SD14 is talking to DH about living with us

:jawdrop:

Well, okay, not so much :jawdrop: DH and I have know for years that BM is a nasty piece of work, and we've watched her get progressively nastier as SD14 has started thinking for herself and stopped being a child.

Apparently, things are getting bad at BM's household. BM has been unemployed for two and a half months, her grandmother died, an old boyfriend committed suicide, and BM has been travelling for most of the last month, to funerals and to help out her friends. This leaves her DH at home worrying about the bills he can't afford on his salary alone, and taking care of two kids who aren't his. Everybody is stressed out, and the tension is pretty high. SD14 has withdrawn a lot, which has gotten her taken to a shrink again, and she's now on a different kind of anti-depressants and a prescription sleeping pill. BM has absolutely no coping skills and reaches for pills to solve everything, so that's what she's doing to SD14, who has been on anti-depressants for two years now. SD14 is pretty miserable, gets out of the house every opportunity she can, and the adults are starting to blow up over little things.

So SD14 called DH last night, and asked him what he thought about her coming to live with us. He pulled me in on a three-way call, and we all talked for about an hour. I think DH needed to curb his mouth because he kept taking potshots at BM, and I had to tell him to knock it off. He was also way too eager to tell SD14 how much better our house is. I flat out told SD14 that even if she's 100% certain, it was was not a sure thing that a judge would rule in our favor. We told her that she was not to use us as a threat toward BM. We talked about relationships and what happens when you're stressed out.

Turns out SD14 has been planning to move in with us in the summer of '12 for a couple years now. I'm not sure how much of it was just wishful thinking or supposition, but we certainly hadn't heard anything about it.

Hoo boy, and I thought we had enough drama - we're still waiting for BM to go after DH and try to double his CS.

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NCMilGal - Don't fret girl...

It sounds like your BM may give you a battle (partly because she won't want to lose her CS and partly because of the hurt of SD choosing DH over her). I expect for your BM to lay so much guilt on your poor SD that SD may end up doubting herself and her desires to live with you. All of those things happened here with BM. Our saving grace is that SD was in counseling for her issues with her mom, and she was also 14. The thought of having a court ask SD which parent she would rather live with and having therapists recommend SD living with us full time was enough to make BM not want to bring it all out in the open! Perhaps your BM will be the same?

After those battles are fought... it may end up being the best thing for you and DH, and definitely for SD. It sounds like you can provide SD with the stability she needs. Also, you will be able to teach her better coping skills, and social skills. She will be with you 24 hours a day, so your influences won't be part-time! There's real reward in that. SD here is a completely different kid than she was 2 years ago. I think you will really see some great changes in your SD as far as growing up, while she is more under your and DH influence.

The only thing I can suggest is talking these 2 things over with your DH and SD...

1. As you said, this cannot be used as a threat. When we had SD come here to live with us, we told her what we expected (chores, dressing appropriately, keeping her room & bathroom clean, etc.) and we told her she had to live here at least 6 months and then we would revisit it. But there would be no going back before 6 months was up. After 6 months, we could talk again. At that point, she could go back to her mom's if she missed it, but there would be no going back & forth. So she needed to think these things through - all of it... before just acting.

2. We prepared SD to some extent, with her counselor, of what could come from BM. The therapist helped her work through guilt that SD had toward her mom and we just were taught to acknowledge and validate SD's feelings but not bash BM. It's very hard! Especially when BM's motivations were self-centered (how would it look on her if SD left?) and monetary (would we expect cs?)

There's so much more to say... but just let me know if I can help. I have been through this. Sd was the same age, in therapy, and was put on anti-depressants. BM cared more about her own life, rather than being home for the 50% she had her own kid.

But I do really believe that as scary as it is... it will ultimately be the best thing for everyone. DH and I wish we had done it sooner!

Stick, thank you. The reason

Stick, thank you.

The reason a judge would take one look at us and laugh at a custody request is our jobs. DH and I are military. This gives us a huge advantage in raising a teenager to be a productive adult, but...

Since we've been together:
Jan '06: we met
Summer '06: DH is going to deploy, so we get married (for the wrong reason, but hey, it's been working)
Summer '07: I deploy to Iraq
Spring '08: I go to school 2/3 of the way across the country for three months
Winter - Summer '09: We both deploy; him to South America, me to Iraq
Spring '10: I deploy to Afghanistan
Summer '10: DH goes to a year-long school 2/3 of the way across the country
Summer '11: DH graduates, the following month, I deploy to Afghanistan

DH's future unit will be deployed when he arrives, so he won't be deploying again until late 2012, but this time, it'll be for a year. (we usually go 4-6 months) I'll almost certainly be going again during that time frame. Even if I can work it so I don't, BM would flip at leaving SD with me.

We're willing to work for her, but honestly, I don't think her life is so bad. Sure, BM is a bitch, but so are a lot of people. I absolutely HATED my mother when I was a teenager, and I didn't have an option of living anywhere else. The forcing medication and the emotional atmosphere is a different thing, but she's not being abused - at least that a court would see.

NCMilGal... I hear you about

NCMilGal... I hear you about the jobs. But I think I also read that your BM is borderline abusive, fiscally irresponsible, and doesn't keep a clean environment for a child. In other words, it's an unstable, and not so healthy environment. ?? Am I thinking correctly? If that is true, I am not sure that the judge would automatically side with BM in your case.

The thing about your jobs though is a real hurdle. I understand because...

Summer 2002 - I met DH - I was traveling for work in an entertainment field and was gone about 8-10 months out of the year. I didn't think he & I had a chance! ha! Now, DH did work locally in construction at that time, and had at his job for about 8 years at that point, so he was always the stable one for SD.

Fall 2003 - we moved in together. I'm still traveling 80-90% of the year for work.
Fall 2004 - SD comes to live with us true 50/50, where we had her every other night. I"m still traveling 80% of the year for work.

Summer 2006 we get engaged. SD started her downward slope emotionally and we knew that she would probably come to live with us once we were married. (We of course thought no way would DH get his daughter when we were just living together).

Summer 2007 we get married, and get back from our honeymoon and DH loses his job. At that point, SD was already starting to spend more time with us than BM. DH was unemployed for 1/2 the year and then he came out into my field. BUT our schedule was 3-4 months away from home, where SD was with her mom, and then she was with us the rest of the time. We then would do 1-week, "one-offs", and I was still traveling more than he was. At that time, SD was with her mom while we were both gone, and lived with us while we were both home. (So, 8 months with us, 4 months with mom)

By May of 2009, SD's therapist had told us that even though SD was living with us the majority of the time, any consistent living with her mom was detrimental to her emotional state. For the same type of reasons you have stated in another blog... BM was emotionally harassing kid, always having money issues and telling SD not to answer the phone because bill collectors were calling, and BM cared more about fixing the outside of the house rather than buying oil for heat and hot water, or a stove that worked. BM would work until 5, but not get home to SD to fix dinner on a school night until or 9p sometimes...

DH had been offered a fantastic position right at that same time in May of 2009. Our plan though was to tag team it. DH would take a job on the road, then come home and then I would take a job on the road, and then come home. SD would always live in our home with one of us. It didn't work out that way though. DH's job lasted 15 months and he was called right into another one.

So... now I"m home and locally based and have been for the past year. My career, our finances have taken a hit. We did it because we knew that SD was too much of a mess emotionally not to do it. It doesn't sound like your SD is that bad. Have you talked to her counselor about SD's true mental state, and what this moving might entail?

I'm thinking the military won't let you guys tag team it as we had planned to do. Do they accommodate families that way? I don't know...

And you are right... BM here does not like that SD is basically living with me alone, instead of her mom, while DH is on the road - for months at a time.

And it's hard all the way around. SD misses her dad (but you are already dealing with that) and DH and I are apart for long periods of time (and you are already dealing with that). But there's another element, I think, when it's just SD and I, and I am making parenting decisions without DH or BM because I'm the one that's here. So it definitely is something you might want to think about.

Don't know if what I wrote makes sense. And I don't know if it will work for you , other than - when you and/or DH are home, SD lives with you... if you are both gone, SD lives with BM. Will that work with the school districts?

Best wishes...

Stick, The house is clean.

Stick,

The house is clean. BM had a house cleaner (although I suspect that's not the case any more) and part of SD's chores is to keep it clean day-to-day; dusting, vacuuming, etc.

BM is financially irresponsible, but I don't think her DH is. I think they probably stretched to the limit of their double-income finances keeping up with the Jones' and now that she's been unemployed for almost 3 months, the stress is building. I doubt they're at the point of bill collectors or shut off utilities, but there's no doubt that money is tight.

Emotional abuse; that's a judgement call. BM sees other people as a way to fulfill her needs, and if you don't act exactly as she wants, she tends to yell and scream. The incident that prompted the phone call from SD14 was this: BM bought SD something she thought she would like. SD had her hands full when BM handed her the bag, and went to set down what she was carrying. She then opened it, came back and thanked her mother, who said, "Whatever, you ungrateful brat." and stomped to her bedroom and slammed the door. BM often tells SD that her opinions don't count or are stupid because she's a teenager.

BM won't let SD14 chose her own hairstyle or clothes and gets mad when SD14 doesn't wear clothes that she hates. At that point, the story is, "You begged so much for that, and now you won't wear it." Might be true in some cases; I'm only hearing one side of the story here.

BM trash-talks people behind their backs in front of the kids, and is syrupy-sweet to their faces. We know she trash-talks us to SD14. Her opinion of us doesn't bother us, but I wish she'd knock it off in front of SD14. We get awfully snarky about BM - I believe the most common name is B****face - but never ever in front of SD14.

SD14 is... a very sensitive child. She's a super people-pleaser, and could even be termed a doormat. Her feelings get hurt easily. She feels guilty a lot. During the call, she said, "But I can't make a decision just because it makes only me happy! That's selfish!" That's what BM has drummed into her head; that she's supposed to subjugate her feelings to make others happy. SD is going to end up married to an abuser if she continues. So we try to give her growing-a-backbone lessons.

As far as working deployments goes; the military will work with us, but can't guarantee. No matter where we go, we'll be a very long drive away. Currently the possibilities are Fayetteville, NC, Savannah, GA, Killeen, TX, and Nashville-area TN - SD14 lives in Louisiana, south of New Orleans. I really don't want to disrupt school, or move her around that much.

If she can hang on until she's 18, it'd be so much easier. We'd love to have her live with us while she goes to college, and at that point, she can live in the house by herself. By that point, we might even be geared down enough that deployments will be less frequent.

In the end, if it's what she really wants, we'll try.

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