Need ALL Advice You Can Give On Handling Anger

OK...my anger towards my SD20 is spiraling out of control.

If anyone has ever read me here before, you'll remember she has stolen from our home and when confronted she came at me like a cat in a cage, screaming how I've ruined her dad's life and I am his worst mistake. I'm the reason she lost her daddy and she hates my guts, she said.

Since I met her in Sept 2008, I've known nothing but a spoiled, vindictive, manipulative liar. Each and every time I've been around her it's been nothing but lies coming out of her mouth. From being accepted into many prestigious colleges in the country - WITHOUT A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA - to being in Hollywood films - to partying it up out in California with a supposed acting class with the likes of Johnny Depp - to having a brain tumor - NOT - to having SEVERAL life threatening diseases...

..I could go on and on..the list is endless in her lies. I have NEVER been in her presence when a lie wasn't being told, let's just say.

I have NO idea who this girl really is. She got married last October and as of last month was on Facebook at a party half drunk with a man who wasn't her husband - dancing with him while he grabbed her hips and hunched her from behind. What a wonderful marriage she must have - I feel so sorry for her husband and son. She's such a joke.

My husband is back to talking to her - in his mind he doesn't want a rift in the family. He'd rather her steal and lie and overlook it I guess. I, on the other hand, do not wish to overlook it. I've never had this attitude and behavior from my own daughter who is 20 also.

I'm not used to coddling such behavior. And it kills me to watch my husband do it - mainly due to her behaving just like her mother. The behavior she exhibits is exactly what her mother was like and that's why my DH divorced her - yet he coddles his daughter. She treats her husband like shit yet I watch my husband look for a reason - ANY reason - to look hard at his son in law because God knows his lovely daughter sure wouldn't do anything to hurt her marriage. Apparently dancing and hunching in pictures on Facebook is healthy for a young marriage. I'm sure his son in law did something in order for her at act that way - only he could make her do something so horrible. She's such a saint after all.

Today I had my FIL call and ask me to plan something at my SD's for my DH's birthday coming up in May. My FIL is the ONLY person in the family besides my DH to think my SD is actually a human. The rest of us know she's a mutant from another planet. I did everything but cuss the man out to dance around NOT going anywhere near this bitch. I told him we would make plans to visit HIM..not her. We have never been to her new apartment and as for me..I have NO plans of visiting her new apartment. I don't want or care to see it in the slightest.

I'm catching myself becoming so angry ANY time anyone mentions going near this person. I feel that the more she's forced upon me the angrier I'm becoming. I find myself at times feeling guilty for how much I can't stand her..how it must make my DH feel since his wife can't stand his daughter. He's the most loving, affectionate person I've ever met...and I can't stand his daughter. But then I have to remind myself SHE brought this on.

I even find myself feeling that maybe my DH would be better off with a woman that could possibly get along with his daughter..to be able to show up and socialize with her..WHY do I do this to myself? Why am I allowing this bitch to make me feel I'm in the way somehow?

Does this get any easier?

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NewBeginning, I know how

NewBeginning,
I know how hard this must be for you, seeing the man you love encourage this horrible person's behavior. But it IS, and always will be, his daughter. And no matter how awful and dreadful she is, it is going to have to be HIS CHOICE in how he deals with her.

That being said...how YOU choose to deal with her, and him, and their relationship, is quite another matter. Right now, you are giving them both way too much consideration, and power. I do believe it is possible, although difficult, to step even further away from the two of them and their dysfunctional relationship. Because if you do not, you will come to resent your husband more and more with each passing day.

I want NO PART of my middle SD19s life. She has caused our family (and my DH) so much pain, that I cannot, and will not ever forgive her. Mostly because she does not have a moment's remorse for what she has done to any of us. She has NEVER said she was sorry (and never will). She just continues to go on as if nothing has happened.

Unfortunately, because she is DHs child, he has moved on and attempted to forge a "tepid" relationship with her. I, on the other hand, would still like an apology- for my husband, for me, and for my family. And because I knnow I will not ever get it, I am done with her.
Ok, they can have their relationship and I will not stand in their way, but I do not want any part of her. If he brings her up, I quickly change the subject. If he wants to see her, then he goes out to do so.

Is this wrong of me? Can I possibly be so "hard" on a man's "child" whom I profess to love so much? Well, relationships are two-way. And this "child" is now an adult- and disrespectful to boot. If she were a stranger on the street, I would demand a certain amount of respect. If she were one of my students, I would respect a certsin amount of respect. Yet, conveniently, she does not GIVE that respect to her father, my husband.

So, no, I do not respect her as a person. And if she were a mere stranger on the street, I would not want to know her, let alone have her in my home. BTW, SHE chose to leave our home in a hail of awful insults and nasty, hateful comments over 1-1/2 years ago, and even up until that point I kept biting my tongue. But that day was the final straw.

Cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to distance yourself from this. Let your DH know, in clear and uncertain terms that you will not keep him from his relationship with her, but you are not happy with the way she disrespects him as well as your family- and that is why you CHOOSE to keep your distance.

And do not let anyone make you feel guilty for doing so. Good luck to you.

Thanks now4teens. I know this

Thanks now4teens. I know this is exactly what I must do...the only problem I see is that my DH's family all puts on the facade of hiding their true feelings when they get around her. Being that his family lives 2 hours away when he and I visit, SD usually shows up as well. So I watch his family smile and talk to her, but when I'm alone with them they all tell me how much they do not wish to be around her. How they all only put up with her due to the fact they love my DH.

I feel they all want me to do the same. I do not wish to hide my feelings and kiss her ass. I don't see an apology in the upcoming days and even is she does...I sure won't believe it's heartfelt. EVER. She's lied too much and is too much of an instigator to believe it.

I wouldn't choose to know her either if I didn't know her..not at ALL.

I really don't want included in anything that has to do with her. But DH has such a way of WANTING me to be..he's a huge family man and I don't think he fully realizes how much she's hurt me. How much she's shit on our marriage. What kind of daughter tells her father's wife things to try to dissuade and damage their marriage? A sick one, that's who.

That's how I see her.

Now...my goal is to totally give her no power whatsoever. I want nothing to do with her and it's time my DH accept that. Have his relationship with her and leave me out of it.

Thanks for your reply.

Ahhh, aren't families

Ahhh, aren't families great?...NOT!

I understand this fact, in getting together with extended famlies members and wanting to "play nice"- DH is famous for this as well, and in fact, just this past Thanksgiving and Christmas, wanted SD19 to come to our home and be part of our holday celebrations.

Of course, everyone else (her brothers and sisters, grandparents, etc) played along like nothing happened and "Now4teens" was the big "stick-in-the mud" who was uncomfortable with her being there. But I don't play those games- I'm not going to smile and act as if we are all one big happy family. Because we are not. I live in the land of reality. Not the land of "De-Nial" where Cleopatra reigns supreme!

So on those visits, I hate to admit it, I took a little anti-anxiety pill and tried to stay extra busy- cooking and cleaning, and if her "fakeness" really got under my skin, I went into another room and literally physically removed myself from her.

The one thing I have on my side is she is scared to death to say or do anything to confront me, so she at least stays on her best behavior around me.

Luckily, she is away at college, so these visits are few and far between. Plus, she is extremely uncomfortable coming around because she KNOWS how I feel about her...GOOD, I say. Here's a hint. Take it!

Best of luck to you. This is truly a difficult situation. I get along well with most people. just not NASTY ones.

I like your style, StepAside!

I like your style, StepAside! Stepmother conventions for the holidays sounds just WONDERFUL to me! Sign me up!!!

I tried for years to cow-tow to the little "snowflakes" and it only ended up biting me in the ass. Now, the only ones I do nice things for are my DH and my boys- because they are the onnly ones who appreciate it anyway. I've given up trying to "win" with the SDs because I know in the end I never will. Once I stopped trying, my life was much less stressful.

I feel your pain, completely!

I feel your pain, completely! You and I are living the same life! And, I, too, feel my blood boil at the mere mention of Skankzilla's name. I CAN'T STAND that special little "bling" when she texts her father (a million times a day!). Like your DH, mine also fails to see any faults in his little princess. SD24 lies and does anything to keep the attention focused on her. She lives a Jerry Springer life. It's always drama drama drama. She has no education, no job, no future. Like so many girls her age, she thinks baby making is a career. And, like you, DH's family thinks she's just wonderful! Every time she comes to town they kill the fatted calf. It is INSANE!!!!! Like you, I do NOT coddle my own child. She is 28 and was EXPECTED to get an education (which she did) and support herself (which she does).

I finally just disengaged from SD last September. Best thing I ever did. I no longer feel that I am FORCED to participate in her insanity. I no longer care about her at all. DH can keep his head as far up her butt as he'd like, but I am out of the scenario. I figure this is the mess that he and his X created, so I'm letting him deal with it.

I wish I could help. But I

I wish I could help. But I read your blog. I have a lot of pent up anger myself about SD15. Its finally starting to go towards who it needs to HER FATHER.

Just wanted to say I understand.

I wonder..... IF there was

I wonder.....
IF there was some major society awakening to the horrid life we STEP parents live just for being a STEP Parent...Oh you know, things such as giving a damn about kids that we did not give birth to, trying to parent the unparented like we have parented our own, Giving love and compassion, being the $$$ bags that pays bills/court cost/dr appts/cell phones/and so forth...because the NCP is to damn cheap to do it for their OWN kid...not to mention all the other things that most step parents do when they come into a "guilty parent" home: taxi/maid/laundry mat/tutor/short order cook/ in general a door mat...all the while having to enduring the psychological cost/pain of disrespectful/smart mouthed/hateful/spiteful/?demonic Skids plus the BM/MIL/FIL/SIL's and so much more ALL in the name of loving the bio parent of a skid.... THEN would the Step parents of this world get the respect that they SO deserve!!!!???? And would the GUILTY PARENTS be made to pull their heads out of their butts and get REAL with their SPAWN/BM/Mothers/Sisters....and themselves???
ONLY IF we Steps had some positive backing and the "guilty parent syndrome" was defined and brought to light for what it REALLY is...a COP OUT on parenting!!
GOD forbid the GUILTY PARENTS/Skids were then held ACCOUNTABLE for the BS that has been wrongly blamed on the Step Parent... THEN would we STEP's be seen and valued for the positive role that we play?? Hummmmm......I'm just wondering?.....

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