Should I say something to SD15?
Like most BPD/NPD (in denial) people, BM has huge big shiny red buttons that are easy to push. (deliberately or unintentionally) One of BM's buttons is me. BM has forbidden the word "stepmother" in her house, and just the mention of me can send her into a rage.
SD15 has gotten sick of being BM's punching bag, and is very deliberately pushing her mother's buttons. After BM calmed down from the obscenity-filled cussing-out she gave SD15 the other day, SD15 decided to stir the pot. She told BM she was excited to come to NC for Thanksgiving. "Why?" asks BM, "because you're seeing your dad and your grandmother?" "No," says SD15, "because I get to see my stepmother."
This makes me uneasy. While I wish BM no good, deliberately provoking someone you love is a poor behavior to get into, and I don't like that SD15 is doing it. I also worry that BM will take her rage out on SD15.
But on the other hand, maybe BM will get distracted by me. It's no skin off my nose - I haven't spoken to the woman since Christmas '08. (Christmas '10, I walked past BM like she didn't exist at the skid swap) She very literally cannot affect my life in any negative way.
Should I say something to SD15? If so, what?
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Maybe point out that actively
Maybe point out that actively antagonising her mother isn't very kind. And that is about all I would say.
But it is not your fault her mother flies off the handle at the mention of a generic term. I mean it is as silly as having a meltdown because someone says 'pot' instead of 'saucepan'. Of course she could REALLY get her mother going by calling you "Dad's wife." But I am evil that way.
Maybe point out that actively
Maybe point out that actively antagonising her mother isn't very kind. And that is about all I would say.
I'd go this route.
I agree with oneoffour and
I agree with oneoffour and thatgirl. *What they said*
And not go to there, but I will.... wasn't it glaringly obvious that her mom was somewhat antagonising SD with this exchange by purposefully omitting YOU?:
She told BM she was excited to come to NC for Thanksgiving. "Why?" asks BM, "because you're seeing your dad and your grandmother?" "No," says SD15, "because I get to see my stepmother."
My own thoughts: yup, so BM doesn't like you. You are her "button" as you say. But I see where SD is coming from, she's not going to play into it. Maybe SD hopes that if she "defies" her mom's wishes enough, that BM will give up (or at least temper) her crazy as it applies to you?
Why say anything? You are not
Why say anything? You are not in BMs home and you cannot control what SD does there. You can control what she does in your home.