ramblings - I think Im done, just not prepared
I wanted to get to the Spring. Nicer weather, maybe that helps lift moods. If nothing else it’s a better time to put the house on the market.
Now I don’t know how to get through the week. I really feel like there is nothing left between my wife and me anymore.
We went out to dinner on Sunday, partially because we are trying to go on ‘dates’ at the advise of our counselor. It was also for my Bday which was this week.
We went to dinner, she looked nice and I thought we had a nice time. Time was limited with BD2 being watched by my MIL.
We had another counseling session on my Bday. I want to talk about our issues… My wife needs to talk about a TV I wanted to buy.
First it was about the money for the TV. But that is covered. I have been saving Xmas and Bday gift money toward it as well as selling some old collectibles that have no personal value any more. Not to mention I sold my sports car to cover bills and have some savings.
Then it was about where would it go… Discussed it
Then it was about me not spending quality time… We discussed a schedule and balance.
Then it was about how much spending money should we budget for ourselves…
This TV clearly bothers her, the counselor keeps asking her why.
As time was ending on our session she mentions how I wouldn’t want to spend that kind of money on SD13…
The counselor seemed a bit taken back by this. She said we cant seem to cover any topic without SD13 being brought up. Session ended on a sour note but we try to leave it in the room and not continue arguments outside of session.
That evening I come home from work feeling a bit low. DW is making dinner, which is rare. She bought a precooked roast chicken, stove top stuffing, and mashed potatoes. She never was much of a cook, but I appreciated the effort. My Bday has never been a big deal for me but if she was going to show any affection it would be my Bday, right?
At dinner I was given 2 cards. One from SD13, front was a picture of a dog, the inside said Happy Birthday. Signed with just her name. Pretty plain, but it covered the perceived requirement. The other card was from BD2 in which she scribbled in crayon. Clearly DW got both cards. No card from DW… she later mentioned she couldn’t find it. 2 days later and no card.
Things have been strained, so its not like I was expecting a passionate evening. But I thought maybe I would get a Happy Bday hug or kiss or something that resembled affection for me. There was none.
She made me dinner, bought a cake and put a candle on it. Got cards from the kids to give to me. She covered the requirements, she can say she did what was expected if the outside world was watching.
This hit me kind of hard. I feel completely rejected. I think she is willing to continue with the façade for the foreseeable future. I cant keep it up much longer. I left work Wed and took another sick day today to try and get myself together so I can focus on work. Its not great for the career to be having anxiety attacks at the office.
Everything seems like an extreme effort. Its like trying to hold your breath underwater, you can only hold it for so long. I have to hold my breath again and again and again to get through my days. Its just a matter of time before I drown.
My plan was to get the house sold in the spring, at a loss. Take the balance from the sale and buy a condo or townhouse. Someplace cheaper, but nice. If things weren’t working I would leave. I would know that they were in a decent place that wouldn’t be impossible to maintain financially. Somewhere, I figure out housing for myself, figure out how to not fall apart so its not used against me in any custody hearing. I have to stop this train of thought but it seems impossible. There isnt anything I can do but hold on until we can sell this house.
In the end all I see is my daughters face, and how I wont get to see it each morning and night once Im gone. EOW is what Im likely looking at.
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Comments
Tough Times
First of all Happy Belated Birthday!
I is very hard to live like that for sure! Hang in there This Too Shall Pass.
When my Ex and I split nine years ago we separated living "separate and apart" in the same house-It was a nightmare for one whole year-I thought I was going to die! However, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other....
I hope you see your Dr. re the anxiety attacks-there is help for anxiety and it is a very real thing (my current DH suffered for years from anxiety).
Take care and keep us posted!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
oh msloan...
i knew this post was coming...and im so very sorry.
all i can say is that it doesnt seem like anyone can get thru to ur wife. she needs counseling on her own, i think. maybe shes just poisoned from what her first marriage was like...at any rate, u cannot continue to live like this and u know it. its not good for anyone, especially not BD, who will pick up on it as she gets older. i dont know why ur wife is doing this, and why she cant face reality...something must be going on that shes not sharing.
things will work out for u...they have a way of doing so. get a plan in place and make it happen. there is someone out there who will see u for the amazing man u are and who will stop at nothing to hold on to u. i promise.
as for BD...EOW is not the likely option. u can be as involved in her life as u want to be. maybe every other week would work, at least while shes young. courts favor joint custody as much as possible and we all know they like both parents to have an equal role if willing. and u are. so fight for custody, bc if u show the judge u want as much time w her as u can, u will likely get it.
hang in there...and big hugs...we are all here for u.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I have to agree
fight for 50/50 custody--if it gets to that point.
I wish your W could realize that life is not all about her daughter. I wonder if this is why she got the first divorce. If she lost touch with her xH becuz she was to involoved/overbearing with SD. What is she thinking?! You can only get the tv you have been saving for if SD gets a $1000 spending spree?! She is 13 years old. Life is not equal for children and adults, we parents work hard and deserve to recieve things for that. Children will grow and will be able to save for things they want.
I think that is what most children in this generation believe. That they are on the same "level" as adults. They are not. Your W needs to get a grip before she losses you. Your W sounds a lot like the H people talk about here. Guilt parenting, becoming completely obsessed with her child.
I wish you luck, maybe your W should see the counselor on her own ( and you to). Your W needs someone who can talk to her rationally about getting her priorities in order. And maybe you could use someone to help you sort out what you really want? To leave or to stay?
JMO
Ya'll need a heart to heart
DH and I had these several times before one actually took. It was the one where I told him I still was in love with him and wanted things to work. He was surprised - I think he thought I did not care and that I was trying to get him to leave. When in fact, as a person all I wanted was some respect in my own home. However, I also told him that I could not continue on with the unspoken silence, stress, passive agressive moments, etc. I also told him I was giving the relationship 6 months and if things did not change I was calling it quits. I told him everything else I expected.
MSloan, I put it all out there for him. I did not leave anything to the imagination. Counseling is great in some situations, however your wife is not listening. You need to pull her aside away where you can talk and tell her exactly what you are telling all of us. Tell her exactly what you expected on your B-Day and what you got. You have to be compeletely honest with her. You have to tell her what you need. That means everything. I mean it!! Then give her a deadline.
If this does not work then you have your answer and you know you did every thing you could to save your marriage.
I know you're a guy. It's not easy for men to open up - but you have to!!!
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
MSloan
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I wish I had answers but sometimes you just need someone to vent to. So vent away!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
I'm sorry your going through
I'm sorry your going through this. I agree that maybe some medication until things calm down would help. I also agree with Harleygal, I think you need to talk to her and giver her a time line, and if things don't improve, then you need to move on. At least that way you can feel that you have some control of the situation. My BF moved in with his brother and sister in law for 2 years so his family could stay in their house and continued to pay mortgage for them. It's hard to move out I know and worry about where your child will end up living. But remember you are not solely responsible for where they live and how things will come down, your wife is responsible too. So it is not totally on your shoulders. I agree with Harleygal you need to be totally upfront with her and her with you on your expectations and your needs and hers. Good luck to you. And Happy Birthday! Let us know how things are going.
hang in there
I think we all have felt like this at one time.
I did live with my ex while we tried to sell the house, it was bad but like endora said put one foot in front of the other. look at it as a jigsaw puzzle take a piece do what you can with it, go onto the next piece- enjoy your BD devote your energies to her...I also agree with harleyg put it ALL out there you have got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
good luck. we are here for you!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I am sorry
you are going through this! I agree with everyone else when I say she's just not getting it. I know you havent' been open with her, so maybe trying Harley's suggestion? It may just work. HUGS!
MSloan, I too am sorry
First and foremost, see a doctor about the anxiety. There are very effective meds these days which help. My DH takes them and it helps him, especially when he feels overwhelmed with family things AND work. You can't be productive during the day if you're in the middle of anxiety attacks- they're just debilitating.
Secondly, I think we all know from your postings how much you have tried with your DW. Maybe she's just given up. Some people, for whatever reason, just do and there's no explanation for it (which leaves the person who STILL wants to work things out incredibly frustrated!).
But like Harley's suggestion, maybe there's still hope.
But either way, I think it's good to have a plan in place so you don't feel like you're drowning.
And family is sometimes the best solution. I don't know if anyone here suggested it, but could you move in with any family members to help you in the event you wanted MORE time with your BD than just settling for EOW? Just something to think about.
Best of luck to you. We're all here to support you. Feel free to vent away.
And Happy Belated Birthday. HUGS!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"