get his balls out of her purse and reattach them. Thank God he is getting better. There is hope!
**gag** I'd have sooo many
**gag** I'd have sooo many issues with princess. Man your DH seriously needs to get his balls out of her purse and reattach them. Thank God he is getting better. There is hope!
Which is the only reason I
Which is the only reason I stayed I had to see some improvement. It made me sick to see that this child was ordering him around and he was jumping to do her bidding!!! :sick:
Wow she is extreme. It may
Wow she is extreme. It may not help your situation, but here is how I handled ,my SD competing. I stopped interacting with SO. No affection, no talking unless he asked me something. I mostly didn't even stay in the same room. Otherwise, she was doing some of what your SD does, following him, constantly asking him what I just said when I wasn't talking to her. That annoys me to no end. One night he wanted to be around me, so I let him take the lead while remaining disengaged. We sat together while watching a movie. I had a friend and my mom over too. SD made herself look so awkward because at 16 she laid in the pathway blocking getting in and out od the seating area just so she could be right by him laying at his feet like a dog. Then she would sit up on her knees so she was right next to the edge of the couch by him. The couch back was tall though so it looked awkward watching her fish for him to rub her back or her head. She looked ridiculous and others saw it. Finally I said in my most gentle concerned voice, SD the floor is so uncomfortable, you don't have to be there. The chair is open and I bet would feel better. All she said was I will sit there in a minute. A few minutes later she was in the chair. Once I ignored her bait and her daaaad, she had nothing on me. I see it peek out of her at times, but it's not as bad as it was. I still keep e mindset, kids are here, I am off limits to SO. I will not engage in her game.
What is even better, SO is much more attentive and affectionate towards me even in front of her since I have started this.
Man don't you just want to
Man don't you just want to yell "I WASN'T TALKIN TO YOU" -- when I was a kid and my mom was dating she would be talking to a man and I would be all in the business then she'd say "Honey, I need you to get out of my mouth" meaning stop trying so hard to be in the grown folks conversation. When i called her recently to tell her I finally "got it" she laughed and laughed.
I feel your pain. I remember
I feel your pain. I remember reading a book for step moms and the author saying that this happens a lot with little girls in that age range. My bf's kid is 14 now but when I came here (also a bit over a year) I had all the same issues that you mentioned. It all slowly went away with time and also whenever she did something that I felt was her trying to be alpha - I would tell him in private that I wasn't going to tolerate it. The worst was when we had a bunch of his family over to watch a movie and I was still new in the house and we were all sitting on the sofa and surrounding chairs and the only spot open was next to ME (I was next to her dad) and she just stood up staring at him until he motioned for her to sit on her lap and then as soon as she got on his lap she did like a slide down thing until she had slid between me and him. So I immediately got up and went in the bedroom. A few minutes later he came to see what was wrong and I just told him that she could have sat next to me or on the floor - and that he shouldn't encourage her to do stuff like that. I told him that she neeeds to get used to seeing her dad pay another woman attention. He just needs to continue what he's doing based on what you wrote - you keep letting him know when the issues pop up and he needs to stand his ground in supporting you.. but it does take time.
SD did something like this a
SD did something like this a the Superbowl party we were at. There was no room on the sofa for her so she scoots the ottoman from the chair next to the sofa right next to SO. I told her you can't do that you are blocking people's view and you are in the way. SO and SD both gave me a dirty look and I just smiled at them
So she couldn't sit close so she sits on the ottoman and stretches her arm out to rest her hand on his knee :jawdrop: She sat like that for the longest time untill I am sure her arm started hurting she had it fully extended because the ottoman was kinda far away from the couch. Stupid SO just sits there like its normal it was freaking wierd!!!
OMG and she is 30 Your
OMG and she is 30 :jawdrop: Your post just scared me to death!!! She does all the same things still at 30!!! I see SD being this way if SO doesn't get his head out of his ass and start being a parent.