Just a chump
I feel like a complete chump. At our last couseling session we discussed the events of 12/26.
DW needed to grocery shop as her family was coming to our place on the 27th. BD2 baddly needed a nap but was resisting. I was fighting a bad cold. I agreed to drive her to the store so she can shop and BD will crash as always in the car. If she was still sleeping Id also go up to the mall to BabiesRUs to get bedrails for her new 'big girl bed'.
As we were leaving, SD13 gets in the car, she was feeling cabin fever DW said and she was going to help with the grocery shopping.
So BD falls asleep and I sit in the car killing time for almost 90 minutes. SD and DW come out and load up the groceries. Off to get the bed rails. The shopping plaza is a huge nightmare. Total gridlock. It took forever to park. I dropped DW off in front of the store and made my way to a parking spot. SD stayed in the car. 15 mins later DW comes out and we start the fight to get out. DW pipes up with 'SD was hoping to go to X store to get some new pants.' Yup I was setup. I said no. The parking lot was real bad, I felt like hell and SD cant quick shop, ever. SD begins to whine and bitch and moan. Her attitude goes to hell. DW says I told you maybe, it depended on how your step dad feels.
She needs good jeans because family is coming and all she has is 'shitty' jeans. I wait to the count of 3 and say 'watch your mouth' This basically turns into a wholly unproductive conversation in which DW stares out the window never opening her mouth.
In session couselor tells her she absolutely set me up. Telling SD maybe depending on me only leaves me in a position to be the bad guy... again.
So she might learn right?
After a good snow storm last night I go out to work on clearing the driveway. Its a beast of a drive and I spend 2 hours busting my ass. I even do the steps in front and back. I come back in, get the stove going again becasue no one put wood on it.
I start upstairs, I need a shower and some time on the heating pad. I hear SD in the bathroom with the hair dryer going. She is asking DW what to wear. I have no idea they had any plans.
As I come up the stairs DW steps out, dressed nicely and hair done. She says SDs friend has 2 free tickets to the show she is in so they were getting ready to head out. BD will need a nap soon... I walked downstairs and paced awhile to collect myself. Again, setup.
I go upstairs and tell her I need a shower 1st. And I want to be asked before hand, not 15 mins before you leave. She said she was asking. Theat she told SD that going was dependant on how I felt. If I wast up to watching BD they wouldnt go.
I explained this was another setup even worse than before. She didnt think it was at all! She knows Im pissed. I say to go, I will take the quiet time with BD instead of the moody place if I say no.
So they go, DW sends in SD to say thanks for letting them go... It feels so sincere when you know they were specificaly sent in.
I feel like a chump. Im trying to make things work for my daughter. Some days I feel like we might have a chance. Most days I think there is no way in hell.
- MSloan86's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
no
Why cant you say no? You know they are setting you up and by agreeing to their terms you are condoning their behavior. Set a good example for your daughter and hopefully she will learn how to say no herself.
I could say no, and I have.
I could say no, and I have. I just dont appreciate the lack of consideration. They couldnt ask earlier because I was outside... Thats BS.
I dont mind taking care of my daughter at all. We have fun, she is napping peacefully right now. I am happy to have the quiet time.
If I said no I just suck that much more in SD's eyes. Getting my wife to see she is trying to live the life of a single parent making all the decisions without my imput, but expecting me to account for everything I do...
Maybe Ill just buy that big TV I want. I make all the damn money as it is.
You're right
there is no reason why one of them could not have came outside to let you know what was going on.
I have to admit with my SD9 I will say yes to a request and then say "but ask your Dad, he has final say". I might be setting him up, maybe? I should probably ask him in private first, but I find my SD will always blame me when her way is not given---when it is usually her father that says no.
I wonder if your SD is like that. Even if your DW came out and discussed it with you, and you said no, would your SD still blame you?
Not saying that it makes it o.k for your DW to do this to you, becuz it is NOT.
Your DW doesn't seem to understand when she is or how that is setting you up to be the bad guy. Hopefully you can go through this more in therapy with her. It will be a hard habit for her to break---but she first needs to realize what she is doing and how it affects your (and SD) relationship.
She didnt think this was a
She didnt think this was a setup, but it fits the definition. I will have the counselor tell her so next session.
You are right, she is trying to be her friend and I am the bad guy always.
I kinda of understand what DW is doing
You basically said it yourself - she is trying to live the life of the single parent . I was doing that too when my H and I first got together. For the prior eight years it had been just me and my son. I gotta tell you for quite awhile I looked at the situation has two seperate families - Me and my son as one family and then H, myself and all the kids as another family. I was wrong for this and my H pointed it out to me. It was a habit I had to break - I mean I had been living just me and my son for eight years, after that long it becomes a habit! I still grab a day once or twice a month for just me and my son - I think our relationship is important! But I don't do the things like you are talking about anymore - I starting working on merging the picture in my mind as soon as H pointed it out. It sounds like your DW is in the same boat - maybe she is feeling guilty that she has other things going on and she my think she needs to give more attention to SD - it is a difficult thing to juggle - you love for you child and you love and commitment to your relationship. I think your biggest issue is the 'unplanned' events. You DW needs to plan time for her and sd and it needs to be planned with you and BD in mind.
She is doing things to make
She is doing things to make up for what lacks in other areas. Her BF isnt in the picture much at all. I am not the storybook daddy she seemed to hope I would become to her daughter.
At 13 SD is pulling away and DW is giving all she can to keep the relationship they once had.
SD has to be taken to 3 dance classes a week. Cheering practice 2x a week, plus games and cheering events. Now indoor soccer too. Then there are all the social get togethers she must be carted to.
I dont even know how to try anymore.
WHen I left for work this morning my DB2 asked me if I was 'home today' We had fun in the snow Sunday. I told her no, daddy has to go to work. She seemed sad.
Then she walked up to my wife and said 'Daddys going away' just the way it sounded, with the thoughts Ive been thinking, I immediately teared uo and headed out of the room. My little girl is all I have at this point. I am close to my breaking point, she is what I hang on for.
My husband does this to me all the time!
He will tell SD15 it's OK with him if she does something but he has to ask me. So, if I say no, I'm the bad guy. All the time! It's gotten so that everytime SD15 is here her friend comes over. I don't mind the friend coming over occasionally but not every time. So, last time, DH didn't ask me. He waited until I was out of the house and told her to come over. I came home and there she was. He knows I'm not going to kick her out of my house, but it sure did piss me off. He "claims" he didn't know she was coming over until after I was gone. Whatever, I don't believe it.
She IS setting you up. I called his bluff on this by flat out saying NO one time. Usually I voice my disapproval but short of a NO he does it anyway. So he got around it.
this is so sad msloan
my heart is breaking for u...
i dont even know what to say or what to offer as advice. it seems to me like the only relationship ur DW cares about is the one w SD, and she doenst even care about possibly making her baby girl turn out to be an EOW kid too.
i would consult a lawyer and see what u could expect in terms of custody and visitation...if counseling isnt even getting thru to her...wow. i just am so so sorry...big hugs.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I wonder if she is just
I wonder if she is just going through the motions waiting for me to get fed up and leave. Then its all my fault, I’M the one who left, filed, whatever.
I also think she is more concerned about any stigma or judgmental attitudes about being a single mom to 2 kids, from different men.
Ive had a hard time writing blogs recently. I delete most of them before posting. Rereading what I put into words just depresses me and to some degree I am embarrassed about my situation
Taking meds and starting individual counseling this week. Couples counseling may be discarded before long..
dont be embarrased
none of us is perfect and you are on here trying to figure a way to make it work and if you cant be aleast as honest as you need to be then how can this site help you.
we are not here to judge just to offer our insight and help a parent in need.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
u shouldnt be embarassed
i know we're only hearing one side, and its yours but it seems like u are doing ALL u can and she just wont change. if counseling cant help, then ??? u cant continue to live like that and saying together for ur BD is no good either. as she gets older, she will see more and more of the unhappiness and know its bc of her that u stay. ur W needs to wak eup and start realizing what she is doing to ur marriage and ur FAMILY.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Set Ups...
Yepper, DH used to do this to me all the time with the Stepbrat also...Trying to make me out to be the "bad guy" is one of his favs!!!
I've reached a point where I don't give a crap anymore..I'll be the wicked step mom...Everytime they ask me something and he sets me up like that it's an automatic "NO"...
Real funny how him and Stepbrat caught on to that and he doesn't do that to me anymore, with most things anyway! LOL..
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities.~ disgusted
She doesnt get it. The
She doesnt get it. The biggest wedge between us has been SD13. Yet instead of doing anything to help me improve it she only makes it worse by making me the bad guy. I wont just start singing the praises and tossing rose petals at Ms moody cuz her mommy does... I call her on her shit, mommy doesnt. I see her maniplulations and catch her lying. Her mom doesnt...
Trying to get through to DW I may as well try to claw my way through a brick wall.
It seems sort of a given
When anyone at any time asks FH if he can do/will do/wants to do something that will impact our time together, be they family, skid, friend, etc he says "I'm not sure, let me get back to you" and then asks me about it. I do the same thing for him. No one is the bad guy if that is said, and if the other person doesn't want to do it, it gives time for a generic excuse.
If SD had asked your wife, while out shoveling, to get the pants, and she said "I'm not sure let me get back to you" then asked you in private when you came in, it would have given you the respect and opportunity to say "babe I really don't feel well, if you want to bring her tomorrow afternoon, that would be fine, or I'll watch BD later so you two can go" etc. At the very least it gives you some say.
You are right, she is putting you in a grossly unfair position. If this is not clear to her, she's the one that needs the therapy, not you, you can't be your kid's best friend and their parent at the same time...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein